My emotions, my equilibrium, my life seems a bit topsy turvy at the moment. Long story short, my husband and I had planned for his one year contract in Pittsburgh with FedEx through an agency called NSI in Houston, TX with a man named Ron Davis. Contracts were signed, for both the job and a one year lease on an apartment (which has gone to collections). And in early March of 2009 the contract was cancelled. Because it crossed state lines, there is nothing my husband I can do to rectify the situation, except look up.
I look up into the sky and speak with God, I beg of Him to give to Mr. Davis what Mr. Davis has given us. I try to look up and let it go because God can punish Ron Davis so much better than I ever could. I look up and pray that my husband keep his strength as he is now away from home and I miss him so much at times that I cannot breathe. I look up and I pray that I not lose my patience with my boys, because though I am married, I feel like a single mother, and it's not fun, not fun in the least. I look up and I thank God for the challenges he has given my husband and I, because without them I'd not have grown. I look up and I beg God to give us a break, I beg Him to please hear me, please help me to save our home... because foreclosure is set for October 29, 2009. I look up and I thank God for my health, for my boys health, for my husband's health.... I look up and I see my God in everything, and sometimes I am very angry, but most times I am humbled.
We've learned so much, my husband and I, we've learned that a tiny bit is so much better than nothing. We've learned that we can go without, because the "things" we wanted so much cannot feed our boys. We've learned that we're made of stronger stuff than we ever knew, and we learned our relationship is strong. We've come back to one another during a life-changing, incredibly tough time in our lives, and we've realized, thank God, that we love one another!
So, what to do? Roll over and let the "system" run over us? Hell no! We will save our home. We will save our (considered old) autos. We will fix our credit - might take a few years, but we'll do it!
Too much is banging about in my head - cannot blog sufficiently today - suffice it to say when I write again, it will be to say we won, and we've learned.
God's Blessings to all, much love to my friends and family going through tough times, and those who are hurting. Though the planet seems smaller because we can communicate via webcams, email, telephone, cell phone, IM's, text message, what have you, it's gotten to be a much colder place, hasn't it? Seems no one is really listening. The next time you feel sad, alone, like you're not being heard, take that moment to really hear someone else. It may just save their life, and may make you realize what you've been missing out on.... just a thought :)
Angie
A woman, a mother, a wife learning to trust in Christ as she steps out of what has been her "norm."
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A lot of women do it....
So what's the problem? I'm really p'oed right now - and I can't quite put my finger on it. My hubby's got a contract that he starts on Monday the 8th of June (thank GOD), my boys are healthy, my hubby and I are healthy... it's summer. So WTF? Please excuse my expletives, I'd like to keep this a safe place to post, to chat - if it ever gets that big - and a good place for mom's that are trying to find themselves after their children have returned to school. I guess that's what my biggest gripe is right now - me. I let myself get fat folks. There's no and, ifs, or buts about it - I let myself get fat. My mother was fat, my youngest son is fat - he's only 4 so I'm starting now by teaching them both how to take care of themselves, like my mother never did. She used to fry up shrimp, pork chops, and steaks at 2 o'clock in the morning. That was normal to me. That was what I grew up to know as normal. And that is so far off of the freaking mark, it's disgusting.
Now, yes, my beginnings weren't optimum, they could've been better no doubt. However, I was much loved. And I miss that love - and that's where the food came in - to fill that hole that my mother left when she died. My mom was adopted and abused from the age of 6 years old. She was born in Chicago to immigrants, my grandpa was from Hamburg, Germany, and my grandmother was from County Cork, Ireland. Their names were Theodore Kraack and Margaret Morton; there was 28 years difference in their ages. Grandpa died July 4, 1949 on Mozart Street in Chicago, IL at the age of 69. Prior to immigrating to America he worked for Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus before the Barnum & Bailey Circus was added on. He was an acrobat. Much less is known of my grandmother, except that she was eccentric and had a break down after my grandfather died, she left all of the children, 5 in all, to fend for themselves and disappeared for a time. My mom never saw her mother past the age of 6, and that left a deep scar with her, which led to her life of yo-yo dieting and she eventually killed herself with obesity.
