Dealing with old demons....

Today there’s not much to write. Now that I’ve written that, I’ll probably write a novel!

We’ve made it through nearly two weeks of homeschooling, and everyone is still sane! It is one of the toughest things I’ve ever done, though it does seem to be paying off, even being in the honeymoon period. The kids are calmer. Robert’s not coming home beaten up. Dennis isn’t coming home with four hours of homework. A “normal” day has been in the ballpark of nine hours. I’m sure we’ll get to a point where it is closer to six hours per day.

As to weight loss, my personal check-in is tomorrow. Last Thursday I had weighed in at Vanderbilt and lost forty pounds and ten inches. Very exciting! I’ll post additional pictures soon. I’m waiting for one from my cousin that shows my beginning highest weight. Hopefully I’ll have that to share soon.

The most important issue I faced, and have faced for over two years in CR, was my experience with child molestation. At the age of seven, on November 13^th of 1976, I was hurt by a friend of my parents, a neighbor that lived behind us. I will not go into detail here because that’s not the point. The point is I was able to tell my father from point A to Z what happened. Everything. At that point in time, when I was seven years old, I did not have the words to explain. And honestly, he was so upset, I don’t think I would have been able to. What happened in my young girl’s mind is this: My father, after learning of what happened, rushed home from work. He was, understandably, upset. He grabbed a gun and was going to shoot the man that hurt me. Our neighbor came over and stood in front of my dad, eventually stopping him.

My dad then took me into my parent’s bedroom, at this point in time being a parent myself, I understand my father’s anger. At this point in time, at the age of seven, I did not understand. He held the gun in front of me asking what I had done. In my mind I was screaming I didn’t do anything, daddy. But the words wouldn’t come. I could only shake my head and try to make myself as small as humanly possible. He then asked what the man had done to me. Again, the words wouldn’t come. I just did not have the vocabulary to explain what had happened. I only knew it was wrong.

I was able to speak of this to my father for the first time last week. It is healing to get the bad stuff out. It is healing to cry. So many times, I’m sure you can relate, I’ve been in survival mode. Get to moment one, get to moment two, get through day one, get to day two. One step in front of the other. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

For many years I was heavy because I felt safer. Who would find me attractive? It was my safety blanket of sorts. Then I had an aha moment with my husband. We have been members of Peoples Church and Peoples Church CR for a little over two years. I have been MIA for approximately three months because of work, surgery, and now I don’t want to lose this momentum I’ve started in the exercising quadrant of my life. I’ll go back, I’ve no doubt. CR helped me deal with the loss of my mother. You see, when I was molested I was paralyzed. I literally could not move. My beautiful, strong, pain-in-the-ass mother who could push my buttons like no other felt something was wrong and she came looking for me. I heard her voice and I started to cry. And then I started to run. She was only 4’11”, but don’t you know it, she knocked that damn door down! My mom, in more ways than I could ever describe, was my hero. All the way around she was my hero. When I lost her, I lost my very best friend, my savior of sorts, my hero, my mommy. To this day, I cannot think too long on her for fear of being useless the rest of the day. I digress. My aha moment was when I said I was heavy to protect myself – it didn’t’ make sense. I had been heavy from the age of four. I was seven. Oh my goodness! I realized it wasn’t because of what had happened to me. It was because of my lifestyle. Because of my mom’s lifestyle. As wonderfully, beautifully, strong she was, she had an easily broken heart. And it was broken numerous times. Her cure was to eat. And my being a little girl without a vote, I was her food companion.

So here we are today. And what I have done with all of this overlap is this: My mom had her life. Yes, there was immense heartbreak, and there were broken dreams. But, really, that’s life. We all have heartbreak and broken dreams. This is my life. I must live it to the best of my ability. For myself, for my husband, for my children to witness. I must live with my head held high in honor of my mom, and in honor of some of the things I’ve had to survive. We all have our own story, we all have our own darkness to bring to light and call it what it really is – that man was coward and child molester. It wasn’t my fault. It never was. The best end to this story is my living a fulfilling life, thereby cancelling out any damage he tried to do.

I love you, mommy. Thank you for saving me that day, and so many others, some I do not have any knowledge of. I will miss you until we meet again.

God’s Blessings on your day, y’all! Thank you for popping by.

