PHEW!

What have you been up to? How has the new year at school been going for you and your children? Are they enjoying their new school year? Their new teacher? I hope so! It’s so important that not only our children grow intellectually, but that they enjoy it while they learn.

I, too, am learning. I am in a creative writing class that is offered through our church. I’ve only attended one class, but I’ve completed my first assignment. And, that is a great sign for me – if I like something I’ll stay in it strong, doing the work that needs to be done.

I am involved with another church where some of my most enriching friends attend, and we are studying Beth Moore’s Goodbye Insecurity. So far so good. I still have some work to do for next Wednesday’s course, but the beginning of the week is always so busy and a whirlwind that I like to try to get all of my work done by Friday.

Sunday’s is church, Mike usually plays the trumpet in the Chapel, and I attend in the main auditorium, we’re the very definition of He’s a little bit country, she’s a little bit rockin’ roll! (:

Sunday evening’s Mike is studying the Bethel Bible series, which is an intense study of the Old Testament and the New Testament, one in one year, the other next year, a solid 2 year commitment.

I am attending the women’s Celebrate Recovery step study on Sunday evenings. This is going to be difficult but fulfilling. The largest part of my recovery is regaining that wonderful outlook on life I have always had. I lost some of that God inspired happiness. I have always been a very happy female, but life can sometimes kick you around, which everyone understands. What CR has done for me is made me realize, first, I am not alone. Second, what happened happened, do not ignore it, yet do not let it create a stagnant environment within your life and soul. I am stronger than what happened, and the Lord is not only with me, but He is within me – if he’s with me, then who can be against me? Hello McFly! (:

I’ve also become brave and filled out an application for a scholarship… we’ll see. I am hoping. I am so excited at the prospect.

“God's readiness to give and forgive is now public. Salvation's available for everyone! We're being shown how to turn our backs on a godless, indulgent life, and how to take on a God-filled, God-honoring life. This new life is starting right now, and is whetting our appetites for the glorious day when our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, appears. He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.”
Titus 2:11-14 (MSG)

Have a wonderful day and weekend, God’s Blessings wherever you may go! (:

Boy Scout Popcorn!

Would you like some Cub Scout popcorn? http://www.trails-end.com/estore/home_alt.jsp;jsessionid=B8EB18CDEEA29E7B1CC0A9E605C52657?_requestid=307233

Dennis’ Scout ID: 15758442
Robert’s Scout ID: 15758622

They’ll show up as Dennis L. and Robert L. Thank you for considering it! (:

Exercising with God on a stationary bike

About the only person, besides my brother and father, that can substantiate any of what I say or do is my friend Pauleen. We've known one another since Kindergarten. She is in the photos above with me and the boys, and my husband and eldest little man. She was my matron of honor at my wedding, and has been a constant sounding board. I know she thinks that I help her more than she helps me, but I think it's pretty even :)

This blog started as a weight loss blog, what it has become is God saying clearly, “Deal with the junk in your head before you deal with the junk in your trunk.” Granted, that’s more along the lines of what I would say, opposed to what I think God would say, but He meets us where we are. Hence the cool sense of humor, He knows and loves me in spite of me, and He wants the best for me.

The last two weeks since the boys return to school, I’ve been working out at the clubhouse facility; I am, for lack of a better term, kicking my own butt! I have been riding the stationary for 2 to 2.7 miles every day, the program runs itself and that level 14 is a killer!!! :)

I digress. I’ve been sitting in God’s word the last few weeks. When I think of my boys, I think of God. I thank Him for bringing them into my life, despite the morning’s rush and the probable yelling that occurred getting to school on time. I thank Him for the journey I am taking with them. I am truly blessed to have those little men in my life. I thank you God for my babies.

When I think of my husband, Michael, I think of God. I thank Him for bringing a man into my life that has been by my side for some of the most dreadful things we’ve had to face, that I was given a gift of a husband that has stuck through with a perseverance that I respect and that leaves me in awe at most times. I am truly blessed to have married my best friend, and to have someone to hold me when the day’s gone right or wrong. And to have someone to laugh with. To cry with. I am truly blessed to have a wonderful man beside me, even when he makes me want to pull my hair out or roll my eyes! :)~

When I think of my Mom, I think of God, she was His baby too, and no matter what might have occurred behind closed doors, I know that she loved me and that she did the best she knew how to do at that time. When I think of my mom, I thank God for giving me a woman that survived one traumatic event after another her entire life. And she did it with style! She lived one hundred years in her short fifty-seven, and she taught me, though harshly, she taught me what she knew so that, hopefully I wouldn’t walk down that same path. I thank God for my mom, and He knows that I miss her dearly. When I thank Him, He hugs her for me and she smiles, because she is truly free, I am her baby, and the love I have for my children is exactly what she feels for me. I am truly blessed to be loved so fully. I thank God for this all consuming love.

When I think of my dad, I always smile :D He is a good, kind, funny man that is incredibly strong, we are too much alike, and when we clash that is usually why, because we are too much alike. So when I say he is a good, kind, funny, strong man, why don’t I always see those same qualities in myself? Good question, huh? Yeah. It’s easier to point to someone else and say that’s what I want, that’s who I want to be, that’s how I want to live, that’s how I want to look. On and on and on. So, I promised myself and God that I would start looking in – I would sit with Christ all day long, every time I thought of those that mean the most to me, I would think of Him. He is a wondrous loving God that wants us to think of Him, to remember Him when we remember those we love because He was the One that initially taught us to love in the first place.

There are different translations of the bible. Until I understand something, I mean really get to the meat of a subject, I am not comfortable just following the status quo. No matter the area of life, politics, world views, economics, religion, child rearing – I cannot just follow as if I am part of a herd – now I know that might seem against what Christ was, the lamb who will come back as the lion, our shepherd. What I mean is I will not be led without testing something first. And testing it fully, mulling it over, tasting it, feeling it – until I do that I cannot just say, oh OK, cool. So here is Psalms 119:105, for the translations I used via www.BibleGateway.com:

New International Version:
”Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.”

The Message Version:
“By your words I can see where I'm going;

they throw a beam of light on my dark path.

I've committed myself and I'll never turn back from living by your righteous order.

Everything's falling apart on me, God;

put me together again with your Word.

Festoon me with your finest sayings, God;

teach me your holy rules.

My life is as close as my own hands, but I don't forget what you have revealed.

The wicked do their best to throw me off track,

but I don't swerve an inch from your course.

I inherited your book on living; it's mine forever—

what a gift!

And how happy it makes me!

I concentrate on doing exactly what you say—

I always have and always will.”

I love studying the different translations, trying to get to the meat of the word. Sometimes, when I text them my friends think I’m speaking in tongues, because as you can see, The Message translation can be, at times a bit longer!

