Dealing with old demons....

Today there’s not much to write. Now that I’ve written that, I’ll probably write a novel!

We’ve made it through nearly two weeks of homeschooling, and everyone is still sane! It is one of the toughest things I’ve ever done, though it does seem to be paying off, even being in the honeymoon period. The kids are calmer. Robert’s not coming home beaten up. Dennis isn’t coming home with four hours of homework. A “normal” day has been in the ballpark of nine hours. I’m sure we’ll get to a point where it is closer to six hours per day.

As to weight loss, my personal check-in is tomorrow. Last Thursday I had weighed in at Vanderbilt and lost forty pounds and ten inches. Very exciting! I’ll post additional pictures soon. I’m waiting for one from my cousin that shows my beginning highest weight. Hopefully I’ll have that to share soon.

The most important issue I faced, and have faced for over two years in CR, was my experience with child molestation. At the age of seven, on November 13^th of 1976, I was hurt by a friend of my parents, a neighbor that lived behind us. I will not go into detail here because that’s not the point. The point is I was able to tell my father from point A to Z what happened. Everything. At that point in time, when I was seven years old, I did not have the words to explain. And honestly, he was so upset, I don’t think I would have been able to. What happened in my young girl’s mind is this: My father, after learning of what happened, rushed home from work. He was, understandably, upset. He grabbed a gun and was going to shoot the man that hurt me. Our neighbor came over and stood in front of my dad, eventually stopping him.

My dad then took me into my parent’s bedroom, at this point in time being a parent myself, I understand my father’s anger. At this point in time, at the age of seven, I did not understand. He held the gun in front of me asking what I had done. In my mind I was screaming I didn’t do anything, daddy. But the words wouldn’t come. I could only shake my head and try to make myself as small as humanly possible. He then asked what the man had done to me. Again, the words wouldn’t come. I just did not have the vocabulary to explain what had happened. I only knew it was wrong.

I was able to speak of this to my father for the first time last week. It is healing to get the bad stuff out. It is healing to cry. So many times, I’m sure you can relate, I’ve been in survival mode. Get to moment one, get to moment two, get through day one, get to day two. One step in front of the other. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

For many years I was heavy because I felt safer. Who would find me attractive? It was my safety blanket of sorts. Then I had an aha moment with my husband. We have been members of Peoples Church and Peoples Church CR for a little over two years. I have been MIA for approximately three months because of work, surgery, and now I don’t want to lose this momentum I’ve started in the exercising quadrant of my life. I’ll go back, I’ve no doubt. CR helped me deal with the loss of my mother. You see, when I was molested I was paralyzed. I literally could not move. My beautiful, strong, pain-in-the-ass mother who could push my buttons like no other felt something was wrong and she came looking for me. I heard her voice and I started to cry. And then I started to run. She was only 4’11”, but don’t you know it, she knocked that damn door down! My mom, in more ways than I could ever describe, was my hero. All the way around she was my hero. When I lost her, I lost my very best friend, my savior of sorts, my hero, my mommy. To this day, I cannot think too long on her for fear of being useless the rest of the day. I digress. My aha moment was when I said I was heavy to protect myself – it didn’t’ make sense. I had been heavy from the age of four. I was seven. Oh my goodness! I realized it wasn’t because of what had happened to me. It was because of my lifestyle. Because of my mom’s lifestyle. As wonderfully, beautifully, strong she was, she had an easily broken heart. And it was broken numerous times. Her cure was to eat. And my being a little girl without a vote, I was her food companion.

So here we are today. And what I have done with all of this overlap is this: My mom had her life. Yes, there was immense heartbreak, and there were broken dreams. But, really, that’s life. We all have heartbreak and broken dreams. This is my life. I must live it to the best of my ability. For myself, for my husband, for my children to witness. I must live with my head held high in honor of my mom, and in honor of some of the things I’ve had to survive. We all have our own story, we all have our own darkness to bring to light and call it what it really is – that man was coward and child molester. It wasn’t my fault. It never was. The best end to this story is my living a fulfilling life, thereby cancelling out any damage he tried to do.

I love you, mommy. Thank you for saving me that day, and so many others, some I do not have any knowledge of. I will miss you until we meet again.

God’s Blessings on your day, y’all! Thank you for popping by.

Today is Thursday, August 1, 2013, three weeks to the day after my surgery. Today is the first day I am feeling pretty good! Words cannot fully express how happy I am – but I will try! :)

This weight loss surgery runs the gamut for time in recovery. I thought for sure that I’d be back on my feet, one of the success stories, pictures in Life magazine in three years of me waving from the top of Mount Kilimanjaro! Ha! J No – not really. But I expected to bounce back pretty quickly. I am no stranger to surgeries, having had two C-sections, three ventral hernia operations, and a rib removal when I was twenty five (that one knocked me flat for a week, they deflated my lung, and went through my arm pit to remove the rib that had lodged itself into my throat.) This one hurt. It hurt pretty bad. I was disappointed, frustrated with myself, and wondering had I made a mistake choosing this surgery….? Thank you God for my husband, he kept my spirits up when I was down. He has known me fifteen years now, and knew my struggle up close and personal. When I would falter he would say, “Babe, you didn’t make a mistake. This saved your life. Give it time. Give it time.” Yes, thank you God for my husband.