Today is Thursday, August 1, 2013, three weeks to the day after my surgery. Today is the first day I am feeling pretty good! Words cannot fully express how happy I am – but I will try! :)

This weight loss surgery runs the gamut for time in recovery. I thought for sure that I’d be back on my feet, one of the success stories, pictures in Life magazine in three years of me waving from the top of Mount Kilimanjaro! Ha! J No – not really. But I expected to bounce back pretty quickly. I am no stranger to surgeries, having had two C-sections, three ventral hernia operations, and a rib removal when I was twenty five (that one knocked me flat for a week, they deflated my lung, and went through my arm pit to remove the rib that had lodged itself into my throat.) This one hurt. It hurt pretty bad. I was disappointed, frustrated with myself, and wondering had I made a mistake choosing this surgery….? Thank you God for my husband, he kept my spirits up when I was down. He has known me fifteen years now, and knew my struggle up close and personal. When I would falter he would say, “Babe, you didn’t make a mistake. This saved your life. Give it time. Give it time.” Yes, thank you God for my husband.

Here’s a photo of my first week post op, and today, three weeks post op. I have lost 32 pounds, and several inches.

 

 

 

Here is the size food you eat immediately following surgery. And then how much you can eat as you get closer to your thirty days out. The smaller one is about two and half ounces, while the larger is about five ounces.

 

 

What I have learned, and yes, to those of you that feel surgery is the “easy” way out (it’s not, believe me), it can be done without surgery, no doubt. The thing is I couldn’t. I could not lose weight. I probably did too much damage to my body as a young woman, yoyo dieting, going from 300 to 200 pounds in a matter of a couple of months. Several times. I always wanted to be accepted, and unfortunately I’m a bit of a silly goose - I absolutely adore laughing, and once you’re my friend you’re my friend for life - I never leave anyone out, I always include everyone because I know how much it hurts to be the one left behind. My life’s been a bit lonely. I attend things, but in times past it could be painfully obvious I was in the wrong the room, or group. Now – what’s helped with the above statements is CR, Celebrate Recovery (http://www.celebraterecovery.com/), it is a twelve step program that is offered at many venues, mainly churches, all over the country. It is Christ centered, as I cannot overcome what I’ve just expressed to you via this blog without keeping Jesus Christ front and center – He has already paid the price – so you’re darned tootin’, I belong in whatever room I’ve entered!

More importantly I can better handle when someone hurts me. Because, let’s face it, hurt people hurt people. It is a shame that communication cannot be the cornerstone, but some do not want to communicate. It’s safer, and more comfortable to live with a perceived wrong than it is to discuss it openly, thereby taking control of the situation and moving on. Sigh. It is difficult living in a society of hurt human beings knowing all they have to do is attend a CR meeting! :)

Any hoot! I’m very excited at the future, where I’m headed, where my body is headed, what I will be able to do as time goes on. This is merely a tool. I need to remember the weight can sneak back on if I am not careful. It is only a tool.

To those of you curious souls that wonder what the diet consists of, could you lose weight quickly? It is like Atkins on steroids. I am taking in 600 to my highest of 770 calories a day. Nearly all of it is protein. I’ll break down my diet below, what I have daily. I take three Flintstone vitamins a day, and three doses of two chewable tablets of caltrate, calcium & Vitamin D3 supplement. You have to take the Flintstone and calcium two hours apart, otherwise they cancel one another out. So every two hours I take a vitamin. I cannot eat and drink together. It literally hurts my chest and stomach if I try. I must get down 64 ounces of fluids a day, which I do via crystal light. I set a timer that reminds me when to eat, because I am usually not hungry. BUT! I must make sure that I have not drunk any fluids, otherwise I must wait a half an hour before eating. Otherwise it will hurt. And, there is evidence that you can stretch your new banana-sized stomach out if you do it often. Then, you simply wait one half hour after eating to commence sipping your fluids. I only have one six ounce cup of coffee a day – those that really know me know how incredibly shocking this is! J

Usual diet:

Breakfast: two eggs with a slice of cheese, scrambled.

Lunch: three to four ounces of whatever we had for dinner. Last night was high protein, low carbohydrate stuffed peppers with quinoa in a pressure cooker (you can find all kinds of great recipes online, just filter your search with “high protein, low carbohydrate.”

Dinner: Usually I’m trying to figure out what to have. As a for instance, I cooked up two ounces of spinach (canned) in with one egg, two artichoke hearts, and about a teaspoon of parmesan cheese. Oh my, it was good! Like a mini quiche! Just use your imagination!