Anyway, I’ve got to get to work on my coupons and box tops, emailing the parents in 5th grade – I’ve become my eldest’s room mom, and I’m teaching Sunday School – WOW!! I’m really enjoying this time, there are times my heart vibrates, I’m so excited and nervous at the same time, but I am truly enjoying the learning process, being a part of something, being a part of a group.

I had a major AHA! Moment at Celebrate Recovery last night. That I will share next time.

God’s Blessings on your day! Until next time, here’s to the rest of the journey… (lifting my coffee cup!)

What do you say when someone passes away?

What do you say when someone’s passed away? What words of comfort can you extend to those left behind? There’s no set script to follow. However, what I can tell you is this; talk about the person that’s passed away. Tell funny stories, and talk about the laughter, the good memories. The times that that person made a difference in your life. Something you took away from a conversation with them.

The most painful thing that happens after someone passes away is it seems as though that person just disappears, they had no bearing in this world, and any good, anything lasting no longer exists, no longer matters. And they did matter. If for a moment, they mattered. And it is so very painful when people, because they don’t know what to say, say nothing at all.

The reason I bring this up is one of my mom’s friends from high school recently passed away. This woman lost her eldest daughter at the age of 18 due to an eating disorder. I attended high school with her daughter, she was absolutely lovely, and she won many modeling contests. But even she beat herself up, wouldn’t eat, would binge, and take laxatives. She hurt herself so badly, and all for weight. For looks. For things that are so fleeting. And the first thought I had when I heard that my mom’s friend passed away was she’s with her eldest baby now, her daughter is loving on her. That’s what I chose to see in my mind’s eye. My mom and dad lost three children during their marriage. And that was the second thing I’d thought of, when I started to change my thought process concerning my mom’s passing. The first was she’s running! She’s leaping! She’s in a “body” like none that she had available to her here on earth. Because she was wheelchair bound. So she’s running with her babies, and she’s laughing.

When someone passes away don’t turn away, feel the emotion, face it head on. Laugh with the one it affects most. Share a remembered story. Talk about that person. No one talks about my mom. She existed, and she mattered.

The First Day Of School Brings Memories Along With It...

My babies <3

Today’s the first day of school for the boys and my husband is attending the Summit at church. It’s a quite uneventful day after an incredibly busy eventful summer. If I let it it could become maddening – anticlimactic, like when you’ve planned a big party, a holiday event, a wedding, there’s always the silence afterwards. However, I’m enjoying the quiet and I know the boys are loving school. Night and day from me – I loved learning, but I was the butt of so many jokes, jeers, and bullying that I wanted to stay home all of the time. I’m glad my boys are happy with and in school. I hope and pray that it remains that way.

I’m filling out paperwork that should have been completed for my youngest. I dropped the ball, and in all honesty, as you can plainly see, I am not filling it out now, either – I am typing. HELLO! I’ve been discombobulated as of late. Biting at the bit if you will. I want to get a job so badly that I can taste it. My youngest still needs me, well, really, they’ll both always need me – more when they’re older, I think – but it’s a good feeling, really, to be needed. I am just so tired of always being so broke. And I know it’s hard on my husband, too. I think it’s harder on a man. I’m holding down the fort, as it were, and I’ve been holding it down so darn long I feel like part of the foundation. I want work friends again. I want adult conversation. I want to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. And I want my family happy. It’s amazing, if you let it, how much money can control you. And you can’t change anyone else’s perception of it – you can only control (I am a freak, y’all know!) yourself. And even that is marginal at best.

My mind, emotions, heart are all over the place. Perhaps it’s just the change of year. Not seeing my friends of old this summer as I’d hoped to see them. I’d thought it would be easy peasy to take a trip home. And Christmas. Well, there’s no one but my dad to really go home to at Christmas time. And that’s always so darn painful anyway. I’ve been chatting with my mom’s childhood friend that lives in Florida and we’ve talked of getting together, possibly, for Christmas -- now it's selling that to dad! It would be nice to be around another woman that’s known me since I was in diapers. There’s a comfort there. Knowing a woman that knew your mother before marriage and all of the pains of life eroded your parent down. Perhaps that’s what’s bothering me. I see these posts about other women’s mothers and it just leaves me feeling unable to connect – my mom is dead. I believe oh so dearly in our Lord Jesus Christ and I love my Lord. But there are times, even with that strong connection, that I feel a disconnect from everything else. Having faith is believing without seeing, and I believe without seeing, yet I want that touch. That touch, that smile that laugh, that hug. I’m jonsing my mommy. I am missing my mommy so badly right now. Perhaps that’s the homesickness I’ve been feeling. It’s not so much “home” I’m missing, as the “heart” of my home. My heart’s been broken for so long, I’ve gotten used to not feeling at a deep level, and now that I am, I’m not liking it too much. It hurts.

Here’s a great bible verse that a friend of mine said is her favorite, and I love the Message translation, it is Psalms 86:11 “Train me, God, to walk straight; then I’ll follow Your true path. Put me together one heart and one mind; then, undivided I’ll worship in joyful fear. From the bottom of my heart I thank You, dear Lord; I’ve never kept secret what You’re up to. You’ve always been great towards me – what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster! God, these bullies have reared their heads! A gang of thugs is after me – and they don’t care a thing about You. But You, O God, are tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never quit. So look me in the eye and show kindness, give Your servant the strength to go on, save Your dear, dear child! Make a show of how much You love me so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed, as You, God, gently and powerfully put me back on my feet.” AMEN!!

This is the Lord I envision: He presents Himself in such a manner that you can understand Him. Be He a woman, a man, a child, black, white, Asian, Hispanic. No matter, he comes in the form that you can understand and open up to. Now, the devil can do this too. The way to test the truth is to really listen, to test them, to test what is good, what is right. If it is wrong, if it is perverted, it is Satan. If it is good, right, and does not harm you or anyone else, it is our Lord. Period. God does not hurt. Anyone that states otherwise is not in the word. Unfortunately having that little apple in the garden took care of all of that.

Well, I best wrap this up. I’ve had a good cry while writing it. Time to straighten the shoulders, lift the chin and stiff upper lip – the Lord is with me, and He is with you as well.

Bible Verses, more fulfilling than you think.

I have a bible study that I attend for Made To Crave. It is refreshing to study something I am so intimately in touch with, something I’ve craved since I was a baby. Food. But, like most addictions that we face, no matter what that addiction is, the underlying cause is more significant than the actual addiction itself. Mine was a culmination of “things” and “events” that I’d buried and dealt with only by eating them into oblivion. Facing these “things” and “events” is incredibly painful, and incredibly freeing. And it is ongoing.

