There are a lot of ways to come out nowadays. And thank goodness for that. Though it almost seems cool to be "damaged," it's easier to be quiet, still, than it is to be loud.
I've always been quirky. I remember being silly, funny, loving, gentle, kind, and just so happy to be alive as a child. That was before an ugly thing happened (this blog entry is not about that, and I don't want to discuss that today). Because of that quirkiness I have also been a target for all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. Sometimes I didn't mind this, because I'm also one to absolutely adore laughter. No one teaches you how to handle when people are laughing at you, not with you. They just teach you how to be one of the crowd that is laughing at someone. Take a look at any of the reality shows out there. Bad behavior is more entertaining than Godly behavior.
Like everyone else on this planet (we have all had pain, shame, embarrassment, sadness, brokenness, loss, injury, etc.) I have had a series of injurious moments that I've done to myself. I've not protected myself well, and have opened myself up to the wrong people. The key element to this, and one I am still trying to practice (but seem to failing at it) is prayer. In all circumstances. I do pray, but sometimes I do not do it with a dedication with which it deserves. This injurious behavior has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.
As I've described in celebrate recovery, to friends, to my family - I feel like I've been white knuckling my life. Sometimes when I'm very busy I will feel like a tuning fork within my gut that spreads throughout my body. I use to welcome it because I would seriously get so much done when I had that feeling emulating throughout.
Then in October of 2015 I had a huge loss in my life. Not a physical death, but a death of relationship. I started to reel, my white knuckling was causing me to drive off of a cliff and I didn't know what to do, how to handle it - I could not for the life of me figure out how to get out of my slump. I'd gone through them time and time again. I'd always been the life of the party, always been the go to woman at any get together that involved friends from church because I was so "entertaining." But this time. This time was different.
As I sat with my doctor and began to cry, we got to the bottom of my history. All of it. Every yucky moment of it. Yes. I have always been depressed, it started to occur after that incident I'd mentioned as a child. It snowballed while I was an adolescent into my teenage years (one of the reason I have a heart for kids in middle school). After my mom died. And most evident to me after my second child, as I went into full blown postpartum depression. After three months I felt great, so my OBGYN took me off of my antidepressants. I didn't mind, as I did feel better. For a time. Then I learned how to white knuckle.
I am what is called manic depression, which today is referred to as Bipolar II. This is a great breakdown of Bipolar depression: http://culturedvultures.com/10-facts-bipolar-disorder-2/
"Steven Fry, as does Catherine Zeta Jones, Tom Fletcher of McFly fame, and Jean Claude Van Damme. All of these celebrities have spoken openly about living with the disorder; Fry spoke about it at length in his 2006 BBC documentary Secret Life Of A Manic Depressive."
One added help that I have yet to do is therapy. Mainly because therapy is incredibly expensive. It is a shame, isn't it, that something so fundamental is something out of reach. So I chat, I meet up with four dear friends nearly every week. We tether one another, and they all know my secret. And now, so do you. Secrets are exhausting, and they are something the devil wishes to continue. Hide away. You're not good enough, do not talk to people who think you're wonderful because then you'll start to think you're wonderful (hint, this is a person's thought process when the screw tape letters start to hamster run in one's head). One of my girl friend's who has dealt with this for a very long time told me to visualize a stop sign when the hate talk starts. Force myself into a stop, then walk, dance, do something that gets my mind thinking differently.
People, we are so much more than a diagnosis.
While on this topic, I did have a friend tell me that the reason I needed medication is because I did not have the Holy Spirit. I mentioned this at my last get together with my friends. Thank God for my friends! One looked at me, took my hands and said, "you tell anyone that says you do not need medication to take a hike. It is just like diabetes. Would you forgo your medication for diabetes because you didn't have the Holy Spirit? Of course not! Do not listen to such talk."
This journey continues, and I will share as I go. I hope you all have a blessed weekend, and a wonderful, beautiful day.
Angeline
No comments:
Post a Comment