 

By Mike’s birthday, on the 8^th, I’ll be able to eat anything as that will be my “clearance” Doctor’s visit. I’m excited, because, after surgery (and only after – I didn’t think to ask PRIOR! DUH!) I asked if I could have popcorn. I LOVE popcorn. And the answer is yes. Oh, thank you! It is yes! So – movie for his birthday? :)

That’s about it. Now, below are some pictures of hairstyles that have caught my eye. I like the one that has a red hue to it, though I love Anne Burrell’s hairstyle as well! Ha! That is so my personality! :) I would love to change my hairstyle to one of the hairstyles below... feel free to write me a note stating which you like most.

Say a quick prayer for me, please. Tomorrow is the boys’ first day of school, Mike and I have chosen to homeschool this year. For many reasons, primarily because we saw our sons faltering, and there is only so much time allotted to us to properly educate them, and prepare them for what life will throw their way. Also, I’m liking the idea of having more time with them. My boys are such polar opposites, it will be interesting to see where this year takes us!

Have a blessed day, all, thank you for popping by ♥

 

Hairstyles.... VOTE! :)

 

 

 

This was a bible study on Hebrews. I am on the far right. I was immensely embarrassed because nearly everyone had to pull that dress on me. I was sweating profusely. And I was uncomfortable sitting in the back trying to be comfortable listening the reading of the book (the entire book) of Hebrews. I did hide the rest of the bible study at home, and a the YMCA because there's no explaining how uncomfortable you are to friends that may or may not understand the amount of pain you're in, both physically and emotionally.

My weight loss journey has taken me down the road of gastric bypass sleeve surgery. What that is is the removal of appoximately eighty percent of your stomach. Yes, it does seem shocking. And, no doubt, it is.

However, here's my story, the short version: I have fought weight issues since I was the age of four. I was raised by a woman who wanted something different out of life. She did the best that she could with what she had at her disposal, but the upbringing my brother and I had was fraught with landmines. Most people can relate, because it isn't are you dysfunctional...? It is how dysfuctional are you...? Mom passed a dozen years ago from morbid obesity, I saw my life headed in the same direction. I had tried every diet, and no, that is no joke. I knew that I didn't want my children holding their first born in their arms and putting me into the grave within three months of each tremendous life event. Hence, this life changing step.

The process is, at least for my insurance, six months of supervised diet with my Doctor hand in hand with telephone calls from the insurance company's nutritionist to make serious changes to diet and exercise. The second part was something my husband and I found out about after I'd already been seeing my Doctor for four months, so I had to start over. That was late July of 2012. I was frustated for a short while. But thought this would afford me more time to get used to the idea of surgery to lose weight. Because believe you me, I avoided this option forever and a day - surgery to lose weight was not a way I wanted to lose weight.

Come to the end of my supervised telephone visits and Doctor visits, YAY! I was approved the end of March.... however..... I had to wait for a bit because of an upgrade at my husband's place of employment. Sigh. Yes, I slumped my shoulders for a bit.... but you cannot keep a good girl down. And you can't keep a good girl down that's been through as much as I have been through! I had to keep my perspective clear to keep the goal in sight.

At mid June I was given the green light by my husband.... I ran to the phone! July 11th! It seemed so far off.... but here I am, July 22nd. And, the day the little monarch has been born in London :-)

Now, I will tell you, I've had some set backs. I have had six major surgeries in my life, and two not so serious. I know all kinds of pain, and I know when something's wrong. And there was something wrong. I cannot sleep. I was having a very hard time eating anything. I can eat up to 1/2 cup of food six times a day... I was and am still getting about a cup of food a day. I am working hard to take in more food, primarily protein. But the amount of naseau is really difficult to work around. And then my largest incision, the one that my stomach was removed through, opened up and seeped. And seeped. And seeped. Then it began to itch. This was on Saturday evening, today is Monday. Thank goodness my Doctor's office has clinic hours on Sunday.