The ladies I attend this bible study with stated, when I’d said I was having a particularly hard time, we should send a bible verse to one another every single day. I received a couple, but like most things, I’ve learned not to expect more than the cursory. And, frankly, that’s what I got. But, here’s the really cool part – because it’s not about them, it is about me – in continuing to send the bible verses, whatever I’m feeling is what I’m going to work on through God, with God, and alongside God. Quite often I’ll receive a text or message back stating how much that verse helped someone. Now, really, how cool is that? I am quite done with the poor me; nobody takes the time because I’m not worth the time BS. I am worth the time and I am worth the effort. I’m a darn fine woman that is a darn fine mother and a darn fine wife, darn it! (giggle ;) false bravado!) And it’s about time I start to realize that through God’s word. His word has fed me where food could never reach, my soul.

So today is catch up on emails day, as I was out of commission last week. I had a horrible UTI (haven’t had one of those in 20 years!), a sinus infection and my monthly. I was laid flat out with a headache that was absolutely debilitating and a body that was fighting so hard to get rid of the infection that I was barely able to move. My husband has this wonderful boss that allowed him to work from home, while I recouped in bed for 4 days, Mike took care of our little guy (our other little guy was at One Of A Kind VBS for church), and basically was Mr. Mom for a week(ish). I think he is very happy to be back at work today! I kept up my bible verses that week. It would sometimes take me hours on my phone to find a verse, study it, study me, retype it, send it to myself, and then prepare it for those I share it with. It would take me hours because I’d think on it, fall asleep with the phone beside me, wake up, and start over. It was so humbling. To just be present in His word and nothing else.

What I’m learning is this, God is enough, so why aren’t we enough? If we are made in His image, why aren’t we enough? The Lord our God sent His only begotten Son to die for our sins. He, Jesus, chose to die for our sins, and we are forgiven. The way to everlasting life is through Him, and since He already died for us, then why aren’t we enough? It’s like a demented Red Rover, I know, but it’s a valid question, isn’t it? Why aren’t you enough? God loves you, He sent His son, Jesus, to die for you, why aren’t you enough? Meditate on that for a bit, find a bible passage every day. I use Jesus Daily, and also use a couple of free apps on my phone: Daily Verses and Your Version (bible) app. Remember to dig deeply within yourself every day. Every day the Lord just wants your love, nothing more. Just your love, because you are enough.

God’s Blessings my friends ♥

Summer!

Summer.

What a time. Wonderful is something we hope for. And wonderful is what this summer has been for the boys, Mike, and I.

The boys and I have spent nearly every day at the Home Owners Association Pool, HOA for those, like me, that are new to this sort of life. It’s supposed to be a group of people that want the same things out of life. And, I find that is true, yet, what does happen more often than not, is we as human beings become self centered and think only of, and worry only for, our own. And that is understandable, really, when you think about it, when you take a good look at what you do, who you are, what you think of, it is usually your own, your family.

What I am trying to change is thinking more about my own family. I was raised that one was to think of others first, then themselves. Here is an example; there was a big to-do about the pool opening at noon on Sundays. You would have thought that someone had dropped a dooky in the pool for all the noise being made about it. People, which I know if I sat with them would be the loveliest people around, were bringing religion into it, stating not everyone does this, not everyone does that. My statement was simple. America has become too politically correct. Rules are set in place for a reason. Some would argue to be broken. But aren’t they broken enough? Don’t we pay a huge price for the broken rules? When does accountability and transparency come back into play? We’ve all become entirely too politically correct. Some things are not OK, and yet we say if it doesn’t affect us, our home, our family, how is it hurting anyone? But it does hurt, doesn’t it? When rules are broken, people, our family, gets hurt.

So, this summer has been FA-BU-LOUS!!! :) I am the mom that I wanted my mom to be. I am there, always. I am on the sidelines in case my boys need me. My mom was uncomfortable in her own skin, as I am also quite aware of my own discomfort, but I’ll be damned if that holds me back from being with my boys every step of the way, no matter the pain of it. My husband and I chose and planned our boys’ births and prayed that they’d be happy, whole, and fulfilled. More fulfilled than we were.

When I was a young woman, I paid rent to parents, and I was told at the age 10 this would occur, so it was not a shock to me. Prior to my graduation from high school, because I turned 18 in February and graduated in June, I started to pay rent while still in school. ($150 a month while in school, $400 while out and attending Harper College) A portion of it would be placed off to the side for me as a down payment to a house, whatever I chose that money to go towards. When I moved out, met and married my husband a year and a half later, there was no money. I wasn’t surprised, not really. I was disappointed, sure. But not surprised. I don’t want to let my kids down that way. To outright lie to them and use their money for anything other than what I say I will use it for. Now, here’s the other side of that same coin; because of that I am the responsible woman you know and love today because of that lesson. What can seem horrible on the surface may very well be the one thing that saves your ass at the end of the day. And, in my case, it is how I am used to living, which is something I am learning I can change. I want to change. My husband and I deserve better out of this life. We simply must chose different, to focus on our family and ourselves for a change, and not worry so much about everyone else. Everything else will fall into place...

I’m off to get my boys at VBS, then swimming, of course! I thank you for taking this journey in life with me. I’d love to hear about your journey too.

God Blessings on your day!

Angeline

Mother's Day, The Honor Bestowed Upon Us

Another Mother’s Day is upon us. When Sean, my brother, and I were children, we really did up this holiday. We’d make horrible breakfasts, sticky art projects, and ashtrays that looked like dried cow pies (giggle!) :) I’d wondered why it was never made a national holiday with school… but that was wishful thinking for a day to sleep in!

My mom always thanked us over and over again. And, having learned to live without her, as many do learn though they don’t want this particular lesson, I’ve worked through so many issues concerning everything. And the most significant lesson I’ve learned recently is that my mom probably hated Mother’s Day, too.

Mom was adopted, and for all intents and purposes that would be the end of the story. It usually is for most people. However, mom was found by her brothers Albert and James. They were in Chicago and mom was in Fox River Grove. It’s not a pretty story, which so many of us have; suffice it to say that my mom yearned for a mother her entire life. And when I say yearn, I mean with every fiber of her being she yearned for a mom. So, Mother’s Day, I’m pretty sure now was not my mom's favorite holiday. Though my mom had her faults (don't we all?), my brother and I were pretty darn lucky to have her. She was tough, but she was fair, she was mean at times, but she always explained why later. Having had a mother that loved me, I really cannot imagine what it was like for my mom, having had her mother walk out on her when she was 4 years old, then being adopted only to be abused until she married my father at 16 years of age. I cannot imagine. Uncle Jimmy filled some of the gaps in mom's family history. But he could only do so much. He did once tell mom that she looked just like her biological mother. She never spoke of it again.

