My babies <3
Today’s the first day of school for the boys and my husband is attending the Summit at church. It’s a quite uneventful day after an incredibly busy eventful summer. If I let it it could become maddening – anticlimactic, like when you’ve planned a big party, a holiday event, a wedding, there’s always the silence afterwards. However, I’m enjoying the quiet and I know the boys are loving school. Night and day from me – I loved learning, but I was the butt of so many jokes, jeers, and bullying that I wanted to stay home all of the time. I’m glad my boys are happy with and in school. I hope and pray that it remains that way.
I’m filling out paperwork that should have been completed for my youngest. I dropped the ball, and in all honesty, as you can plainly see, I am not filling it out now, either – I am typing. HELLO! I’ve been discombobulated as of late. Biting at the bit if you will. I want to get a job so badly that I can taste it. My youngest still needs me, well, really, they’ll both always need me – more when they’re older, I think – but it’s a good feeling, really, to be needed. I am just so tired of always being so broke. And I know it’s hard on my husband, too. I think it’s harder on a man. I’m holding down the fort, as it were, and I’ve been holding it down so darn long I feel like part of the foundation. I want work friends again. I want adult conversation. I want to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I want my family happy. It’s amazing, if you let it, how much money can control you. And you can’t change anyone else’s perception of it – you can only control (I am a freak, y’all know!) yourself. And even that is marginal at best.
My mind, emotions, heart are all over the place. Perhaps it’s just the change of year. Not seeing my friends of old this summer as I’d hoped to see them. I’d thought it would be easy peasy to take a trip home. And Christmas. Well, there’s no one but my dad to really go home to at Christmas time. And that’s always so darn painful anyway. I’ve been chatting with my mom’s childhood friend that lives in Florida and we’ve talked of getting together, possibly, for Christmas -- now it's selling that to dad! It would be nice to be around another woman that’s known me since I was in diapers. There’s a comfort there. Knowing a woman that knew your mother before marriage and all of the pains of life eroded your parent down. Perhaps that’s what’s bothering me. I see these posts about other women’s mothers and it just leaves me feeling unable to connect – my mom is dead. I believe oh so dearly in our Lord Jesus Christ and I love my Lord. But there are times, even with that strong connection, that I feel a disconnect from everything else. Having faith is believing without seeing, and I believe without seeing, yet I want that touch. That touch, that smile that laugh, that hug. I’m jonsing my mommy. I am missing my mommy so badly right now. Perhaps that’s the homesickness I’ve been feeling. It’s not so much “home” I’m missing, as the “heart” of my home. My heart’s been broken for so long, I’ve gotten used to not feeling at a deep level, and now that I am, I’m not liking it too much. It hurts.
Here’s a great bible verse that a friend of mine said is her favorite, and I love the Message translation, it is Psalms 86:11 “Train me, God, to walk straight; then I’ll follow Your true path. Put me together one heart and one mind; then, undivided I’ll worship in joyful fear. From the bottom of my heart I thank You, dear Lord; I’ve never kept secret what You’re up to. You’ve always been great towards me – what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster! God, these bullies have reared their heads! A gang of thugs is after me – and they don’t care a thing about You. But You, O God, are tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give Your servant the strength to go on, save Your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much You love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, as You, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet.” AMEN!!
This is the Lord I envision: He presents Himself in such a manner that you can understand Him. Be He a woman, a man, a child, black, white, Asian, Hispanic. No matter, he comes in the form that you can understand and open up to. Now, the devil can do this too. The way to test the truth is to really listen, to test them, to test what is good, what is right. If it is wrong, if it is perverted, it is Satan. If it is good, right, and does not harm you or anyone else, it is our Lord. Period. God does not hurt. Anyone that states otherwise is not in the word. Unfortunately having that little apple in the garden took care of all of that.
Well, I best wrap this up. I’ve had a good cry while writing it. Time to straighten the shoulders, lift the chin and stiff upper lip – the Lord is with me, and He is with you as well.
I’m filling out paperwork that should have been completed for my youngest. I dropped the ball, and in all honesty, as you can plainly see, I am not filling it out now, either – I am typing. HELLO! I’ve been discombobulated as of late. Biting at the bit if you will. I want to get a job so badly that I can taste it. My youngest still needs me, well, really, they’ll both always need me – more when they’re older, I think – but it’s a good feeling, really, to be needed. I am just so tired of always being so broke. And I know it’s hard on my husband, too. I think it’s harder on a man. I’m holding down the fort, as it were, and I’ve been holding it down so darn long I feel like part of the foundation. I want work friends again. I want adult conversation. I want to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I want my family happy. It’s amazing, if you let it, how much money can control you. And you can’t change anyone else’s perception of it – you can only control (I am a freak, y’all know!) yourself. And even that is marginal at best.
My mind, emotions, heart are all over the place. Perhaps it’s just the change of year. Not seeing my friends of old this summer as I’d hoped to see them. I’d thought it would be easy peasy to take a trip home. And Christmas. Well, there’s no one but my dad to really go home to at Christmas time. And that’s always so darn painful anyway. I’ve been chatting with my mom’s childhood friend that lives in Florida and we’ve talked of getting together, possibly, for Christmas -- now it's selling that to dad! It would be nice to be around another woman that’s known me since I was in diapers. There’s a comfort there. Knowing a woman that knew your mother before marriage and all of the pains of life eroded your parent down. Perhaps that’s what’s bothering me. I see these posts about other women’s mothers and it just leaves me feeling unable to connect – my mom is dead. I believe oh so dearly in our Lord Jesus Christ and I love my Lord. But there are times, even with that strong connection, that I feel a disconnect from everything else. Having faith is believing without seeing, and I believe without seeing, yet I want that touch. That touch, that smile that laugh, that hug. I’m jonsing my mommy. I am missing my mommy so badly right now. Perhaps that’s the homesickness I’ve been feeling. It’s not so much “home” I’m missing, as the “heart” of my home. My heart’s been broken for so long, I’ve gotten used to not feeling at a deep level, and now that I am, I’m not liking it too much. It hurts.
Here’s a great bible verse that a friend of mine said is her favorite, and I love the Message translation, it is Psalms 86:11 “Train me, God, to walk straight; then I’ll follow Your true path. Put me together one heart and one mind; then, undivided I’ll worship in joyful fear. From the bottom of my heart I thank You, dear Lord; I’ve never kept secret what You’re up to. You’ve always been great towards me – what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster! God, these bullies have reared their heads! A gang of thugs is after me – and they don’t care a thing about You. But You, O God, are tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give Your servant the strength to go on, save Your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much You love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, as You, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet.” AMEN!!
This is the Lord I envision: He presents Himself in such a manner that you can understand Him. Be He a woman, a man, a child, black, white, Asian, Hispanic. No matter, he comes in the form that you can understand and open up to. Now, the devil can do this too. The way to test the truth is to really listen, to test them, to test what is good, what is right. If it is wrong, if it is perverted, it is Satan. If it is good, right, and does not harm you or anyone else, it is our Lord. Period. God does not hurt. Anyone that states otherwise is not in the word. Unfortunately having that little apple in the garden took care of all of that.
Well, I best wrap this up. I’ve had a good cry while writing it. Time to straighten the shoulders, lift the chin and stiff upper lip – the Lord is with me, and He is with you as well.
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