I know this sounds harsh, but here's the thing: I am still hurting. I am still yearning for my mom. As time progressed and I grew into a woman, I never left home; I took care of my mother until the age of 28, when I transferred to a job in Colorado Springs, CO. I then moved back home because a minimum wage job really sucks if you know no one in the town that you're living in - especially such a transient town as Colorado Springs - quite a lot of military coming and going, deployment and relocating. It was difficult making friends that lasted. So, I came home. And found my mom much worse off, she'd really let herself go, and something inside me knew it wasn't long that she'd be gone. She did get to see Mike and I married, she met Denny, her first grandchild, but she died 2 weeks after her 57th birthday, and her 41st wedding anniversary. For 13 years I'd become the mother, and that day I lost my mother, my best friend, my child, and the only person on this planet that actually knew me, really knew me. And as time progressed I became more and more angry, more resentful. I didn't experience college like a lot of people get to do; I was taking care of my mom. I didn't experience normal dating, because I was taking care of my mom. I didn't experience a lot "firsts" because I was taking care of my mom. Ever see the movie "The Haunting" with Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Lili Taylor? Do you remember seeing the scenes with Eleanor, played by Lili, where she would hear her mother banging on the wall, even when her mother was dead? They did a good job of recreating what tricks your mind can play on you. You really do not know who you are. Where you begin and the other person ends. And you feel like a 5th wheel your entire life. Imagine that. Just close your eyes and imagine not knowing how to interact with others because you never really had the chance to figure out who you were.
So there's the back story. It's not a pity party, believe you me, it is not an invite to my waaaa party! I am furious, absolutely freaking furious that I have turned into my mother. It ends. It ends now, and it will not continue. If I have to order a freaking exorcism, I will! I am frankly quite sick and tired of lugging this fat ass around. Do you know how much work this takes to maintain?!! Here's what I have got to do, and it's going to be a bi*%$ of a time: I quit smoking 2 and half years ago, I started when I was 15, so I smoked for 23 odd years. I had to quit because my youngest son cannot be around smoke - my husband still smokes around him and it infuriates me - but we'll conquer that in another therapy session we're calling a blog. When I craved a cigarette, and I cannot tell you how painful a cigarette craving is, unless you've also quit smoking. You literally feel like an animal. You feel your heart beat speed up, you break out with a sweat on your upper lip, and your breath comes in shallow inhalations and exhalations. Whatever these companies put into cigarettes, it is not just plain old fashioned nicotine - you are tweaking, and you are tweaking badly for a cigarette. I survived that. I survived giving up something I loved - because as disgusting a habit it is now to me, it was something I adored and looked forward to doing every single day. I was never a heavy smoker, my average was anywhere from 12 to 15 cigarettes a day, I cut back to 5 to 10 cigarettes when I was pregnant with my boys. Yes, I know - absolutely awful, there's nothing I can do about it now. So no comments from the peanut gallery!
I will approach food in exactly the same fashion. I tried explaining this at an end of year birthday party last Friday, but, alas, as I said, I often feel the 5th wheel; I never got to explain my grand plan, even though I was asked what it was. When I crave food, and in particular after 7 pm, I will breathe through the pain of the craving. If you can make it for 5 minutes, you are golden! Absolutely golden! Did you know that? It only takes 5 freaking minutes to breathe through a craving! I can and will survive my weight gain as well.
Some of the weight gain has been small marital problems, nothing really worth sharing, it's more personal in nature anyway - growing pains, unemployment, and the fear of losing everything you've worked for will stress anyone out. I just turn to food at every stinking opportunity.
