I am BRAVE

BEAUTIFUL
REDEEMED
ANNOINTED
VICTORIOUS
EQUIPT

This week's progress.... Pictures at the bottom.

I want to preface this blog entry with this: I am merely writing what has transpired. The beauty of asking for help is this, life does not magically become easier, it becomes manageable. I was always so hard on myself because I thought asking for help was a weakness. Mike, my husband, and I only knew hard work in our marriage (my father would stop by with chicken and other food stuffs because we were always so poor). We’ve been blessed with such good, Godly people, placed in our path at just the right times in our lives together.

We attend Celebrate Recovery at Peoples Church, and we are also attending the step study, which is going through step by step all twelve steps with other men and women who are as lost and stuck as we have been. However, because we are taking it seriously, and because we are working the steps, we are holding ourselves accountable, and we have awesome accountability teams and sponsors, I am seeing the effects of this. As is my husband. And, it’s helping me with my go to crutch: Food. What I so dearly want people to understand is that food is a bandaid. Anyone with a weight issue, most especially a very visible one such as myself, the food is where one is finding the love they yearn for. Morbidly Obese people do not like to over eat. Morbidly Obese people are the most visible forgotten ones in our society. It will remain chronic because there is very little compassion or empathy for such a problem.

Here’s the ironic thing, and it really does make sense when you take a step back from it: over eating wasn’t because I liked food, or that I was hungry. My heart has been broken for so long that I didn’t face that pain. For a long time my go to was many different foods. My go to was being the wounded party because I felt I was not being validated. But here’s the neat thing: I am validated because Jesus died for me – and He died for you too. Take that in. Imagine it. Close your eyes and really see this: The most important person in your life, child, husband, friend, sister, mother, father – pick whomever makes you get up in the morning. The one you lean on, the one you love. They are carrying a cross for the rest of the world so that they may know true freedom. See it. The price He paid, He paid willingly! He did it so that we may know just how much God adores us. Our earthly love cannot compare.

To those who have paid that horrible price already, the loss of the one that you got up in the morning for: imagine it being solely that person’s choice, and you've known the price from the moment they were born. You were given the knowledge at conception what this person's path would be. Not by accident. Not by illness. But that they chose to die for all of us. God sent Jesus to die for all of us to show us that first and foremost He adores us. Secondly it was because He needed to know how it was to be man, to feel what we feel. He came to us as a child to be crucified as a man to show us He knows our struggles. And once Christ rose on the third day and sat at the right hand of the Father, The Holy Spirit was left within each and every one of us - we are never alone. You are never alone. God Almighty is within you at this very moment! And since Christ paid the price, He acts as a filter between us and God - God can only see His beloved Son Jesus Christ, thereby the price for your sin has been paid in full! I do not mean to be preachy - I mean for you to feel that fire in your gut - GOD IS WITHIN YOU AT ALL TIMES!

As I’ve been hearing lately, that was my bunny trail….

This last week was difficult. It was a week of rollercoaster ups and downs. I’d, initially thought it was a beautiful week. I had spent time with someone that I had earned to get to know. But later found out that they sat my husband down and said some not so nice things in my home at my kitchen table while I was at work. Now, when I was younger I never understood it when my parents would get upset when they’d yell, “In my home!?!” I completely get it now – it is such a disrespectful thing to do. My husband asked me to say nothing, do nothing, and I promised I wouldn’t. I wanted to respect my husband and not confront, as I usually do. A friend of mine laughs that she and I like to be hammers, and seeing a nail, we MUST hammer it! I became a feather for my husband on Saturday evening. And though I still have questions of “why?” I know it wouldn’t matter. The answers are just not there.

I then met with my sponsor and had a tough, and blessed step one read through. I’ve realized that as I grow it’s as if I’m allergic to anything fake. Anything less than genuine seems like such a waste of time.

The following day I was asked if I’d like to get together with a few gals, two of which were not as genuine as I'd hoped they would be, being around them felt forced. And, I didn’t want to fake it till I made it anymore. I confronted, and as I had suspected feelings were still running deep, being one to move on – be done with the situation, or be done with the person – I was drawn to let go and bless the situation. I am most certainly hurt by it, but I am also free from it. I wish these women only the best, and will keep them in prayer. I really do not know what to pray, but I will ask God for guidance. Sometimes when we're hurt all we can mutter is, "please God..."

