I’ve been up and down like nobody’s business for a bit over a week. I’ve had the honor of meeting people that have put into perspective just how hard I’ve been on myself. In less than three years Mike and I have lost our home of eleven years to short sale, the home both of our boys were born in, the home we'd loved and cherished, gutted, painted, cried in, laughed in, lost my mom in, lost one child to miscarriage, the home we'd lived in. It was all gone. It was as if we'd lost a family member, but no one showed up for the funeral, and there's no headstone to visit and put flowers on.
We'd given away all of our possessions because we had nowhere to put them, and through this horribly sad experience we wanted to help someone else. We found out later some disturbing news, however you cannot, as Christians, blame God for someone's behavior. God gave us free will. With that free will bad things can happen. It is not God at the helm; it is free will and our inability to act like Christians while hiding behind the word Christian. Just another learning curve. That one I really had to pray on, I had to sit on that prayer for a very, very long time. God knows. He knows, and He knows what our intentions were.
We then moved in with my dad, helping each other, dad with his loneliness since mom passed, and dad helping us with a reasonable rent that helped Mike, the boys, and I nurse our wounded hearts. We claimed a chapter 13 bankruptcy, try as we might, we couldn't recover from the financial disaster that had us pinned to the wall.
We were on welfare for six months and I learned a newfound humility and respect for those that have to rely on welfare. Mike got a wonderful job with benefits in Chicago, and after he had to take two weeks off to nurse me back onto my feet after a hernia operation, they let him go with a small severance package. Feelings of guilt? You bet. I wondered if my incessant prayers would annoy God.
That same day, the very same day, Mike had an interview for a new job with the same title, same pay in a city eight hours away from everyone that walked that journey I just shared with you. Our feelings of embarrassment, well, there are no words for it. Our feelings of shame? Our feelings of failure? Our feelings of anxiety? They were all immense, and paralyzing. You name, we felt it. And God walked each and every step with us. Sometimes, when you're going through something very painful you cannot see God until it is over and behind you. I was very angry with God, initially. We've dealt with layoffs before; we've dealt with death, with losing things, with bad people. Why did we have to lose so very much? Because He knows better than we do. That's why. He knew how far from Him we'd grown. He knew how far away from prayer we were. And, though it hurt so very badly, He knew what we needed, much better than we did, anyway.
Yes. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. We learned how to walk with, and listen to God. I’m still learning as a matter of fact. I think I’ll always go on learning how to listen to our Lord, at least I hope so. How boring would it be if we had Christianity pegged? The easy bit is treating others as you yourself wish to be treated. The hard bit is treating others the way you yourself wish to be treated!! Because of exactly what I wrote about how hard I’ve been on myself. It’s a learning curve. And like any learning curve, it’s painful. Guess whomever called it growing pains knew what they were saying!
Now, I know I’m pretty much all over the board today. I am excited, mostly because with every step I take there is a new flower, a new pathway, a new person I have the honor of meeting, even if they’re a bear of a person, I’ve had the honor of meeting them. Life’s not been kind to a lot of us. The great thing is we’re all learning as we go. And hopefully, part of that lesson is how to treat others the way we ourselves wish to be treated. At the end of the day, isn’t it learning how to treat ourselves well thereby treating others with a gentler hand?
My last entry was about Celebrate Recovery. I started the eating group yesterday, whatever hang-up, habit, obsession one has with food, this celebrate recovery group is the place to find support. And strangely enough, this has never happened to me, I smelled an Italian Beef sandwich. It was absolutely overwhelming, and I was holding on with both hands screaming to God in my mind to please help me. I wanted a sandwich so very badly, yet I wasn't truly hungry. All of my new found friends are praying for me. And being the last to speak last night, the very moment I stated that I was absolutely overwhelmed, where in the heck was that Italian Beef? The smell was gone! It evaporated!! I don’t think anyone can get this unless they’ve experienced it. The bottom line was I told Satan to take a running leap, and God placed His boot up Satan’s bottom!! Man, I just love the Lord, how He has our backs even when we desert Him time and time again. He’s there like the abused parent who keeps showing up to love their child that has disowned them. He is always there letting us know how much He loves us, no matter what.
I want to apologize for my zealous newfound love for God, yet I cannot. My walk with God has been so very personal; yet, I cannot keep the good word from whoever might read this, whomever might be searching. God is with you always. Always He is with you. Test Him. Yes, I know, that sounds rude and inappropriate, but the bible itself tells you to test Him. Not in a rude disrespectful way, but say to Him, Lord, I’m a bit lost right now. You know what’s going on with me right now. You know what’s going on with my family and friends. Please give me some peace, fill my heart and soul with fulfillment, and give me joy through the pain. Help me to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself today. I know, Lord, that I’ll probably come to you fifty times today with the same request, please help me, I need You. I need You like I’ve never needed you before. Please, help me.
God is good all the time, All the time, God is good. Thank you, "blonde" Lori, for letting me use this.