OK. I feel better. Must have wanted to get that off of my shoulders and off of my chest. I feel the anger dissipating, and that's a very good feeling. I really do not have anyone that I speak with. My husband tries, but he, like my father, often start giving advice, start lecturing me. And that's just tiresome. I already know what I want and need to do; now I need someone to share this information with. I wish I had a good friend, I have a few nice women that I know, but the history is not there, you know? That long standing girl friend history that you just know this person gets you, understands you before you even finish your sentence. Maybe some day, perhaps a daughter-in-law, the daughter I never had. However, I want to be careful, because I never want to rely on someone, or make that person feel obligated. That starts a chain reaction of resentment and regret. A healthy, happy, honest and well rounded friendship. And guess what, I just got it! Don't you love epiphanies? I need to be my own best friend before I can be a really wonderful friend to another. Well DUH! SHEESH! I'm glad I started this blog! :)
My hubby starts his new contract in Orlando, FL tomorrow morning. He couldn't find work here in Chicago. Chicago's pretty messed up right now, the financial stability is simply not there. It will take years to get it cleaned up, and mainly because Chicago's so darned corrupt from the inside out, that the inside will not turn on their counterparts, because their counterparts have dirt on them, and vice versa. I wouldn't at all mind leaving the state of Illinois, but you have to ask yourself, where is there a large city that is not corrupt? And the answer's nowhere.
Alas, another discussion to pick up on another day... because, blessedly, I am exhausted now. And I cannot tell you how good that feels to write, feel, and know without a doubt; I am tired.
Thank you for "listening." :)
God Bless, Angie
Now, yes, my beginnings weren't optimum, they could've been better no doubt. However, I was much loved. And I miss that love - and that's where the food came in - to fill that hole that my mother left when she died. My mom was adopted and abused from the age of 6 years old. She was born in Chicago to immigrants, my grandpa was from Hamburg, Germany, and my grandmother was from County Cork, Ireland. Their names were Theodore Kraack and Margaret Morton; there was 28 years difference in their ages. Grandpa died July 4, 1949 on Mozart Street in Chicago, IL at the age of 69. Prior to immigrating to America he worked for Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus before the Barnum & Bailey Circus was added on. He was an acrobat. Much less is known of my grandmother, except that she was eccentric and had a break down after my grandfather died, she left all of the children, 5 in all, to fend for themselves and disappeared for a time. My mom never saw her mother past the age of 6, and that left a deep scar with her, which led to her life of yo-yo dieting and she eventually killed herself with obesity.
I know this sounds harsh, but here's the thing: I am still hurting. I am still yearning for my mom. As time progressed and I grew into a woman, I never left home; I took care of my mother until the age of 28, when I transferred to a job in Colorado Springs, CO. I then moved back home because a minimum wage job really sucks if you know no one in the town that you're living in - especially such a transient town as Colorado Springs - quite a lot of military coming and going, deployment and relocating. It was difficult making friends that lasted. So, I came home. And found my mom much worse off, she'd really let herself go, and something inside me knew it wasn't long that she'd be gone. She did get to see Mike and I married, she met Denny, her first grandchild, but she died 2 weeks after her 57th birthday, and her 41st wedding anniversary. For 13 years I'd become the mother, and that day I lost my mother, my best friend, my child, and the only person on this planet that actually knew me, really knew me. And as time progressed I became more and more angry, more resentful. I didn't experience college like a lot of people get to do; I was taking care of my mom. I didn't experience normal dating, because I was taking care of my mom. I didn't experience a lot "firsts" because I was taking care of my mom. Ever see the movie "The Haunting" with Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Lili Taylor? Do you remember seeing the scenes with Eleanor, played by Lili, where she would hear her mother banging on the wall, even when her mother was dead? They did a good job of recreating what tricks your mind can play on you. You really do not know who you are. Where you begin and the other person ends. And you feel like a 5th wheel your entire life. Imagine that. Just close your eyes and imagine not knowing how to interact with others because you never really had the chance to figure out who you were.