The Doctor on duty, thank goodness, knows me well. My boys and I had ear infections at the end of May and beginning of June, this same Doctor is the one I saw six times in those visits. It took quite some time to figure out what to do. I cannot take pills until August eighth when I am cleared completely. My stomach, what is left of it, is still on the mend. I cannot take pills, so an oral medication had to be found that was alright, and also one that didn't include Pencilin because I'm deathly allergic. Also, I was intense pain, but my strong painkiller was out - to which I wanted to find a nice compromise in Ibuprophen or Tylenol.... again - no pills. She was excited and frustrated. She stated this was an educational curve for her because more and more people are coming forward having had gastric bypass, gastric sleeve, and the band surgeries - she wanted to know how to help, but she had to find the right combination. It was decided a suppository (I know, ew!) was the best route to go. Alongside an antibiotic.

As of today we made another trek back to the hospital, to which I received quite a lot of hugs. My incision was cleaned, bandaged, taught how to bandage it, my husband was taught how to bandage it, I was bound snuggly, oh my, it feels so good! The pain was cut in half with just that! I was told, rest, rest, and rest some more. Off of my feet, let the incision close and heal. Probably the entire week, she said, but better to make sure I heal completely and correctly than to have the infection get worse.

So far I have lost 23 pounds, that's in eleven days. We'll see what the future holds. The math behind it is fifty to sixty percent weight loss in the first year. All weight loss within two years of surgery.

I will be keeping a journal and measurements in the physical world, then keeping this blog as I go.

Weight loss surgery has a stygma attached to it. I know it does because I believed that I could do it on my own, and I often thought if someone could lose thirty pounds prior to surgery, why couldn't they lose the entire sum on their own? And yet, here I am, one of the crowd, a part of a new family of people that are so strong, so passionate, so full of life that they are willing to undergo the knife to change their life story. I pray that my life story will change.

What do I want the outcome to be? I want to run with my boys. I want to do an exercise class with my co-workers without sounding like an obscene phone caller. I want to sit behind the wheel of my van and have my stomach not hit the steering wheel. I want to walk without limping because my heels hurt. I want to walk any distance and breath normally. I want to slide down the slide at the YMCA because my son has asked me to, and not worry that the fire department has to be called. I want someone to look at me not because of my weight but because of my smile, my personality, my attitude. I want to be here for my grandbabies, and I want to be a hot wife. I want so much that it makes me want to cry because now the only regret I have is that I didn't do this sooner.

Here's to the future :D

 

 

Holidays and atrocities should not be used in the same sentence. But often, and sadly, they are. Each and every one of us has our own story. Our own road that is paved with tears, with joy, with awe and wonder, with memories. We do not expect, nor should we, to be faced with such disgust as the shootings in Connecticut on December 14, 2012.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/12/15/at-least-26-dead-in-shooting-at-connecticut-school/

There are no words, not really. This is no one’s fault, save the shooter; this is no one’s fault. I hope and pray that the families, those that lost, and those that are among those that have lost, receive help via therapy, prayer, friends shoulders, the community. There will be severe survival guilt, most especially because it is so close to a major holiday that parents love to witness to their child’s joy. During this time, all of us, every last one of us, should keep the entire world in prayer. It sounds too large to pray for, but it is not too large for God.

This is all I will say regarding this situation because these people are hurting at a primal level. Words will not reach them for at least a few years. Their lives are forever damaged beyond human repair.

Please keep your neighbor in prayer.

God Bless ♥





Keep Yourself Informed!

FROM THE DESK OF THE AP..... NOT YOUR MEDIA THAT PICKS AND CHOSE'S WHAT TO SHOW.

WASHINGTON — U.S. Sen. Robert Menendez employed as an unpaid intern in his Senate office an illegal immigrant who was a registered sex offender, now under arrest by immigration authorities, The Associated Press has learned. The Homeland Security Department instructed federal agents not to arrest him until after Election Day, a U.S. official involved in the case told the AP.

Luis Abrahan Sanchez Zavaleta, an 18-year-old immigrant from Peru, was arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents in front of his home in New Jersey on Dec. 6, two federal officials said. Sanchez, who entered the country on a now-expired visitor visa from Peru, is facing deportation and remains in custody. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss details of Sanchez's immigration case.

A spokesman for Immigration and Customs Enforcement did not immediately respond to a request for further details.

Menendez, D-N.J., who advocates aggressively for pro-immigration policies, was re-elected in November with 58 percent of the vote. Congressional staffers who work for Menendez were notified about Sanchez's case shortly after the arrest. Sanchez told ICE agents that he worked on immigration issues for the senator. A spokesman for Menendez said she was looking into the matter.

Online jail records did not indicate whether Sanchez has an attorney. Immigration officials there were relaying a request from the AP to speak with Sanchez in jail.