The most beautiful side effect is I was not hungry – I didn’t eat! However, I do want some kind of outlet, and would love to learn how to crochet. I have also put in my resignation at my job because my family needs me more at this time. The schedule was butting up against the boys schedules. And we’re all working out at 5 AM, which makes for a very long day if I work until 8 PM. And, to be honest, I absolutely love being a homemaker. There is nothing wrong with that, as I had felt there was, and my dear friend looked at me and said, “Well, yeah! You’ve always loved that!” So – homemaker I am. I am blessed, and I am finding my joy even in very painful moments. Pain doesn’t go away, but I can manage it better. One. Day. At. A. Time. One. Moment. At. A. Time. As. A. Pathway. To. Peace.

Here are some pictures of my weight loss thus far. I have lost 72 pounds as of today!

 

Last evening :-)

Leipers Fork, TN - silly boys :D

Selfie ;)

Mike, my husband, and I :) Tummy's almost gone.

 

 

 Where I began... with my cousins, Christina, and Mary.

Nearly 60 Pounds Down...

I'm so sorry for my lack of follow up. This homeschooling venture is.... deep breath... wonderfully hair pulling! I am so enjoying my children, and have found this to be a wondrous time for all of us, but... they miss school with a passion. We've been chatting, no plans set in stone, as families often do, of returning to school next year. Dennis, our eldest, said that his problem was he never asked questions. He said, "mom, I know what the problem is," to which I await his excuses (we're all good for excuses, but 13 year-olds can come up with doozies), "I never asked my teacher questions. I promise I will ask questions from now on." I was impressed, and immensely pleased! Now - the follow through - we'll see.

I also attended a retreat with Franklin Christian Church, which I've done the last three years. I had a great time! Men would never understand the need for tears, laughter, more tears, confessions, laughter, snorting laughter, followed by balling - but let me tell you - if you have this then you've had a good time. IF you're a woman! No Midol needed, thank you very much!

Life's been quiet, hence the lack of reporting. I am, along with my husband, Mike, going to be attending Celebrate Recovery step study at Peoples Church Sunday evenings. What this is is a twelve step program, the principals of Christ's teachings, in a safe place. You deal with, and say goodbye to, any hurt, habit, hang up, or addiction you're facing. This doesn't mean you're "cured," it means that you can allow Jesus' grace to touch those parts of your heart that you thought were long dead - leaving you feeling less than... in everything. We're also working on our marriage, because let's face it, you do not stay together for fifteen years and have nothing happen that hurts, and hangs on, leaving you bruised, and sometimes, ready to run for the nearest exit. I need prayers concerning this, so if you think of me, please pray for my heart to heal. And pray that we give all we've got to this step study so as to have a life filled with joy and a hope.

A lot of the last paragraph is due to my surgery. And this is why: I ALWAYS turned to food. Always. Any sadness, there was a nibble I could force down so as not to cry. There was always a salty treat to eat to not yell, or face the pain. There was always a sweet something to overdo it on so as not to remember the heartbreak. Now, I cannot eat more than a half a cup of food at a sitting. It doesn't mean I cannot overeat. It means that I MUST chose better. I MUST chose healthy. I cannot have had this surgery, this painful incisions be for nothing. unbeknownst to me, I opened a huge can of worms when I started this stage of my life, if I'd known would I have done it anyway? Yes. Because, physically, I feel wonderful.

I have lost 59 pounds, and some 25 inches overall. The last three weeks I've averaged 2 pounds a week. I am still getting approximately 800 calories a day, over 60 grams of protein, and  lots of liquids, and I work out everyday. I decided I was not going to let this bother me. It's slow going, BUT I am headed in the right direction. That's what's important. The latest picture is from retreat.

I am immensely proud of myself. Both in my weight loss, and in the way I have grown. So many of us at retreat have lost our mothers, some lost so much more. I met a girl who has lost her brother, mother, and father. She is one of the sweetest, kindest people you will ever meet. Such a grace she bestowed on all of us. In sharing our grief, and I don't know if everyone does this, but I do: I think as I speak. Now, I won't kid you, sometimes I do not just shove my foot down my throat, I shove my whole leg down my throat - so be careful not to do this! I said, when my mother died, my eldest was three months old. It was not expected, and it literally broke my heart. I had to grow up that day, I no longer had a mother to ask questions of, I no longer had a best friend to share my joys with. God bless Mike, he tried to fill her shoes, but they were much too large to fill. She was my all and everything, and I became a woman that day. This is not a boo-who moment, ladies and gentlemen, this is me raising my hand with my shakra like Xena and screaming at the top of my lungs. Because, if this hadn't had happened I might not have realized my true self, my strength, my wherewithal. Life happens. It's how we end up after the dust has settled that speaks volumes. The dust is still a bit stirred, but that's OK, I got this!