Here’s a photo of my first week post op, and today, three weeks post op. I have lost 32 pounds, and several inches.

 

 

 

Here is the size food you eat immediately following surgery. And then how much you can eat as you get closer to your thirty days out. The smaller one is about two and half ounces, while the larger is about five ounces.

 

 

What I have learned, and yes, to those of you that feel surgery is the “easy” way out (it’s not, believe me), it can be done without surgery, no doubt. The thing is I couldn’t. I could not lose weight. I probably did too much damage to my body as a young woman, yoyo dieting, going from 300 to 200 pounds in a matter of a couple of months. Several times. I always wanted to be accepted, and unfortunately I’m a bit of a silly goose - I absolutely adore laughing, and once you’re my friend you’re my friend for life - I never leave anyone out, I always include everyone because I know how much it hurts to be the one left behind. My life’s been a bit lonely. I attend things, but in times past it could be painfully obvious I was in the wrong the room, or group. Now – what’s helped with the above statements is CR, Celebrate Recovery (http://www.celebraterecovery.com/), it is a twelve step program that is offered at many venues, mainly churches, all over the country. It is Christ centered, as I cannot overcome what I’ve just expressed to you via this blog without keeping Jesus Christ front and center – He has already paid the price – so you’re darned tootin’, I belong in whatever room I’ve entered!

More importantly I can better handle when someone hurts me. Because, let’s face it, hurt people hurt people. It is a shame that communication cannot be the cornerstone, but some do not want to communicate. It’s safer, and more comfortable to live with a perceived wrong than it is to discuss it openly, thereby taking control of the situation and moving on. Sigh. It is difficult living in a society of hurt human beings knowing all they have to do is attend a CR meeting! :)

Any hoot! I’m very excited at the future, where I’m headed, where my body is headed, what I will be able to do as time goes on. This is merely a tool. I need to remember the weight can sneak back on if I am not careful. It is only a tool.

To those of you curious souls that wonder what the diet consists of, could you lose weight quickly? It is like Atkins on steroids. I am taking in 600 to my highest of 770 calories a day. Nearly all of it is protein. I’ll break down my diet below, what I have daily. I take three Flintstone vitamins a day, and three doses of two chewable tablets of caltrate, calcium & Vitamin D3 supplement. You have to take the Flintstone and calcium two hours apart, otherwise they cancel one another out. So every two hours I take a vitamin. I cannot eat and drink together. It literally hurts my chest and stomach if I try. I must get down 64 ounces of fluids a day, which I do via crystal light. I set a timer that reminds me when to eat, because I am usually not hungry. BUT! I must make sure that I have not drunk any fluids, otherwise I must wait a half an hour before eating. Otherwise it will hurt. And, there is evidence that you can stretch your new banana-sized stomach out if you do it often. Then, you simply wait one half hour after eating to commence sipping your fluids. I only have one six ounce cup of coffee a day – those that really know me know how incredibly shocking this is! J

Usual diet:

Breakfast: two eggs with a slice of cheese, scrambled.

Lunch: three to four ounces of whatever we had for dinner. Last night was high protein, low carbohydrate stuffed peppers with quinoa in a pressure cooker (you can find all kinds of great recipes online, just filter your search with “high protein, low carbohydrate.”

Dinner: Usually I’m trying to figure out what to have. As a for instance, I cooked up two ounces of spinach (canned) in with one egg, two artichoke hearts, and about a teaspoon of parmesan cheese. Oh my, it was good! Like a mini quiche! Just use your imagination!

 

By Mike’s birthday, on the 8^th, I’ll be able to eat anything as that will be my “clearance” Doctor’s visit. I’m excited, because, after surgery (and only after – I didn’t think to ask PRIOR! DUH!) I asked if I could have popcorn. I LOVE popcorn. And the answer is yes. Oh, thank you! It is yes! So – movie for his birthday? :)

That’s about it. Now, below are some pictures of hairstyles that have caught my eye. I like the one that has a red hue to it, though I love Anne Burrell’s hairstyle as well! Ha! That is so my personality! :) I would love to change my hairstyle to one of the hairstyles below... feel free to write me a note stating which you like most.

Say a quick prayer for me, please. Tomorrow is the boys’ first day of school, Mike and I have chosen to homeschool this year. For many reasons, primarily because we saw our sons faltering, and there is only so much time allotted to us to properly educate them, and prepare them for what life will throw their way. Also, I’m liking the idea of having more time with them. My boys are such polar opposites, it will be interesting to see where this year takes us!

Have a blessed day, all, thank you for popping by ♥

 

Hairstyles.... VOTE! :)