Which brings me to Mother’s Day isn’t really for mothers. Not really. It’s for our children to have one day when they can say I Love You, Mom, without embarrassment because all of their friends have to say it too. Be it a father standing by shaking a finger and mouthing, “Say it!” Or if they have a teacher forcing them to make a Mother’s Day present. Mother’s Day is the one day that children, father’s, sister-in-laws, mother-in-laws, daughter-in-laws, aunts, etc., can say, hey, this job you’ve chosen is really difficult, and by the grace of God you’re surviving it, and you’re looking pretty darn good doing it, too! We appreciate you, we love you, and we want to rejuvenate you because in 365 days we’ll celebrate you again! :D

The other aspect of celebrating a holiday such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent’s Day (I think Hallmark made most of them up to rack up sales – but that’s a different discussion for a different day!) is for those that no longer have a Mother, Father, Grandparent to celebrate, what do you do? Borrow from a friend? I’ve had women in my life, thank God, that have been all of the above at one time or another. The one thing that is the coolest about God is that He gives you exactly what you need when you need it. And now you’re rolling your eyes because you didn’t want this, and you didn’t ask for that. But didn’t this or that bring you here? Didn’t this or that teach you something that you otherwise would have never known? Didn’t the one thing you never asked for but got give you something so remarkable that you wouldn’t have been able to learn it any other way? I always tell my boys when they grumble, “They call it Growing Pains for a reason, sweetheart. Want me to add something to what I’ve already asked of you?” Makes me wonder, when we grumble, does God cross His arms, raise an eyebrow, and say to our souls, “Want more? I got a whole lot of whoop-a$$ I could give you about now, child.”

In ending this, because my goodness I’ve lost an hour because I love to write, and I always work something out within myself while I share with whomever might read my blog; here’s the words to a song by Celine Dion. For those of you who have lost your mother, your grandmother, whoever raised you, listen to the song via YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4I3TxyYDcSw) . Find a place where you can be alone, and take Kleenex with you. It is a wonderful song that puts in ways that I could only hope to.

God's Blessings to you, may He walk with you, and more importantly, may you walk with Him.

Angeline

“Goodbye’s The Saddest Word”

Mamma
You gave life to me
Turned a baby into a lady

And mamma
All you had to offer
Was a promise of a lifetime of love

Now I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's
Love for her child

And I know
Love so complete
Someday must leave
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

Mamma
You gave love to me
Turned a young one into a woman

And mamma
All I ever needed
Was a guarantee of you loving me

'Cause I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's
Love for her child

And it hurts so
That something so strong
Someday'll be gone
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

But the love you given me will always live

You'll always be there every time I fall
You are to me the greatest love of all
You take my weakness and you make me strong
And I will always love you Till forever comes

And when you need me
I'll be there for you always
I'll be there your whole life through
I'll be there please stop crying it’s me, mamma

I'll be your beacon through your darkest night
I'll be your wings that guide your broken heart
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm
And I will love you till forever comes

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

'Till we meet again...Until then...Goodbye......

~ Celine Dion ~

"Reason, Season, or Lifetime"

Do you remember the email that circulates now and again, “Reason, Season, or Lifetime”? I read it years ago, said the amount of oohs and ahhs that I thought appropriate to show whomever I was sitting with I thought it was a nice poem. However, like a song, a movie, a situation, we don’t really get it until we’ve been seasoned enough TO get it. And, I’m been marinating for a time, people! (Please hear this with a strong southern accent and much hand movement, as it is intended!)

I have been so very blessed. I had lunch with a new friend today that was the beginning of phenomenal. I am in a season of growth that is almost beyond explanation. Like all of us, I have a story, and instead of weeping over it, I want to rejoice with you, because it is a wondrously, strife ridden road that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. It brought me here. It brought me to the people I’m meeting now.

Initially I was furious! I didn’t want this change. I was just finding my sea legs, for lack of a better word, in Illinois with awesome friends that I had the honor of getting to know in bible study. But then, in my mind’s eye, God ripped me away from them, and brought my family to “Middle Tennessee.”

Oh boy, how I didn’t know what He was doing!! It’s like preparing for a holiday in your home and everyone that you’d hoped would come to your home arrived, and not only did they arrive, they arrived with open arms, open hearts, smiles, joy, and fulfilling stories to share with everyone gathered around the table.

You’re invited to my table, friends. Every last one of you is invited to walk the next leg of this journey with me. It’ll have pot holes, and there’ll be rain, hail, wind, but it is GOING TO BE FUN! And it is going to be worth it.

God Bless you, may you have a wonderful week ahead of you!

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.When you figure out which one it is,you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.They have come to assist you through a difficulty;to provide you with guidance and support;to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.They may seem like a Godsend, and they are.They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done.They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~ Unknown ~

What happened to March?...!

Between friends visiting from Chicago, my boys having spring break, IEPs, bible studies, Celebrate Recovery... I've forgotten to keep up on my blog. In one aspect that is wonderful, because it means I'm out there living life. On the other, I want a running tally of my journey... My journey as a mom. My journey as an attendant of Celebrate Recovery and how it is changing my life in so many ways! My journey in the bible and how the bible is affecting my parenting, my friendships, how it clarifies issues and makes me wonder, think, work conflicts out. I've learned some conflicts just are, there is no fixing them or making them go away. They just are... they just are.... My journey in simply growing up. So, this post will be very short, however, it is meaningful. I had a breakthrough in CR the other evening, and though it sounds simple, sometimes the simplest of steps are the most painful to take. This breakthrough was that I have chosen to be overweight because I do not want men looking at me with anything but "Gosh, she's smart!" kind of look. I am incredibly uncomfortable with men looking at me when I start to lose weight. I am comfortable being overweight because I can control who is looking at me, and more importantly, what they are thinking when they're looking at me. This is huge! My husband, God bless him, says to me, after I told him I was very frightened of becoming an attractive slim woman, "honey, you scare the you-know-what out of me! If anyone were to try to hurt you, you'd kill 'em!" And that is the second part of the recovery, becoming aware that I am no longer a little girl. I am a grown woman that knows her own mind and heart. So here's to becoming slimmer, here's to becoming aware that I can handle myself, here's to becoming healthier and happier within my own body without feeding the panic that hits when a man finds me attractive.... then, I'm sure, Mike might take offense to that himself! :) Have a blessed day, everyone! ♥ 1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray Continually."

I’ve been up and down like nobody’s business for a bit over a week. I’ve had the honor of meeting people that have put into perspective just how hard I’ve been on myself. In less than three years Mike and I have lost our home of eleven years to short sale, the home both of our boys were born in, the home we'd loved and cherished, gutted, painted, cried in, laughed in, lost my mom in, lost one child to miscarriage, the home we'd lived in. It was all gone. It was as if we'd lost a family member, but no one showed up for the funeral, and there's no headstone to visit and put flowers on.