The prosecutor's office in Hudson County, N.J., said Sanchez was found to have violated the law in 2010 and subsequently required to register as a sex offender. The exact charge was unclear because Sanchez was prosecuted as a juvenile and those court records are not publicly accessible. The prosecutor's office confirmed to AP that Sanchez registered as a sex offender, although his name does not appear on the public registry.

Authorities in Hudson County notified ICE agents in early October that they suspected Sanchez was an illegal immigrant who was a registered sex offender and who may be eligible to be deported. ICE agents in New Jersey notified superiors at the Homeland Security Department because they considered it a potentially high profile arrest, and DHS instructed them not to arrest Sanchez until after the November election, one U.S. official told the AP. ICE officials complained that the delay was inappropriate, but DHS directed them several times not to act, the official said.

It was not immediately clear why federal immigration authorities would not have been notified sooner about Sanchez's status.

During discussions about when and where to arrest Sanchez, the U.S. reviewed Sanchez's application for permission to stay in the country as part of President Barack Obama's policy to allow up to 1.7 million young illegal immigrants avoid deportation and get permission to work for up to two years. As a sex offender, he would not have been eligible. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, which oversees the program known as Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, notified Sanchez of that shortly before his arrest, one official said.

During the final weeks of President George W. Bush's administration, ICE was criticized for delaying the arrest of President Barack Obama's aunt, who had ignored an immigration judge's order to leave the country several years earlier after her asylum claim was denied. She subsequently won the right to stay in the United States after an earlier deportation order, and there was no evidence of involvement by the White House.

 
In that case, the Homeland Security Department had imposed an unusual directive days before the 2008 election requiring high-level approval before federal agents nationwide could arrest fugitive immigrants including Zeituni Onyango, the half-sister of Obama’s late father. The directive from ICE expressed concerns about “negative media congressional interest,” according to a copy of that directive obtained by AP. The department lifted the immigration order weeks later.
 

Link: http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SENATE_INTERN_ARRESTED?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

As a side note, it has been stated that ICE "categorecially denies" what the Associated Press has reported. Firstly, categorecially means 'flatly, unconditionally.' Me thinks you protest too much. When someone or a something (ICE) "categorically denies' anything it is usually true. Secondly, having worked in Public Affairs for a number of years, The Associated Press does not 'get things wrong,' they would not stay in business as a reputable news source if they 'got it wrong' too often. Please notice I say stay in business.

Do your research folks. People of power are putting a pretty bow, and sweet smelling cologne on crap, feeding it to you hook, line, and sinker. And, unfortunately, at least 53% of our American citizens are buying it, without doing the hard research. Sound bites do not qualify as fact. Let me repeat: Sound bites do not qualify as fact.

Why I Am A Conservative

 

Our nation, well some of our nation, voted for a new President on Tuesday the 6^th of November. Some of our nation did not. After witnessing and listening to a twenty three year Army veteran at my son’s middle school yesterday, the 7^th of November, I find it not only irresponsible but reprehensible that some refuse to vote. Because it will not make a difference? Are those men and women fighting for your right to vote making a difference? Is that family who does not have their daughter, son, husband, wife, aunt, uncle, mother, father at their table this Thanksgiving making a difference? Am I stepping on your toes? I mean to wake you up, not hurt you. There is no reason why anyone would choose not to vote.

And yes, I said new President. Perhaps the President who gained an additional four years in our White House will do a better job. My family and I, particularly my eight year old, is praying for this President. Equality does not mean exclusion. And fifty percent of the voters (I do not know if this is the country because many people did not vote) made it clear they do not care for the present administration, perhaps he will be more inclusive. We can hope. And we can pray.

Here are my personal reasons for voting for the opposing team, Romney/Ryan. First let’s address this talk of his firing people and liking it. He came into failing corporations, turned the ship around, and made the corporations viable, and prosperous. He liked firing the ones that destroyed 401Ks, that destroyed your future, that took advantage and who did not do an appropriate job running a corporation. Unless running it into the ground is considered appropriate. Funny how America’s been run into the ground, been taken advantage of, and the boss is less than what people hoped to see – it would have been nice to see Romney/Ryan do the same with our country as he has done with corporations. But, people like the sound bites, the rude behavior, the inappropriate use of the middle finger, and the less than honorable government of old. Welcome in the Jersey Shore. People want action? Ha!! Sure, Mr. President. We would like action, instead of the same old, same old.