So there's the back story. It's not a pity party, believe you me, it is not an invite to my waaaa party! I am furious, absolutely freaking furious that I have turned into my mother. It ends. It ends now, and it will not continue. If I have to order a freaking exorcism, I will! I am frankly quite sick and tired of lugging this fat ass around. Do you know how much work this takes to maintain?!! Here's what I have got to do, and it's going to be a bi*%$ of a time: I quit smoking 2 and half years ago, I started when I was 15, so I smoked for 23 odd years. I had to quit because my youngest son cannot be around smoke - my husband still smokes around him and it infuriates me - but we'll conquer that in another therapy session we're calling a blog. When I craved a cigarette, and I cannot tell you how painful a cigarette craving is, unless you've also quit smoking. You literally feel like an animal. You feel your heart beat speed up, you break out with a sweat on your upper lip, and your breath comes in shallow inhalations and exhalations. Whatever these companies put into cigarettes, it is not just plain old fashioned nicotine - you are tweaking, and you are tweaking badly for a cigarette. I survived that. I survived giving up something I loved - because as disgusting a habit it is now to me, it was something I adored and looked forward to doing every single day. I was never a heavy smoker, my average was anywhere from 12 to 15 cigarettes a day, I cut back to 5 to 10 cigarettes when I was pregnant with my boys. Yes, I know - absolutely awful, there's nothing I can do about it now. So no comments from the peanut gallery!
I will approach food in exactly the same fashion. I tried explaining this at an end of year birthday party last Friday, but, alas, as I said, I often feel the 5th wheel; I never got to explain my grand plan, even though I was asked what it was. When I crave food, and in particular after 7 pm, I will breathe through the pain of the craving. If you can make it for 5 minutes, you are golden! Absolutely golden! Did you know that? It only takes 5 freaking minutes to breathe through a craving! I can and will survive my weight gain as well.
Some of the weight gain has been small marital problems, nothing really worth sharing, it's more personal in nature anyway - growing pains, unemployment, and the fear of losing everything you've worked for will stress anyone out. I just turn to food at every stinking opportunity.
OK. I feel better. Must have wanted to get that off of my shoulders and off of my chest. I feel the anger dissipating, and that's a very good feeling. I really do not have anyone that I speak with. My husband tries, but he, like my father, often start giving advice, start lecturing me. And that's just tiresome. I already know what I want and need to do; now I need someone to share this information with. I wish I had a good friend, I have a few nice women that I know, but the history is not there, you know? That long standing girl friend history that you just know this person gets you, understands you before you even finish your sentence. Maybe some day, perhaps a daughter-in-law, the daughter I never had. However, I want to be careful, because I never want to rely on someone, or make that person feel obligated. That starts a chain reaction of resentment and regret. A healthy, happy, honest and well rounded friendship. And guess what, I just got it! Don't you love epiphanies? I need to be my own best friend before I can be a really wonderful friend to another. Well DUH! SHEESH! I'm glad I started this blog! :)
My hubby starts his new contract in Orlando, FL tomorrow morning. He couldn't find work here in Chicago. Chicago's pretty messed up right now, the financial stability is simply not there. It will take years to get it cleaned up, and mainly because Chicago's so darned corrupt from the inside out, that the inside will not turn on their counterparts, because their counterparts have dirt on them, and vice versa. I wouldn't at all mind leaving the state of Illinois, but you have to ask yourself, where is there a large city that is not corrupt? And the answer's nowhere.
Alas, another discussion to pick up on another day... because, blessedly, I am exhausted now. And I cannot tell you how good that feels to write, feel, and know without a doubt; I am tired.
Thank you for "listening." :)
God Bless, Angie
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Taking some time
My husband leaves our home tomorrow to drive miles away for a job. I feel like the old west - you know the movies that played in the little boy's head in A Christmas Story? Old tinny music is playing in the background, me in my babushka and thigh high boots, weeping into a lacy hanky. While Mike rides off on our only mule for better wages and a way to feed his little chiles! Oh how the mind works!!