We'd given away all of our possessions because we had nowhere to put them, and through this horribly sad experience we wanted to help someone else. We found out later some disturbing news, however you cannot, as Christians, blame God for someone's behavior. God gave us free will. With that free will bad things can happen. It is not God at the helm; it is free will and our inability to act like Christians while hiding behind the word Christian. Just another learning curve. That one I really had to pray on, I had to sit on that prayer for a very, very long time. God knows. He knows, and He knows what our intentions were.

We then moved in with my dad, helping each other, dad with his loneliness since mom passed, and dad helping us with a reasonable rent that helped Mike, the boys, and I nurse our wounded hearts. We claimed a chapter 13 bankruptcy, try as we might, we couldn't recover from the financial disaster that had us pinned to the wall.

We were on welfare for six months and I learned a newfound humility and respect for those that have to rely on welfare. Mike got a wonderful job with benefits in Chicago, and after he had to take two weeks off to nurse me back onto my feet after a hernia operation, they let him go with a small severance package. Feelings of guilt? You bet. I wondered if my incessant prayers would annoy God.

That same day, the very same day, Mike had an interview for a new job with the same title, same pay in a city eight hours away from everyone that walked that journey I just shared with you. Our feelings of embarrassment, well, there are no words for it. Our feelings of shame? Our feelings of failure? Our feelings of anxiety? They were all immense, and paralyzing. You name, we felt it. And God walked each and every step with us. Sometimes, when you're going through something very painful you cannot see God until it is over and behind you. I was very angry with God, initially. We've dealt with layoffs before; we've dealt with death, with losing things, with bad people. Why did we have to lose so very much? Because He knows better than we do. That's why. He knew how far from Him we'd grown. He knew how far away from prayer we were. And, though it hurt so very badly, He knew what we needed, much better than we did, anyway.

Yes. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. We learned how to walk with, and listen to God. I’m still learning as a matter of fact. I think I’ll always go on learning how to listen to our Lord, at least I hope so. How boring would it be if we had Christianity pegged? The easy bit is treating others as you yourself wish to be treated. The hard bit is treating others the way you yourself wish to be treated!! Because of exactly what I wrote about how hard I’ve been on myself. It’s a learning curve. And like any learning curve, it’s painful. Guess whomever called it growing pains knew what they were saying!

Now, I know I’m pretty much all over the board today. I am excited, mostly because with every step I take there is a new flower, a new pathway, a new person I have the honor of meeting, even if they’re a bear of a person, I’ve had the honor of meeting them. Life’s not been kind to a lot of us. The great thing is we’re all learning as we go. And hopefully, part of that lesson is how to treat others the way we ourselves wish to be treated. At the end of the day, isn’t it learning how to treat ourselves well thereby treating others with a gentler hand?

My last entry was about Celebrate Recovery. I started the eating group yesterday, whatever hang-up, habit, obsession one has with food, this celebrate recovery group is the place to find support. And strangely enough, this has never happened to me, I smelled an Italian Beef sandwich. It was absolutely overwhelming, and I was holding on with both hands screaming to God in my mind to please help me. I wanted a sandwich so very badly, yet I wasn't truly hungry. All of my new found friends are praying for me. And being the last to speak last night, the very moment I stated that I was absolutely overwhelmed, where in the heck was that Italian Beef? The smell was gone! It evaporated!! I don’t think anyone can get this unless they’ve experienced it. The bottom line was I told Satan to take a running leap, and God placed His boot up Satan’s bottom!! Man, I just love the Lord, how He has our backs even when we desert Him time and time again. He’s there like the abused parent who keeps showing up to love their child that has disowned them. He is always there letting us know how much He loves us, no matter what.

I want to apologize for my zealous newfound love for God, yet I cannot. My walk with God has been so very personal; yet, I cannot keep the good word from whoever might read this, whomever might be searching. God is with you always. Always He is with you. Test Him. Yes, I know, that sounds rude and inappropriate, but the bible itself tells you to test Him. Not in a rude disrespectful way, but say to Him, Lord, I’m a bit lost right now. You know what’s going on with me right now. You know what’s going on with my family and friends. Please give me some peace, fill my heart and soul with fulfillment, and give me joy through the pain. Help me to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself today. I know, Lord, that I’ll probably come to you fifty times today with the same request, please help me, I need You. I need You like I’ve never needed you before. Please, help me.

God is good all the time, All the time, God is good. Thank you, "blonde" Lori, for letting me use this.

God’s Blessings to you today. I’ll pray for you. Please pray that I lick this emotional eating. I know I’ll fight this for the rest of my life, but today, I need prayers that I lick this. Just today. Then tomorrow we’ll start over with more prayers. One day at a time.

Keep It Simple Silly!

I am now 42 years old! And I feel 16, so what’s up with that? :D

I’ve not written in my blog because I’ve been preoccupied with what is going on in the world. I don’t know about you, but I am frightened and excited by what is going on in Libya. Is there anyone else that remembers the Carter years? Does anyone see the similarities? The royal wedding… Princess Diana’s and Prince Charles’ first born is getting married and he is marrying during a time of great turmoil, as it was when Di and Charles wed. I don’t think their marriage will have the same caveats as Di and Charles… at least we can hope that they would have learned from past indiscretions. As if I know them!

What I mean by this is how ironically strange it is that as much as things change they stay the same. There will be a time of great prosperity. It’s just this time I’m wondering if this is the end of times, whatever that might encompass. I also don’t want to go through my life like Chicken Little. That is not the way to live. And what is really neat is that it doesn’t seem to be affecting my sons, and I don’t really want it to. I know I was aware at their age, but I wasn’t frightened at their age, and I don’t want them to be either.

So here’s what’s been going on as of late. Mike and I joined People’s Church in Franklin, Tennessee. It is awesome and a sister church of Willow Creek in South Barrington, Illinois that we loved as well, and our best friends are members of, as well as the husband is an employee of. It is huge; however, it is such a wonderful family oriented church that we just love it. The boys have an awesome teacher, and they see him twice a week for several hours.

At People’s Church we have also joined Celebrate Recovery (http://www.celebraterecovery.com.au/). I was molested as a child, and have issues with control, perfectionism, and I am an emotional eater. When we were introduced to this program in the Discovery class I thought, naw, that’s not me, because it is a twelve step program like AA. However, this particular program is for those that have had any issue that’s impeded their ability to live a full life. And I thought, Oh Lord, that’s me. We’ve attended three times. I am so incredibly excited at the prospect of feeling good about myself. Who is Angie? Who is Angie past the pain that has enabled my over eating for years? We’ve all got an issue, no matter how big or small, and in my mind’s eye my problems were pretty small and insignificant. But you see when we do that to our selves we make ourselves insignificant. I own my hang-ups, and I cannot wait to hang them up and walk away. And I am also frightened at how painful this process is going to be.