Secondly, I believe that it is a woman’s choice to do with her body as she wishes, however, that does not include government sticking their noses into private religious insurance coverage. Here’s a fair exchange: If indeed the government can tell the religious establishments what they need to do, under the law, then the religious establishment must have a say in government. The Ten Commandments will be displayed at each and every government building in America, and in every Embassy overseas. Prayer will be mandatory before and after each and every government meeting. Bibles will be displayed in each and every room of the White House, and in every Embassy, available to all. That sounds like a fair exchange, don’t you think? Yes, it is. Because if church is not allowed into government, then there should be no government involvement in any religious organization, church, or school. Period. One Nation Under God.

Third, same sex marriage. Have at it! Make it a federal mandate that same sex marriage is absolutely legal. Again, do not force it on a religious organization, or a private citizen. If a religious institution is forced to perform same sex marriage, fine. Then you must attend church, you must tithe, and you must be in counseling prior to marriage. (None of which we very well know cannot be forced upon a citizen. So why force same sex marriage on those of us that believe the bible is God's breathed word?) Yes, that is a mandatory function under a right to marry within the religious institution. It is not the same sex marriage issue that is the problem; it is the rude push-your-way-in-until-they-give-up attitude that is causing people to dig their heels in. Hire a representative that speaks clearly, concisely, does not finger point (particularly with the middle finger), and acts in a civil responsible manner. More bees with honey my friends. More bees with honey than with vinegar. The bottom line of this argument is the bible supports a marriage between a man and a woman. You will not receive support, marriage wise, from a religious institution. You can, however, change the federal laws.

Fourth: Obamacare. The big one. The ultimate argument. Everyone should have insurance. Yes, they should. Here’s where the argument becomes sticky, because it is a right to be taken care of, medically, correct? We all agree, right? Who will be paying for those that cannot pay, but still have “free” insurance? You do realize that nothing is free, don’t you? You do realize, that though the argument goes, “I paid into this, I should get something out of it” doesn’t apply here because, though you may have ‘paid into it, ‘that does not make the hand up become a lifetime hand out. You understand the principal? Welfare was started as a hand up, to get people back on their feet until they were viable citizens to then contribute once more to the country. But that hand up became a hand out that people made a lifestyle. And it became such an ugly, uncontrolled animal so quickly no one is able to verify if the recipient is in need of the hand up, let alone worthy of it – did they indeed pay into the system long enough to receive a hand out for X amount of time? And that is where the ugly words come into play. People of a different mindset start to overuse the word racism. This isn’t racism folks. It is common sense. And that is lacking in our society. So – who is going to pay for Obamacare? Oprah Winfrey? Bill Gates? George Clooney? Do you have their telephone numbers, because you may need to call them. The last I heard two of the three are giving a mass majority of their money (tax break!!) to Africa, and the third lives most of his time in Italy.

Those are the big arguments of this election. The other issues, such as his “catching” Osama Bin Laden – Seal Team Six caught Osama Bin Laden – not Obama. Seal Team Six, who is now dead. Seal Team Six, the members of which were named by the administration. Libya. Egypt. The list goes on.

For me, as a conservative (I do not consider myself a Republican until I hear the person speak), it was pretty clear cut who I wanted as my President. I believe that, because the House is not run by Democrats that there are people left to hold the President’s feet to the fire, to hold him accountable. This is good. I do wish the Senate was Republican run as well. The most prosperous times in history have been when our President is Democrat and the House and Senate were Republican majority. But a dangled carrot of free this, free that, do what you like as long as you do it my way government won out. As Rome goes there goes America. With prayer, particularly prayer with thanksgiving, America will be fine. But we’ve all got to pray. We’ve ALL got to pay our taxes. Every. Last. One. Of. Us. Has got to pay our taxes.

Let me end with a bible verse and a hope: I hope Mr. Obama proves me wrong. I hope he does a fabulous job. I hope that he prays for guidance, steadfastness, honesty, and clarity while doing his job. I pray he proves me wrong.

Romans 13, the message translation. I like to reference an entire passage rather than one verse, because so many take verses from the bible out of context, they take the writer as being intrinsically against, or meaning harm to, someone or someone’s. I never want that to be the case. I am human, therefore I will have judgment. I pray constantly for discernment, grace to myself and others, and that whatever I have to say is said in love and with the best of intensions. I mean no harm to anyone at all, merely a voice that is heard in the din. God’s Blessings on your day!

