Am I Martha or Mary? Why can't I be Esther?

This week I’ve had similar messages repeated a few times. The two that stand out the most are the Martha and Mary story and the Lord asking that I see His face during the day. The Martha and Mary story is pivotal for every woman. The bottom line of it is this: Martha heard that Jesus would be visiting and she went to work in the kitchen preparing a feast for all that would be there. Mary sat at Jesus’ feet listening to Him preach. Martha was peeved and approached Jesus and asked that He ask Mary to get up and help her, there was a lot to do and she felt that Mary was leaving her to do all of the work. Jesus then told Martha that Mary was doing the right thing.

Now, the first thought that goes through my mind is who will prepare the feast then? And does that mean slacking off is alright? And how so? I grew up that hard work was awarded. Not necessarily with anything significant save for the paycheck that I made, and the ability to pay my way, having a bit left over for something fun. That was why we worked, to pave our way in this world. But then what occurred to me was this; it’s not necessarily that he’s telling Martha to be a slacker, or that he’s saying that we should slack off on doing a job that needs to be done. He’s saying that when you feel something of importance is being spoken to you, sit, listen, and take it all in.

Actually hearing the sermon at church can be difficult. There’s so much white noise going on in our heads. How will I pay that bill this paycheck? Is my dad OK with the snow storm? Are the kids alright, are they doing well in school? My husband lied to me again about something really insignificant, but when is it that he’ll lie to me about something really important? When is enough enough, and how do I convey that without sounding horrible? How do I tell the one I love the most I do not trust him? How do I get through this? The noise is really loud, and sometimes it is hard to hear that the Lord just wants me to trust Him. He is there through it all. Just give Him my worries. So I strive every single day to be Mary. To put my worries down and sit at His feet.

Seeing His face is also difficult because there is a lot of ugliness in this world. Seems most days it is the devils stomping grounds, and it is difficult to filter all of that, trying to see God’s face in it all. However, what I have been trying to do is this: I find a bright spot in the midst of wherever I might be. In traffic it is usually a song that I cling to because I am a NASCAR race car driver that has not been discovered yet, and no one else knows how to drive!

While trying to teach my children what to do, such as putting their clothes away properly, I remember how I was as a child, and how in twenty years time they’ll be very responsible men and I need to soak every single moment I have with them (even the annoying ones!) up with my eyes, my ears, my hands, my arms (with hugs) and with my words. Kind words are easy when you’re calm. Not so much when you’re irritated at having to say the same thing over and over and over again. They become like clanging gongs to our children. And the Lord knows I do not want to be a clanging gong, I want to be a lilting lullaby that my children flock to. I fear that I’m a lilting gong that my children often giggle at!

There are so many opportunities to see His face, but I get lazy and I use bad language and I lose my patience. I do not want to be lazy, and I do not want to use bad language. There’s really no need, and it really is quite ugly. Please pray for me that I use my inner filter and not use bad language, most especially around my children, but also because God gave me a beautiful life, please pray that I honor Him in this life with beautiful words. Thank you, I truly want to choose my words more wisely.

Today the boys are coming home early. We are expecting a snow storm, so school’s been let out early. It put a wrench in the works for some of the mom’s I’d been at bible study with. Bible study with women is an interesting thing. When I was younger I really didn’t see the point. I know that sounds awful! Though I grew up a Christian, I was not born loving Christ as I do today. I have walked a walk that I’m sure most of us have, there are some very dark moments, and there are some things that I would never want anyone to know, we all have something, at least one thing that we would be mortified for anyone else to know. And my walk with Christ has been a very long walk. We ladies chuckled about that today in bible study, we didn’t roll out of bed and say YAY! I Love Christ! No. It has been a painful journey.

Each of our journeys is personal. Most begin with a curiosity. Most have at least one experience of intense pain. Most have a moment of wondrous joy that is unexplainable, but if you were asked to explain it you’d simply smile, your eyes would become moist and you’d just shake your head and say “you’ll never understand, it’s just… it’s just He was there. He was there.” Yet all of us do get it, from one degree to another. And once you’ve had it you can never un-have it!

And that is where witnessing comes into play. That is when someone wants to broach the subject of God with you. It’s not religion. Religion is the human way of trying to explain God. Religion has done a lot of damage to God. We were all asked today what stops us from having a Hot Heart for Christ. Mine is the fear of appearing to be a fool. I no longer fear submission, Mike and I have had to submit so much that we thank Him for walking with us through it all. With that said, I am so very careful to not say that with pride, that we’ve submitted. Life is what it is. My fear of submission was subdued by the fact that I realized Christ was there through everything. But being viewed as a fool? I’ve been made a fool of, and though I smile through most things, it cuts to the quick. It is so painful. And, because I smile no one knows how hurt I am. I don’t want to be made a fool of in His name.