Truth be told, it was inevitable. Work here in the Chicago area is few and far between. The main areas, the metro areas of Chicago are in deep doo-doo because they don't know how to handle money. And there's so much of everyone helping a family member that no one is actually working - they're too busy looking over their shoulders while they make sure that their cousin five times removed has a job as a janitor at the local library. It's really sad. Why not try finding a job on your qualifications... what an idea?
So, we hunker down, we do the best we can. We hope to save our lives, and try to keep a smile, and an old time movie playing on in the background, while we work through the malarky silly men in beautiful suits made for us.
And onto a bowl of popcorn.....
Truth be told, it was inevitable. Work here in the Chicago area is few and far between. The main areas, the metro areas of Chicago are in deep doo-doo because they don't know how to handle money. And there's so much of everyone helping a family member that no one is actually working - they're too busy looking over their shoulders while they make sure that their cousin five times removed has a job as a janitor at the local library. It's really sad. Why not try finding a job on your qualifications... what an idea?
So, we hunker down, we do the best we can. We hope to save our lives, and try to keep a smile, and an old time movie playing on in the background, while we work through the malarky silly men in beautiful suits made for us.
And onto a bowl of popcorn.....
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Telephone calls, no answer... what IS up with that?
All right, so a lot of us are having some financial hurdles to face, and we're all doing the best we can with a situation that is difficult for the best of us. And I present to you, why do companies such as Capital One, Wachovia, HFC Beneficial, and Out Of Area (whoever that might be), not answer when you pick up the telephone? Or, even better, you've just spoken to someone at that company and they call the same day you've made whatever arrangements you've made with XYZ representative:
And they say, "These calls will persist until your account is up to date."
And you respond, "That’s cool, I understand, we have been unemployed since XYZ, and we do not get unemployment, so we can only pay this amount $0.00."
And they say, "That’s not enough, you must pay $0.00, give me your routing number and account number and we'll do a check by phone."
And you say, "I am sorry, I am unable to do that at this time. I have X amount of opportunities that I am following up on, and I hope to have employment soon. But until I do, I can only pay your company $5.00 this month."
And they say, "We must take a check by phone today or this will affect your credit rating and you will be unable to open any other credit cards, buy real estate, or purchase a new car."
Now, they've not taken into account that the person they are speaking with is so far in the financial hole that a bad credit rating is the least of their concerns. The person they are speaking with pays $1200 in child support a month, $1650 a month in mortgage payments, $800 in car payments, approximately $400 in utilities... not to mention the $30,000 in medical bills they're in the hole for because their insurance didn't cover a surgery on their leg a year and a half ago. Credit rating? What credit rating? This person is worried they'll no longer have a vehicle to find employment with. Forget the credit rating!
And the conversation continues, and because this is the seventh month of brow beating, exhaustive research, prayer, church help with electric bills, gas gift cards from everyone, food gift cards, and finally food stamps kick in and AllKids takes affect... the pressure is immense. So the explanation, since it has been given so often, is actually quite draining, is left to:
"I'm sorry I cannot do more at this time. I really wish that I could. Is your company hiring? (Usually followed by the customer service rep laughing through the word no) I will pay you more as soon as I have more. I promise you, I will. I know my promise really means nothing because you don't know me, but that is the best I can do."
And a check by phone is asked for once more. And the consumer, the one who was a different person six... eight... ten months ago quietly hangs up the phone. Because nothing is going to come of this, it is a demented merry-go-round that neither party will be able to end, until that routing number and account number is shared. And it's tempting to share it, is it not? Because what are they going to get? Nothing. Because the amount they're demanding is nonexistent in this person's account.
And the cycle continues...
And they say, "These calls will persist until your account is up to date."
And you respond, "That’s cool, I understand, we have been unemployed since XYZ, and we do not get unemployment, so we can only pay this amount $0.00."
And they say, "That’s not enough, you must pay $0.00, give me your routing number and account number and we'll do a check by phone."
