First, I've hit a wonderful stride in my exercise, and have come to understand I must stick with it. Not to allow more than three days to go by without exercising. My body remembers, and because I'm being gentle with myself not only physically, but psychologically, I'm seeing great change. 100+ pounds in 6 months is no small feat, and my mind must catch up - to which I have done intense work in that area of my life.
Any habit, hang up, or hurt has a long history. The history that we believe is at the core may different than the actual history that exists. As a for instance, I assumed (wrongly) that my weight problem was as simple as me being unable to lose weight due to lack of will. My will is iron. I've learned that. The basis of my eating was the love I received on a plate from my mother. Food was love. Food was joy, Food was celebration. Food was sadness. Food was life itself. It was everything. Because the only time there was love, there was food. Understanding that will help me in my journey, I will never have to lose 100 pounds again, if I remember the steps I took to get here - to say goodbye to the little girl that so wanted approval, who wanted to be accepted, who wanted unconditional love from her parents.
My parents did the best they knew how to do with what they were taught, and with what they had at their disposal. They were very broken people, and during the 50s, 60s, 70s asking for help was unheard of. They did alright considering what they had dealt with. Giving them grace is my gift to myself, because inevitably my children will have difficulties, and I'm sure that I'll be at the root of those hurts, habits, and hang ups. It's cyclical - as much as things change they stay the same. Hence the longevity of Celebrate Recovery. We take our children with us for two main reasons, the number one is pretty obvious, we don't want to leave them home alone. The second reason is we want them to know there is a place to go when they have found themselves hurt, with a habit, or have developed a hang up. The people that take them for the evening give a teaching on the lesson we, the adults, are learning. It's very valuable at such a young age. Life is difficult enough to not have a place to go that is safe, and where you learn you are not alone.
One thing I would like to address, concerning a safe place to go, is this: One cannot attend Celebrate Recovery (CR) believing it is the end all to your problems. There are hurt, sick, redeeming seeking people there, as there is in every single church you will attend. Look at it as a spiritual hospital. You wouldn't walk into a Doctor's waiting room hoping to find a healthy person to kiss. You cannot go into a church believing you'll find the saved - they are not there. Do not look to a person to fill that gap in your soul, in your heart, or to show you the way - only Christ Jesus can do that for you. CR is a wonderful place to go to learn the steps, to learn how to speak to Christ, to find accountability partners, to find a sponsor, to find people who are further down the healing path than you are. But, please understand - hurt people hurt people, as blaze blah as that may sound, it is so very true. Do not come to Celebrate Recovery looking for recovery within another human being - YOU WILL NOT FIND IT THERE. You will only find it within your and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Being the "funny girl" was not who I wanted to be, it was what I thought would save me from being the butt of many jokes. If I poked fun at myself, or came into a room as the silly clown, no one could hurt or make fun of me, because I beat them to the punch. It's not a healthy way to live. I am learning how to not smile when I cry - because I can be sad. It just doesn't last long. The smile was my way of telling everyone, "don't you worry about me! I won't be a problem for you. I promise, this is a passing allergic reaction - it's not tears! I'm just stuffy!" No. That's not healthy at all.
Now, as a grown woman that has learned her worth, it's not very welcome in my family for me to ask not to be made the butt of jokes. I understand it is their way of showing love. But, it hurts. And it embarrasses me. I should not feel badly for asking to be shown respect, and love in a way that is clear that it is love - not love with a slap in the face. But love. Joy. Peace. Letting my guard down, knowing my heart won't break after a visit.
I have hope, and faith, that this will not be the norm in the years to come. It takes time to change. I understand that, because it took time for me to change towards myself. It takes time to change a behavior one has exhibited for years, and years, and years. And to which one believed showed love, only to find out it did not, it hurt. I know this is difficult. I am in such a good place, that I know it will change. Whether by presentation, or an understanding that it will not be revisited.
With that being said. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! It is the first holiday season I have enjoyed in over 13 years! I had a friend a few door's down that facilitated a shift in my mind. She and I no longer speak because, ironically enough, her eldest, who is in 4th grade, a year older than Robert, was calling Robert fat, chubby, and saying things to Robert, such as 'you should walk more because you're so chubby.' The last straw was a wonderful Friday two weeks prior to Christmas. We had played tag after school. And we'd played tag with our dog Molly, it was one of the best afternoons we'd ever had. At the end of it, I wanted some time to myself to listen to music and to walk home. I'd asked this gal if she wouldn't mind driving Robert home. To which her son said, 'Robert, I think you should walk because you're so chubby.' That was the last straw. I wanted to walk alone, Robert didn't ask for a ride, I'd asked for the ride. And because she never corrected him, enough was enough. In trying to "fix" it, the relationship became irrepairable. That made me immensely sad. But I wasn't willing to allow Robert to continue to force himself to spend time with someone that wouldn't leave him alone concerning something that Robert was working very hard on. Robert is 9 years old. He is 5'4" 149 pounds. He has lost over 40 pounds. He is doing very, very well. I want him to remember he is worth it - lowering oneself to another's standards because they have a problem is not living - it is putting oneself into the Lion's Den time and time again. It is very unhealthy. I surely hope he remembers it that way. I hope he knows what a good boy he is.
In this I held strong to the poem a reason, a season, a lifetime. God brought her into my life for a reason. And that was to enjoy the holidays that held a pall due to my mother's passing. But, my goodness, my mother passed away 13 years ago! I wanted to feel joy, I wanted to show happiness to my children, but I didn't know where to begin - how to let go and let God. This gal helped in ways that only a God hug can. And for that, I will never harbor ill will towards the situation. It is what it is. I am stronger for it. Robert knows mama will back him up, and even walk away from a friend to protect him. That's an important lesson for a child to witness.
We as human beings can be funky creatures, in that we want the pat on the back from someone insignificant in our lives. While those that are there every step of the way can sometimes be over looked. It's understanding that we must place God first, above family, above love, above husband, above wife, above ourselves - if we place Jesus Christ first, He will lead the way. It's the remembering to let go, let God that can be difficult, because we know best, right? No. Not at all. That is an illusion.
Food for thought! Have a blessed day, all. Below are some pictures of myself, my latest "skinny" picture, my grandmothers and great aunt, my uncle Jimmy. Love well. You won't regret it.
The face is, "Take the picture!" LOL :D
A picture my father posted. The top left is my Aunt Thelma, Lord I loved her. She was the kindest, sweetest, softest spoken person I ever knew. Robert looks quite a bit like her, and has her demeanor. Grandma is on the right, I didn't know her well. Great Grandma is on the bottom, she died 6 weeks before I was born. The saddest thing concerning the not knowing was I grew up 8 miles away from my grandmother. In the same vein, when you don't know you're missing something it is not missed. I don't know what I missed in not having a relationship with her, except for the stories I hear from others concerning their relationships with their grandparents. If you've a relationship with a grandparent, be glad. Some of us do not know that kind of joy. An attitude of gratitude will get you through some of the darkest moments in your life.
My Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jan. My brother, Sean, is on the left, I am in the front. I am approximately 5 years old here. I loved Uncle Jimmy, he was gregarious, funny, a strong family man. Aunt Jan, whom I love, sent this photo along with others to me over the holidays. My mom was adopted, very little is known of her side of the family. What is ironic is I knew very little of my father's side of the family, though the history is long and rich. We in America need to do better than this, due to our "go get it" ideology our families are fractured. I hope we rectify that.
Yes, an attitude of gratitude!
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