Frustrated, yet joyful. It's a good place to be...

I'm starting my "normal" shift tomorrow after church. I've been anticipating it, yet I also feel strange about it. Strange in that I will be working the busiest hours of my family's day.... Though the saving grace is that school ends Wednesday, so this time on the second shift will be a good time to try this out. The other strange thing will be working the entire weekend. I am not upset about these things, I just feel strange about them. It's weird. I am also still pinching myself over the fact that I am working from home. Working from home, legitimately! Weird.

I realize I am concerned because my husband is exceptionally lazy during the weekends. He likes to sleep. A lot. Usually the entire weekend is spent sleeping for him. I know this about him, and accept it, but I have to say it hurts. A lot. I took care of my normal day to day chores today, and completed our shopping with our eldest son, along with fixing my headlight to which my husband promised me he would take care of, he's promised since the weekend of April 4th, getting my car washed and vacuumed out, cleaning the fridge and sink, and more laundry. I was able, because of my job, to purchase clothing and sandals today for the kids and Mike. I was so very please. So very pleased. And, my husband slept. I wish he liked to spend time with me. I try not to take it personally. Sometimes it's difficult not to. To anyone who has a husband, or wife for that matter, that is involved with your children in sports, plays with them, truly enjoys being a dad, relish that. Relish it. Some of us will never know that. I am blessed that I have two beautiful boys, I am blessed that I have many good friends, and I am grateful that God made me incredibly independent. But it is lonely. I won't lie to you about that. I am lonely.

I realize my fear is that my boys will not be properly taken care of while I am working. That was the main caveat to finding a job all of these years, because my children needed me since my husband seems so disconnected, distant, unattainable. And I'm really worried that they'll learn to be a father from their own father. I love that other dads step up and help them learn. That's very precious to me. It's sad to feel as if I'm a single parent in a two parent home where one of the parents is such a nice person, but they're the sweet, kind, generous person you could meet anywhere, but never really get to know. I keep praying for direction, for solace, for continued joy. I keep praying. Maybe someday this will change. I keep praying.

Popsicles and crystal light await. Enjoy your evening, weekend, the week ahead. Time flies when you're having fun.

Mother's Day... Happy Mother's Day

I didn't realize that I was sad until I spoke in my small group in celebrate recovery yesterday. And the funny thing is, I'm not really "sad," I'm actually the happiest I have been in years. But that word, Mother, holds so much meaning. For so many of us. 

Yes, it will be a wonderful Mother's Day. Yet for so many it will not be a wonderful Mother's Day for many reasons. Foremost is the memories. The loss of laughter. The loss of strength. The loss of having someone on this tumultuous planet that got me. That got me on a level that no one else, even my husband who I consider to be my best friend, will ever get me. There's a soul lost feeling that is utterly and wholly empty. A throbbing, unsettling empty. An all encompassing empty that is so filling it pushes all else out.

I am hanging onto Jesus' promise. As I do every day. Yet, there are days, like this Sunday, that I hold on a little tighter. No one will see my real pain because I am great at hiding it, I've been an awesome actress over the years. Except, blessedly, with those in celebrate recovery. I love you ladies, you have been my lifeline to living my life once more. You're all in the same boat as I am... and yes, at times it has been a napping boat (inside joke :)) 

I have hung on with both hands, white knuckling it through for so long, I didn't realize I wasn't really living - not really - I was surviving.

Happy Mother's Day.