And you say, "I am sorry, I am unable to do that at this time. I have X amount of opportunities that I am following up on, and I hope to have employment soon. But until I do, I can only pay your company $5.00 this month."
And they say, "We must take a check by phone today or this will affect your credit rating and you will be unable to open any other credit cards, buy real estate, or purchase a new car."
Now, they've not taken into account that the person they are speaking with is so far in the financial hole that a bad credit rating is the least of their concerns. The person they are speaking with pays $1200 in child support a month, $1650 a month in mortgage payments, $800 in car payments, approximately $400 in utilities... not to mention the $30,000 in medical bills they're in the hole for because their insurance didn't cover a surgery on their leg a year and a half ago. Credit rating? What credit rating? This person is worried they'll no longer have a vehicle to find employment with. Forget the credit rating!
And the conversation continues, and because this is the seventh month of brow beating, exhaustive research, prayer, church help with electric bills, gas gift cards from everyone, food gift cards, and finally food stamps kick in and AllKids takes affect... the pressure is immense. So the explanation, since it has been given so often, is actually quite draining, is left to:
"I'm sorry I cannot do more at this time. I really wish that I could. Is your company hiring? (Usually followed by the customer service rep laughing through the word no) I will pay you more as soon as I have more. I promise you, I will. I know my promise really means nothing because you don't know me, but that is the best I can do."
And a check by phone is asked for once more. And the consumer, the one who was a different person six... eight... ten months ago quietly hangs up the phone. Because nothing is going to come of this, it is a demented merry-go-round that neither party will be able to end, until that routing number and account number is shared. And it's tempting to share it, is it not? Because what are they going to get? Nothing. Because the amount they're demanding is nonexistent in this person's account.
And the cycle continues...
... Now what?
It's been a ride, hasn't it? This recession. This election. This millennium. It's been a ride. And y'all wanted change, right? Change was necessary to make our country great once more, right? Get your heads out of the clouds. You've changed things, no doubt. Want socialism? Move to Canada. Want communism? Move to Russia... Cuba... North Korea... China (they'll claim they're not :) ) If you want freedom the first thing everyone must realize is you'll have to work hard. Factory hard. Building a car hard. Delivering a newspaper with own two hands on your own two feet hard. Postal worker hard. We, as a society, do not know what "hard" work is anymore. We used to. Remember Rosie the Riveter? That was what were we, what we have come from, and what we must aspire to. Because that was ethical, moral, and honest hard work. Hard equated to feeling damned good about yourself at the end of the day... earning your keep... earning your way... and making a difference.
Now, before anyone posts angry posts, remember this: This is an opinion. Opinions are what we are all guaranteed under the Constitution of the United States of America. As you have a right to post what you wish, so do I, and we must sometimes agree to disagree. And that is all right, because the more people post, the more we will communicate our opinions, perhaps even learn something from one another. Let's keep this civil. Let's show etiquette, and common courteous for one another at all times. If it becomes too heated, and what I mean by that is all lack of control is evident, then we must move on. No and, ifs, or buts. Leave it and move on. That is a point of no return. Please do not post here if you cannot abide by those simple rules.
Onto my groove..... :) When our eldest little man was born I sat and sobbed for quite some time with my mom. I did not know that she would be dead within a few short months. All I knew is that she had lost a child to SIDS, and I could not fathom how she survived that. How do you survive the death of your baby? The baby you grew to know and love even before you met them and named them? She said you breath through the pain. The pain and sadness never go away, you learn to live with it. The immensity of having a child in "this day and age" hit me full force. I asked my mom, "what in the hell am I thinking bringing a child into this ugly world? Why did I do this to him?" She smiled that sweet mom smile, and shook her head, "you were born when Chicago was rioting, right after Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert Kennedy were murdered. You were born when we landed on the moon, and when the Vietnam War was still under way. Children are born so that we can, hopefully, make someone that will one day make a difference. So that, years down the road, they can tell their children about their grandma."