“To Be a Responsible Citizen

Be a good citizen. All governments are under God. Insofar as there is peace and order, it’s God’s order. So live responsibly as a citizen. If you’re irresponsible to the state, then you’re irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible. Duly constituted authorities are only a threat if you’re trying to get by with something. Decent citizens should have nothing to fear.

Do you want to be on good terms with the government? Be a responsible citizen and you’ll get on just fine, the government working to your advantage. But if you’re breaking the rules right and left, watch out. The police aren’t there just to be admired in their uniforms. God also has an interest in keeping order, and he uses them to do it. That’s why you must live responsibly—not just to avoid punishment but also because it’s the right way to live.

That’s also why you pay taxes—so that an orderly way of life can be maintained. Fulfill your obligations as a citizen. Pay your taxes, pay your bills, respect your leaders.

Don’t run up debts, except for the huge debt of love you owe each other. When you love others, you complete what the law has been after all along. The law code—don’t sleep with another person’s spouse, don’t take someone’s life, don’t take what isn’t yours, don’t always be wanting what you don’t have, and any other “don’t” you can think of—finally adds up to this: Love other people as well as you do yourself. You can’t go wrong when you love others. When you add up everything in the law code, the sum total is love.

But make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God. The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. We can’t afford to waste a minute, must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don’t loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!”

I've not posted in my blog for some time. There are several reasons for that, paramount was the loss of a cousin, then two on Facebook, they did not die, they “un-friended me.” I've done some soul searching, praying, and talking with friends that are in my life, that unlike the past, support me even when we may disagree.

One of the most difficult lessons to learn as a human being, let alone a woman, is that everyone will not always like you. Let's break this down:

As a human being we're taught to keep others close to us for security, for body heat, for procreation. That is just the basics.

Add in being an American and we're taught that we are supposed to be inviting, encouraging, an open door to show others what a wonderful life an American can have. This is more old school than it is for today's very young American. Nowadays young Americans seem to have front and center me, me, and oh yeah, more me.

Then you've got the woman's complex nature. This is also dependent upon whom they were raised by, what time frame they were raised. Were they rich, poor, middle class. I was born in the late 60s', I was raised by a conservative Republican family who remembered what it was like to live in Germany during Hitler's reign, and in Ireland during the potato famine. We are from humble beginnings, but a back bone for hard work, and hard play. I was taught I was to put others before myself, I was to make sure that everyone was happy, settled, comfortable, and well nourished. We were lower middle class, paycheck to paycheck living. My mother was insistent upon my being a worker from the get go, factory work was the easiest fastest route to this way of life. She did not know better, she did what she knew what to do at the time. A common saying our home was, “All I have to do is pay my taxes and die.” It was what it was.

Then you put this woman who is an American, people pleaser, overly concerned with everyone else, stay at home mother which can be very isolating, especially if your budget does not allow for frivolous activities… put her on Facebook. Holy Crap!! I mean seriously? Seriously!?! It's amazing no one's thought to create a movie about someone like.... me!

Now, here's the kicker. I was hurt years ago because a recording of my mom's voice was erased. What was frustrating to me was that I had stated how I heard my own voice, I sounded just like my mom - how beautifully, painfully, wonderful is that? It is truly a gift from God. Because I can hear her at any time if I so wished. Was that part of my previous post read by my family? No. It wasn't. What was read is how the recording was erased. It was made about them once again. Let me get this straight, and for once be brave: This blog is not about you, it is about me. Hence MY BLOG. I will not be held prisoner any longer by someone else's perceived wrong. Believe you me; they're not worried about anything that might hurt me. If that were the case they would have been there when my mother passed. My husband, father, and brother were.

Now, here's the beautiful part of all of this. I have friends that have lost their moms. And do you know what a gift it is that I can minister to them? Do you know what a joy it is to share their grief? Do you know the shear humility I feel at being there with them while they walk through what I did? My first born was 4 months old when my mother passed. To say that I was suicidal is to put it lightly. By the grace of God I am here today. My family was not there for that. No one reached out, but my goodness, when something happened in their lives the presses stopped. Now – I tell you this because you need the back story, who I am today is not who I was then. I was extremely fragile. I was damaged beyond words. I was wounded at a fundamental level. I was one step from death every single day for years. By God’s grace I am here.