I hope that y’all are having an awesome season in your lives! Remember one thing; if you’re walking a painful walk right now, you’re not alone. Tomorrow is a new day, it may be just as painful, but it is another day. Give yourself, your problems, your worries, your hang-ups to God, hand them over and find time to speak to Him. He wants to spend time with you. He adores you, and awaits the time that you reach out to Him. Allow Him into your day, and I guarantee, it won’t change instantly, but your day will, gradually get brighter, gradually get lighter, and will gradually become more beautiful with every breath you take.

Two verses I’d written Tuesday morning for a bible study were Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” I keep trying to memorize a passage that speaks to me, and I really have a hard time with that. I don’t know why! I do love Psalm 46:1, it’s easy, it’s to the point, and it gives me hope and peace. As I’d explained to the ladies that I sit with at this bible study (A Woman After God’s Own Heart by Elizabeth George), and as they also agreed with and expounded on, our Lord is a personable Lord. He speaks to us the only way we can hear Him, in plain speak that we, each and every one of us, can personally understand. My Lord says to me, “Duh! You just got that? I’ve been saying that for centuries, and you just got that?! Dude, cool!” (mental high five and a peace sign :D) Now, I understand that this may insult some; however, the bottom line of it all is I believe in the Lord, He is my Father. As we change how we handle each of our earthly children, He handles us with how He knows we’ll get Him.

God Bless you, you are worth it, and I love that you might take the chance to speak to your Father today… so what’s stopping you? Mute the TV, put the computer on sleep mode, and take five minutes to say hello to Him. KISS. Keep It Simple Silly! I've decided to change that last word. Do you know what it was? The word was Stupid. The first time I heard this saying I thought it was awesome. But as of just the last few days I've realized that I was perpetuating a bad habit, I was calling myself, and anyone I shared this saying with, stupid. No more! ♥

For The First Time, It's About Me...

In reading different blogs and columns, I’ve noticed that instead of showing humor in one’s life, some try to embarrass another. In writing a blog, particularly my blog, I’m trying to weed through feelings and thoughts to get to the meat of an issue, to get to the bottom of me. In my mid-twenties it was “cool” to be one of the damaged – to have had a horrible childhood – “oh I was so abused!” Yet, in looking back, my parents were tough on me, no doubt, yet, I’ve gotta tell ya, they did me a huge favor. I can survive in this world where everyone seems to feel better if they hurt the one that is standing next to them. In America we are so sheltered. Yes, there is abuse, my mom was abused by her adoptive parents, my father was abused by being neglected and ignored. We all have a story. But in America we haven’t a clue what someone else goes through in another country, let alone our own. I’ve decided it is time to stop the poor me train, fire the conductor, and hand the tracks over to someone who really needs to get somewhere. I’m a good, sweet, strong, kind, God-fearing woman that has had some hard knocks. I chose to look up from here on out, I chose to see the good, instead of always looking at the bad. I chose Jesus Christ over all else, and I thank the Lord for sending His Son in my stead. And if this offends, or makes anyone uncomfortable, then look up, perhaps you’ll start to see what’s affecting (or infecting!?) me! ♥

Romans 10:9-10 “…because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.”

Which brings me to my previous blog concerning what happened with my mom’s voice mail message, I’d inadvertently caused my cousin to tell me that I was wrong about how I felt when my mom’s voice mail was erased. Here’s the thing for anyone reading a blog, to tell the writer they’re wrong about their feelings is the very definition of wrong. It was what I felt when my mother’s voice mail was erased. It happened, it is over, as I’d also stated, when I hear my voice in a voice mail to my husband, I hear my mom, because we had the same voice. And, in speaking with my father after the fact about my blog, and what had occurred, he only verified that fact, because sometimes it is hard for my dad to talk to me, he also hears my mom’s voice. The lovely thing about me is anger leaves me almost as quickly as it occurs, forgiveness is golden, and I love to receive it as much as I like to give it. It was over – it was done. And I refuse to walk down the path of anger with this person. The voice mail not only helped me while we had it, it gave my father solace to call and “talk” to my mom because they’d known one another their entire lives – my mother was my dad’s friend, lover, wife, mother of his children, his barometer to read a situation, she was my dad’s everything -they’d been married 41 years, after having known one another from the time she was 12 and he was 17, and they’d married on my mom’s sixteenth birthday. To write to me and say how wrong I was for my feelings just solidifies how selfish and narrow minded we can become when we make it about ourselves and not what it was intended to be – about someone else. For once in her life it was about me, and it was a profound witness to recognize that losing something so important was alright, it was all OK. This person made it clear that I was right, and sometimes doing the right thing is not the popular thing. It is the same as not being liked by your children, sometimes your children will hate you, but one day they’ll get it, and that is when the wait will have been worth it. And the wait was worth it. I thank my cousin for doing this for me. Because I forgave her within hours of this happening, I’d written what was the point of broaching this topic with her, to what end? I’ll see my mom again, she’s with me, within me, I see her in my children, and I see her in me. She’s not dead; she’d been promoted and is waiting for her family to join her. Subject closed!

Isaiah 43:25-26 "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Review the past for me, let us argue the matter together; state the case for your innocence."

When we moved, I’d decided that the boys would not have televisions or games in their rooms. They would have their toy chest, but nothing electronic. And when we got here after a ten hour drive from Chicago, we found that my husband had installed cable in not only the living room, but also in all three bedrooms upstairs. To say that I nearly decided to be lazy and let it go is an understatement! How I wanted to let this slide and say, 'ah what the heck, we’ll have quiet time now and again.' But that’s not the point. Being a mommy, I’ve figured out after some trial and error, it is not about me, it’s about them. And, I tell ya, there are days that I so wish I could just stomp my feet and say it’s about me, it’s about me!! Alas, after some procrastination, huffing and puffing, and then downright threatening we removed and returned the cable boxes in the two other bedrooms. It’s been nearly 2 solid months and the boys have been sleeping through the night, and even going so far as to get up at 6 am by themselves (YES! By themselves!) to get dressed, eat, and have themselves ready for school. Saturday mornings are a bit tougher, because Mike and I would love to sleep in, but what we try to do is say how lovely it is to have a full Saturday together as a family – please note I stated we try to say that! ;)

Hebrews 6 “Then you would never be lazy. You would be following the example of those who had faith and were patient until God kept his promise to them."