We didn't know that during that time that I sat with mom she put me through mommy boot camp. Everyday was something new, and most often many something news. We didn't know that, in a way, we were preparing for my mom's departure. Now, mom was only 56 years old. She'd lived a very hard life, and had so much wisdom, it was as if she were 90 instead of just 56. I, now that it has nearly been 9 years (11/16/00) that she's been gone, can see how so very lucky I was to have had such a wondrous, kind, loving, tough, feisty mother in my life. No one could push my buttons like my mom! Oh my, but she could make me angry! And I know I do that with my boys, because I see the same roll of the eyes :) But you know, I hope, though I hope they do not mourn as long as I did, I hope that they remember me with as much wonder as I have come to remember my mom.
And now, I am trying my darnedest to come out from under my mom's shadow. She didn't place it there, I did. I have to work through this and find my way, hence my blog of finding my groove in the middle of all this. I want to get back into school in the fall, nothing fancy - Harper College for a certificate in computers. Find a job relatively close to home, that would be cool :) But first, I have to shake this constant "I'm not good enough to be here" feeling off. I judge myself harshly, and I need to love myself just a bit more. Once I'm there.... :) Lord Almighty, I will be unstoppable!
And that's for Saturday, May 30, 2009.... have a great weekend!
Now, before anyone posts angry posts, remember this: This is an opinion. Opinions are what we are all guaranteed under the Constitution of the United States of America. As you have a right to post what you wish, so do I, and we must sometimes agree to disagree. And that is all right, because the more people post, the more we will communicate our opinions, perhaps even learn something from one another. Let's keep this civil. Let's show etiquette, and common courteous for one another at all times. If it becomes too heated, and what I mean by that is all lack of control is evident, then we must move on. No and, ifs, or buts. Leave it and move on. That is a point of no return. Please do not post here if you cannot abide by those simple rules.
Onto my groove..... :) When our eldest little man was born I sat and sobbed for quite some time with my mom. I did not know that she would be dead within a few short months. All I knew is that she had lost a child to SIDS, and I could not fathom how she survived that. How do you survive the death of your baby? The baby you grew to know and love even before you met them and named them? She said you breath through the pain. The pain and sadness never go away, you learn to live with it. The immensity of having a child in "this day and age" hit me full force. I asked my mom, "what in the hell am I thinking bringing a child into this ugly world? Why did I do this to him?" She smiled that sweet mom smile, and shook her head, "you were born when Chicago was rioting, right after Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert Kennedy were murdered. You were born when we landed on the moon, and when the Vietnam War was still under way. Children are born so that we can, hopefully, make someone that will one day make a difference. So that, years down the road, they can tell their children about their grandma."
We didn't know that during that time that I sat with mom she put me through mommy boot camp. Everyday was something new, and most often many something news. We didn't know that, in a way, we were preparing for my mom's departure. Now, mom was only 56 years old. She'd lived a very hard life, and had so much wisdom, it was as if she were 90 instead of just 56. I, now that it has nearly been 9 years (11/16/00) that she's been gone, can see how so very lucky I was to have had such a wondrous, kind, loving, tough, feisty mother in my life. No one could push my buttons like my mom! Oh my, but she could make me angry! And I know I do that with my boys, because I see the same roll of the eyes :) But you know, I hope, though I hope they do not mourn as long as I did, I hope that they remember me with as much wonder as I have come to remember my mom.
And now, I am trying my darnedest to come out from under my mom's shadow. She didn't place it there, I did. I have to work through this and find my way, hence my blog of finding my groove in the middle of all this. I want to get back into school in the fall, nothing fancy - Harper College for a certificate in computers. Find a job relatively close to home, that would be cool :) But first, I have to shake this constant "I'm not good enough to be here" feeling off. I judge myself harshly, and I need to love myself just a bit more. Once I'm there.... :) Lord Almighty, I will be unstoppable!
And that's for Saturday, May 30, 2009.... have a great weekend!
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