So, where do we go from here? First, I needed to come to an understanding that it wasn’t about me. My perception of others attitudes, actions, lack of involvement was not about me. It was on them. I, at my core, had not changed – my personality has always been one of making sure that others were happier than me. That’s not touting who and what I was – I was put on this planet to make sure everyone else was safe, comfortable and well provided for. Period. No ulterior motive. Period. What people pleasers do not realize, they are too close to their addiction to see it, they are taken advantage of. They are used as door mats, they are used as the proverbial horse that is kicked when it is down. It is an addiction, have no misconceptions of this. It is an addiction. An addicted to feeling useful. Never mind that the usefulness is really a sickness of filling time with others needs, wants, addictions that they need filled – when we should fill our time with the Lord’s Word your time becomes easy to navigate – you become free! God is good all of the time, all of the time God is good. Never will God treat you as people have. Never will God let you down like people have. Never will God hurt you like people have. God is good all of the time. All of the time God is good.

After much prayer. Quiet contemplation. Taking myself out of situations that were not healthy, even situations that I was truly enjoying, such as my husband and my clan on Playstation 3, where players were treating others in a fashion that I recognized and which disgusted me. I could not condone it, so I backed myself out of it. We cannot change others – we can only change ourselves. How many times had I heard that same comment but could not wrap my mind around it. With change comes liberation! If you can liberate yourself slowly from each and every thing that you do not do for the glory of God – words cannot describe the absolute joy and freedom you feel from that choice. Make no mistake – it is painful! It is difficult beyond words! God can move mountains, do you believe He can change one small thing at a time that will make your life that much more fulfilling each and every day, thereby bringing glory to Him? The easy answer is YES!

In 15 days it will be my mother’s 12^th anniversary of leaving her earthly body and joining the Lord. My loss, my father’s loss (they had been married 41 years on her 57^th birthday, which was only 3 weeks prior – they were literally childhood sweethearts), my brother’s loss was profound. To look back at who and where I was, it saddens me to the core. How I wish I had a relationship with Christ at that point in my life. I believed in Him, no doubt about that. But there is a distinct difference between believing in and having a relationship with Jesus. My prayer for you is that you begin a lifelong journey in discovering Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior. He is real, He is a part of you, He is within you. He loves you. He will not let you down like people have. He will not abandon you like people have. He loves you so much that He died for you.

Here is Psalm 42. I’ll put it up in three different versions, The Message, Amplified, and NIV (New International Version). The Psalms were written primarily by King David. David was a man after God’s own heart. He also sinned against God. What is most beautiful about the bible is the stories of all of the people that were damaged beyond words, but loved by God – those called are usually not equipped. God equips them, thereby showing YOU how much more you can do with Him than without Him. God’s blessings on your day ♥

Psalm 42:1-11 (MSG)

 

“^1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks
from the creek;
I want to drink God,
deep draughts of God.
I’m thirsty for God-alive.
I wonder, “Will I ever make it—
arrive and drink in God’s presence?”
I’m on a diet of tears—
tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
All day long
people knock at my door,
Pestering,
“Where is this God of yours?”

⁴ These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
right out in front,
Leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship,
Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
celebrating, all of us, God’s feast!

⁵ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.

^6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God’s prayer.

^9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
“Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?”
They’re out for the kill, these
tormentors with their obscenities,
Taunting day after day,
“Where is this God of yours?”

¹¹ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.”

Psalm 42:1-11 (AMP)

“¹ As the hart pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.

² My inner self thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?

³ My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?

⁴ These things I [earnestly] remember and pour myself out within me: how I went slowly before the throng and led them in procession to the house of God [like a bandmaster before his band, timing the steps to the sound of music and the chant of song], with the voice of shouting and praise, a throng keeping festival.

⁵ Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.

⁶ O my God, my life is cast down upon me [and I find the burden more than I can bear]; therefore will I [earnestly] remember You from the land of the Jordan [River] and the [summits of Mount] Hermon, from the little mountain Mizar.

⁷ [Roaring] deep calls to [roaring] deep at the thunder of Your waterspouts; all Your breakers and Your rolling waves have gone over me.

⁸ Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I will say to God my Rock, Why have You forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

¹⁰ As with a sword [crushing] in my bones, my enemies taunt and reproach me, while they say continually to me, Where is your God?

¹¹ Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.”

Psalm 42:1-11 (NIV)

“¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.”