Who else has children that love zombies? What is it about zombies? Zombieland is one of my family’s favorite movies. And believe you me, I see the conflict with mentioning this alongside a blog that professes my love for Jesus Christ – yet there’s got to be another parent out there with this going on in their home! As of late, the last couple of weeks, I’ve cut the boys off of playstation, because Call Of Duty, or COD as it is called, has levels with zombies in it. We first tried a couple of times a week, but being children they not only argued with one another constantly, they abused the time given to them, whining when I asked that it be turned off. Now, we’re designating playstation for Saturdays, in one hour increments. This past Saturday the weather was unbelievably awesome - I could not justify their staying in doors to play playstation while we’d waited for this kind of weather. We have a rainbow swing set, as does nearly every neighbor on our block. I am happy to say that our boys were outside nearly all day using their swing set, and that they were the only children outdoors doing so! This, I know will be a constant negotiation. In raising our children, the one thing I wanted to change was to make them more accountable for their outcome – if they are not treated with respect, how will they show respect to others?

2 Kings 2:23-24 “From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.”

I’m trying to clear the noise from my head, I’ve got some bible studying to do for a study tomorrow; A Woman After God’s Own Heart by Elizabeth George. Wednesday’s I’m also in a bible study Stepping Up: A Journey Through the Psalms of Ascent by Beth Moore. There’s a request Beth makes that was difficult for me. She asks that we all, for the next six weeks, lie face down on the floor and say whatever comes to mind as we speak to God. She said to keep it simple, as she usually says to God, I love you, I adore you, thank you for loving me, please forgive me for my sins, and help me through my day. I realized, after doing this a few times, what my hang up was. I was lowering myself, placing my face to the ground. As girls, particularly in America, our mother’s demand that we stand tall, that we are not subordinate to anyone. We are not to accept the status quo, we were to wear the pants and make a name for ourselves. I like being a girl, and I particularly like being a girl that asks her husband for help. How dare I! I am setting the woman’s movement back by a century! But, I’m working on it, allowing myself to realize that Christ died for me, lowering my face to the ground is the very least I can do for Him, and His gift to me. I felt silly lying face down, hoping no one in our home would walk in on me. The only one that did, that first day, was our cat, Jazzman, she walked up and down my back. So, I not only honored my Lord, but I got a back rub to boot! Dennis did walk in on me Saturday morning and wondered what was going on, so I explained to him what I was doing, and asked that he give me a couple of minutes, once I was done, I’d call him back in. We chatted about it a bit, and that was that. If, and Lord, I pray that this if becomes a definite, if I am able to give my children the tools to honor God, to honor the gift that Jesus Christ gave to all of us, then I’d have done something so right.

2 Chronicles 7:3 “When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the Lord above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the Lord, saying, ‘He is good; His love endures forever.’“

I’ve been teased by friends, because my children and I talk about death, it is inevitable that one day they will bury mom and dad. We do laugh uproariously sometimes because Mike and I will then ask that they wait until we are dead! And yes, this is gruesome, and it is dark, but it needs to be spoken of, wishes, hopes, dreams, fears, they need to be aired. If children cannot discuss it with their parents, who can they discuss it with? I do not want my children to grieve beyond missing our voices; I do not want them to lose precious time wishing something had been different. I want them to live their lives to the fullest, to use this wondrous life as the adventure it was meant to be. Walking with Christ is but icing on the cake!

Psalm 30:5 "weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Read all of Psalm 30, it is a wonderful Psalm :)

God’s Blessings to everyone today that may read this. Have a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Remember, boys, that most girls love the small gestures. Just remembering with a rose, a card, a nice dinner, that is more than enough, it is that we meant enough to you that means so very much. We will stand beside you forever if you remember to treat us with love; we will then respect the man that you are ♥

1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us."

Am I Martha or Mary? Why can't I be Esther?

This week I’ve had similar messages repeated a few times. The two that stand out the most are the Martha and Mary story and the Lord asking that I see His face during the day. The Martha and Mary story is pivotal for every woman. The bottom line of it is this: Martha heard that Jesus would be visiting and she went to work in the kitchen preparing a feast for all that would be there. Mary sat at Jesus’ feet listening to Him preach. Martha was peeved and approached Jesus and asked that He ask Mary to get up and help her, there was a lot to do and she felt that Mary was leaving her to do all of the work. Jesus then told Martha that Mary was doing the right thing.

Now, the first thought that goes through my mind is who will prepare the feast then? And does that mean slacking off is alright? And how so? I grew up that hard work was awarded. Not necessarily with anything significant save for the paycheck that I made, and the ability to pay my way, having a bit left over for something fun. That was why we worked, to pave our way in this world. But then what occurred to me was this; it’s not necessarily that he’s telling Martha to be a slacker, or that he’s saying that we should slack off on doing a job that needs to be done. He’s saying that when you feel something of importance is being spoken to you, sit, listen, and take it all in.

Actually hearing the sermon at church can be difficult. There’s so much white noise going on in our heads. How will I pay that bill this paycheck? Is my dad OK with the snow storm? Are the kids alright, are they doing well in school? My husband lied to me again about something really insignificant, but when is it that he’ll lie to me about something really important? When is enough enough, and how do I convey that without sounding horrible? How do I tell the one I love the most I do not trust him? How do I get through this? The noise is really loud, and sometimes it is hard to hear that the Lord just wants me to trust Him. He is there through it all. Just give Him my worries. So I strive every single day to be Mary. To put my worries down and sit at His feet.

Seeing His face is also difficult because there is a lot of ugliness in this world. Seems most days it is the devils stomping grounds, and it is difficult to filter all of that, trying to see God’s face in it all. However, what I have been trying to do is this: I find a bright spot in the midst of wherever I might be. In traffic it is usually a song that I cling to because I am a NASCAR race car driver that has not been discovered yet, and no one else knows how to drive!

While trying to teach my children what to do, such as putting their clothes away properly, I remember how I was as a child, and how in twenty years time they’ll be very responsible men and I need to soak every single moment I have with them (even the annoying ones!) up with my eyes, my ears, my hands, my arms (with hugs) and with my words. Kind words are easy when you’re calm. Not so much when you’re irritated at having to say the same thing over and over and over again. They become like clanging gongs to our children. And the Lord knows I do not want to be a clanging gong, I want to be a lilting lullaby that my children flock to. I fear that I’m a lilting gong that my children often giggle at!

There are so many opportunities to see His face, but I get lazy and I use bad language and I lose my patience. I do not want to be lazy, and I do not want to use bad language. There’s really no need, and it really is quite ugly. Please pray for me that I use my inner filter and not use bad language, most especially around my children, but also because God gave me a beautiful life, please pray that I honor Him in this life with beautiful words. Thank you, I truly want to choose my words more wisely.

Today the boys are coming home early. We are expecting a snow storm, so school’s been let out early. It put a wrench in the works for some of the mom’s I’d been at bible study with. Bible study with women is an interesting thing. When I was younger I really didn’t see the point. I know that sounds awful! Though I grew up a Christian, I was not born loving Christ as I do today. I have walked a walk that I’m sure most of us have, there are some very dark moments, and there are some things that I would never want anyone to know, we all have something, at least one thing that we would be mortified for anyone else to know. And my walk with Christ has been a very long walk. We ladies chuckled about that today in bible study, we didn’t roll out of bed and say YAY! I Love Christ! No. It has been a painful journey.

