Stepping out of my comfort zone

I've not posted in my blog for some time. There are several reasons for that, paramount was the loss of a cousin, then two on Facebook, they did not die, they “un-friended me.” I've done some soul searching, praying, and talking with friends that are in my life, that unlike the past, support me even when we may disagree.

One of the most difficult lessons to learn as a human being, let alone a woman, is that everyone will not always like you. Let's break this down:

As a human being we're taught to keep others close to us for security, for body heat, for procreation. That is just the basics.

Add in being an American and we're taught that we are supposed to be inviting, encouraging, an open door to show others what a wonderful life an American can have. This is more old school than it is for today's very young American. Nowadays young Americans seem to have front and center me, me, and oh yeah, more me.

Then you've got the woman's complex nature. This is also dependent upon whom they were raised by, what time frame they were raised. Were they rich, poor, middle class. I was born in the late 60s', I was raised by a conservative Republican family who remembered what it was like to live in Germany during Hitler's reign, and in Ireland during the potato famine. We are from humble beginnings, but a back bone for hard work, and hard play. I was taught I was to put others before myself, I was to make sure that everyone was happy, settled, comfortable, and well nourished. We were lower middle class, paycheck to paycheck living. My mother was insistent upon my being a worker from the get go, factory work was the easiest fastest route to this way of life. She did not know better, she did what she knew what to do at the time. A common saying our home was, “All I have to do is pay my taxes and die.” It was what it was.

Then you put this woman who is an American, people pleaser, overly concerned with everyone else, stay at home mother which can be very isolating, especially if your budget does not allow for frivolous activities… put her on Facebook. Holy Crap!! I mean seriously? Seriously!?! It's amazing no one's thought to create a movie about someone like.... me!

Now, here's the kicker. I was hurt years ago because a recording of my mom's voice was erased. What was frustrating to me was that I had stated how I heard my own voice, I sounded just like my mom - how beautifully, painfully, wonderful is that? It is truly a gift from God. Because I can hear her at any time if I so wished. Was that part of my previous post read by my family? No. It wasn't. What was read is how the recording was erased. It was made about them once again. Let me get this straight, and for once be brave: This blog is not about you, it is about me. Hence MY BLOG. I will not be held prisoner any longer by someone else's perceived wrong. Believe you me; they're not worried about anything that might hurt me. If that were the case they would have been there when my mother passed. My husband, father, and brother were.

Now, here's the beautiful part of all of this. I have friends that have lost their moms. And do you know what a gift it is that I can minister to them? Do you know what a joy it is to share their grief? Do you know the shear humility I feel at being there with them while they walk through what I did? My first born was 4 months old when my mother passed. To say that I was suicidal is to put it lightly. By the grace of God I am here today. My family was not there for that. No one reached out, but my goodness, when something happened in their lives the presses stopped. Now – I tell you this because you need the back story, who I am today is not who I was then. I was extremely fragile. I was damaged beyond words. I was wounded at a fundamental level. I was one step from death every single day for years. By God’s grace I am here.

So, where do we go from here? First, I needed to come to an understanding that it wasn’t about me. My perception of others attitudes, actions, lack of involvement was not about me. It was on them. I, at my core, had not changed – my personality has always been one of making sure that others were happier than me. That’s not touting who and what I was – I was put on this planet to make sure everyone else was safe, comfortable and well provided for. Period. No ulterior motive. Period. What people pleasers do not realize, they are too close to their addiction to see it, they are taken advantage of. They are used as door mats, they are used as the proverbial horse that is kicked when it is down. It is an addiction, have no misconceptions of this. It is an addiction. An addicted to feeling useful. Never mind that the usefulness is really a sickness of filling time with others needs, wants, addictions that they need filled – when we should fill our time with the Lord’s Word your time becomes easy to navigate – you become free! God is good all of the time, all of the time God is good. Never will God treat you as people have. Never will God let you down like people have. Never will God hurt you like people have. God is good all of the time. All of the time God is good.

After much prayer. Quiet contemplation. Taking myself out of situations that were not healthy, even situations that I was truly enjoying, such as my husband and my clan on Playstation 3, where players were treating others in a fashion that I recognized and which disgusted me. I could not condone it, so I backed myself out of it. We cannot change others – we can only change ourselves. How many times had I heard that same comment but could not wrap my mind around it. With change comes liberation! If you can liberate yourself slowly from each and every thing that you do not do for the glory of God – words cannot describe the absolute joy and freedom you feel from that choice. Make no mistake – it is painful! It is difficult beyond words! God can move mountains, do you believe He can change one small thing at a time that will make your life that much more fulfilling each and every day, thereby bringing glory to Him? The easy answer is YES!

In 15 days it will be my mother’s 12^th anniversary of leaving her earthly body and joining the Lord. My loss, my father’s loss (they had been married 41 years on her 57^th birthday, which was only 3 weeks prior – they were literally childhood sweethearts), my brother’s loss was profound. To look back at who and where I was, it saddens me to the core. How I wish I had a relationship with Christ at that point in my life. I believed in Him, no doubt about that. But there is a distinct difference between believing in and having a relationship with Jesus. My prayer for you is that you begin a lifelong journey in discovering Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior. He is real, He is a part of you, He is within you. He loves you. He will not let you down like people have. He will not abandon you like people have. He loves you so much that He died for you.

Here is Psalm 42. I’ll put it up in three different versions, The Message, Amplified, and NIV (New International Version). The Psalms were written primarily by King David. David was a man after God’s own heart. He also sinned against God. What is most beautiful about the bible is the stories of all of the people that were damaged beyond words, but loved by God – those called are usually not equipped. God equips them, thereby showing YOU how much more you can do with Him than without Him. God’s blessings on your day ♥

Psalm 42:1-11 (MSG)

 

“^1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks
from the creek;
I want to drink God,
deep draughts of God.
I’m thirsty for God-alive.
I wonder, “Will I ever make it—
arrive and drink in God’s presence?”
I’m on a diet of tears—
tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
All day long
people knock at my door,
Pestering,
“Where is this God of yours?”

⁴ These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
right out in front,
Leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship,
Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
celebrating, all of us, God’s feast!

⁵ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.

^6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God’s prayer.

^9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
“Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?”
They’re out for the kill, these
tormentors with their obscenities,
Taunting day after day,
“Where is this God of yours?”

¹¹ Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.”

Psalm 42:1-11 (AMP)

“¹ As the hart pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.

² My inner self thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?

³ My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?

⁴ These things I [earnestly] remember and pour myself out within me: how I went slowly before the throng and led them in procession to the house of God [like a bandmaster before his band, timing the steps to the sound of music and the chant of song], with the voice of shouting and praise, a throng keeping festival.

⁵ Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.

⁶ O my God, my life is cast down upon me [and I find the burden more than I can bear]; therefore will I [earnestly] remember You from the land of the Jordan [River] and the [summits of Mount] Hermon, from the little mountain Mizar.

⁷ [Roaring] deep calls to [roaring] deep at the thunder of Your waterspouts; all Your breakers and Your rolling waves have gone over me.

⁸ Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I will say to God my Rock, Why have You forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

¹⁰ As with a sword [crushing] in my bones, my enemies taunt and reproach me, while they say continually to me, Where is your God?

¹¹ Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.”

Psalm 42:1-11 (NIV)

“¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.”