This week so many of my friends have opened their hearts, allowing me to see their sadness. Opening their old wounds to show what caused them the biggest heartache. It seems we’re all growing as of late. We’re all letting old wounds show because we want to be healed. We want to let that old pain go, to grow from it, and to become stronger from it. Sometimes we just want to understand ourselves better through the pain. To understand that we are not alone, every one of us has a pain that has eaten away at us. Little by little we’ll let the pain of the past go, through friendship, through love, but most importantly through the understanding that Christ walked the journey with you. We were not alone. When Christ walked the earth He knew pain, both emotional and physical. He took our sins upon Himself, He died for us that we may live. That we may live in His presence once our witnessing is done on this earthly plain. Life is so very good. And living it with you makes it that much sweeter! ♥

God Bless your day, and God Bless you!

Family Matters

The greatest thing about starting a new day is that it is indeed a new day.

I recently moved with my husband and two children during our Christmas break from school in 2010. I shouldn’t have been surprised; I’ve been begging God to give me an adventure. Be careful what you ask for! The boys are very happy, and like all parents I weigh my happiness by their happiness. If they are happy, then so am I.

I’ve moved one other time in my life, which was when I was single and transferred with the hotel I worked for to Colorado Springs. Colorado is absolutely breathtaking! But it is also very lonely when the stardust has left your eyes and you’re doing nothing but working, home, working, home, working, home. Everyone can attest to that – yet I couldn’t deal – I moved back to my hometown, and much to my mother’s credit (at the time I was furious!) she refused to let me move back into my old room. I think she knew I’d never leave if she allowed that to happen. Sometimes as moms we have horrible decisions to make. And sometimes those decisions are unexplainable and our children will hate us for a time. But our children will understand. They’ll get it. The hard part is we might never see the light dawn; you might already be gone from this earthly plain.

This move was out of the blue and completely unexpected, but much hoped for. I just wish I had my best friends in my luggage! I didn’t expect the abrupt unhappiness I felt. I was not prepared for how much I would miss my mom. She is now gone, she passed ten years ago a week before Thanksgiving when my eldest was four months of age. But I used to call the voice mail on my dad’s phone to listen to her. I’d wanted to record that message, but my cousin erased my mother's voice mail when she called the phone company to delete everything but the phone itself to help my father during an issue we were dealing with as a family. That is a long story, albeit my mother’s voice was erased and my cousin will never know what she did – sometimes I’ll catch a voice mail from myself to my husband and I hear my mom’s voice in my won. It’s soothing, but like an ice cream cone while on a diet, it merely makes me hungrier for my mom. A vicious cycle. I’ve thought of letting my cousin know, but to what end? And, no, she won’t read this blog. I’m not even on her radar; it’s been made pretty clear that I don’t qualify. I'm pretty sure she'd say something like "I was doing something to help your father." And yet, my husband was taking care of it, just not in the way other family members thought he should. Family... everyone gets that, you need but say one word... Family.

Only those who’ve lost a parent or the person that was most pivotal in their lives understands this pain. If you’ve ever almost drown, you know the physical hurt. If you’ve ever left home and said goodbye, you know the emotional. Now put the two together, but you can never see that person ever again, and you’ve got it. No emails. No Skype. No text. Nothing. Your memories are wonderful, but sometimes you can put that person on pedestal for a time, and then have them get knocked off of it for whatever reason. And add to that no one wants to speak of the dead. There are days I’ve wanted to scream because it is as if my mother never existed. Talk of someone’s life, they did live. And their life is not the day that they died. It is the life that they lived up until the moment they died. And that too is a wondrous blessing, most especially if you believe in Heaven, and I do. My mother is with our Lord, she is with her children that passed before she did, she is with all those that she mourned, and now she is waiting for me, for my father, for my children. And so on…

For those crying and shaking your head, utterly furious with me right now, thinking it is not that easy. No, it is not. It takes quite a bit of time. It took me eight years, a solid eight years to see the brightness of my life again. And, unfortunately I haven’t got a great story to share. It just happened. One day I realized that I was breathing again, not drowning. ‘I was missing my mom,’ but it wasn’t a yearning, needing, bleeding, I cannot live without you missing her, it was I’ll see you again, mom, missing. I know where you are. And I do know that it does get better. Just don’t stop living while you’re healing. Live for the one lost, and the one lost will go on living. Within you.

Sharing on a blog is something I’ve tried before, and haven’t followed through on. I’d like to change that. I’d like to change it for myself and for any readers that might read it. This move has brought to the forefront my mother because this move ripped from me some friends that I became very close to. I’d enmeshed myself with our church, with the boy’s school, with my boy’s friend’s mothers. It was all so comfortable and it was all mine, and I was happy with it all. But I also became complacent. Complacency is ugly if you realize it and continue on down your path with your basket in your hand skipping and fa-la-la-la-di-aaa along not really giving a darn who might be behind you having to deal with your off key singing. And believe you me, I sing off key! Though I believe that if Cher should need backup, I’m there! (I’m sure she won’t be calling! :D )

Now… my boys will be home soon, and as with the telephone there will be no blogging at that point in time. Write me. Tell me what’s up with you (angelineshappyplanet@gmail.com). What are you going through? Remember not a one of us is alone. It’s just sometimes we’re all in survival mode and that can become very selfish, our life preserver only holds one… we don’t want to share!