Each of our journeys is personal. Most begin with a curiosity. Most have at least one experience of intense pain. Most have a moment of wondrous joy that is unexplainable, but if you were asked to explain it you’d simply smile, your eyes would become moist and you’d just shake your head and say “you’ll never understand, it’s just… it’s just He was there. He was there.” Yet all of us do get it, from one degree to another. And once you’ve had it you can never un-have it!

And that is where witnessing comes into play. That is when someone wants to broach the subject of God with you. It’s not religion. Religion is the human way of trying to explain God. Religion has done a lot of damage to God. We were all asked today what stops us from having a Hot Heart for Christ. Mine is the fear of appearing to be a fool. I no longer fear submission, Mike and I have had to submit so much that we thank Him for walking with us through it all. With that said, I am so very careful to not say that with pride, that we’ve submitted. Life is what it is. My fear of submission was subdued by the fact that I realized Christ was there through everything. But being viewed as a fool? I’ve been made a fool of, and though I smile through most things, it cuts to the quick. It is so painful. And, because I smile no one knows how hurt I am. I don’t want to be made a fool of in His name.

This week so many of my friends have opened their hearts, allowing me to see their sadness. Opening their old wounds to show what caused them the biggest heartache. It seems we’re all growing as of late. We’re all letting old wounds show because we want to be healed. We want to let that old pain go, to grow from it, and to become stronger from it. Sometimes we just want to understand ourselves better through the pain. To understand that we are not alone, every one of us has a pain that has eaten away at us. Little by little we’ll let the pain of the past go, through friendship, through love, but most importantly through the understanding that Christ walked the journey with you. We were not alone. When Christ walked the earth He knew pain, both emotional and physical. He took our sins upon Himself, He died for us that we may live. That we may live in His presence once our witnessing is done on this earthly plain. Life is so very good. And living it with you makes it that much sweeter! ♥

God Bless your day, and God Bless you!

A phenomenal friend

This is a friend's blog, and she is phenomenal. She gave me such words of wisdom and comfort when I left home, that they will be forever etched on my heart. I'm honored to have met her.

http://barefootmel.com/?p=146

Family Matters

The greatest thing about starting a new day is that it is indeed a new day.

I recently moved with my husband and two children during our Christmas break from school in 2010. I shouldn’t have been surprised; I’ve been begging God to give me an adventure. Be careful what you ask for! The boys are very happy, and like all parents I weigh my happiness by their happiness. If they are happy, then so am I.

I’ve moved one other time in my life, which was when I was single and transferred with the hotel I worked for to Colorado Springs. Colorado is absolutely breathtaking! But it is also very lonely when the stardust has left your eyes and you’re doing nothing but working, home, working, home, working, home. Everyone can attest to that – yet I couldn’t deal – I moved back to my hometown, and much to my mother’s credit (at the time I was furious!) she refused to let me move back into my old room. I think she knew I’d never leave if she allowed that to happen. Sometimes as moms we have horrible decisions to make. And sometimes those decisions are unexplainable and our children will hate us for a time. But our children will understand. They’ll get it. The hard part is we might never see the light dawn; you might already be gone from this earthly plain.

This move was out of the blue and completely unexpected, but much hoped for. I just wish I had my best friends in my luggage! I didn’t expect the abrupt unhappiness I felt. I was not prepared for how much I would miss my mom. She is now gone, she passed ten years ago a week before Thanksgiving when my eldest was four months of age. But I used to call the voice mail on my dad’s phone to listen to her. I’d wanted to record that message, but my cousin erased my mother's voice mail when she called the phone company to delete everything but the phone itself to help my father during an issue we were dealing with as a family. That is a long story, albeit my mother’s voice was erased and my cousin will never know what she did – sometimes I’ll catch a voice mail from myself to my husband and I hear my mom’s voice in my won. It’s soothing, but like an ice cream cone while on a diet, it merely makes me hungrier for my mom. A vicious cycle. I’ve thought of letting my cousin know, but to what end? And, no, she won’t read this blog. I’m not even on her radar; it’s been made pretty clear that I don’t qualify. I'm pretty sure she'd say something like "I was doing something to help your father." And yet, my husband was taking care of it, just not in the way other family members thought he should. Family... everyone gets that, you need but say one word... Family.

Only those who’ve lost a parent or the person that was most pivotal in their lives understands this pain. If you’ve ever almost drown, you know the physical hurt. If you’ve ever left home and said goodbye, you know the emotional. Now put the two together, but you can never see that person ever again, and you’ve got it. No emails. No Skype. No text. Nothing. Your memories are wonderful, but sometimes you can put that person on pedestal for a time, and then have them get knocked off of it for whatever reason. And add to that no one wants to speak of the dead. There are days I’ve wanted to scream because it is as if my mother never existed. Talk of someone’s life, they did live. And their life is not the day that they died. It is the life that they lived up until the moment they died. And that too is a wondrous blessing, most especially if you believe in Heaven, and I do. My mother is with our Lord, she is with her children that passed before she did, she is with all those that she mourned, and now she is waiting for me, for my father, for my children. And so on…

For those crying and shaking your head, utterly furious with me right now, thinking it is not that easy. No, it is not. It takes quite a bit of time. It took me eight years, a solid eight years to see the brightness of my life again. And, unfortunately I haven’t got a great story to share. It just happened. One day I realized that I was breathing again, not drowning. ‘I was missing my mom,’ but it wasn’t a yearning, needing, bleeding, I cannot live without you missing her, it was I’ll see you again, mom, missing. I know where you are. And I do know that it does get better. Just don’t stop living while you’re healing. Live for the one lost, and the one lost will go on living. Within you.

Sharing on a blog is something I’ve tried before, and haven’t followed through on. I’d like to change that. I’d like to change it for myself and for any readers that might read it. This move has brought to the forefront my mother because this move ripped from me some friends that I became very close to. I’d enmeshed myself with our church, with the boy’s school, with my boy’s friend’s mothers. It was all so comfortable and it was all mine, and I was happy with it all. But I also became complacent. Complacency is ugly if you realize it and continue on down your path with your basket in your hand skipping and fa-la-la-la-di-aaa along not really giving a darn who might be behind you having to deal with your off key singing. And believe you me, I sing off key! Though I believe that if Cher should need backup, I’m there! (I’m sure she won’t be calling! :D )

Now… my boys will be home soon, and as with the telephone there will be no blogging at that point in time. Write me. Tell me what’s up with you (angelineshappyplanet@gmail.com). What are you going through? Remember not a one of us is alone. It’s just sometimes we’re all in survival mode and that can become very selfish, our life preserver only holds one… we don’t want to share!