Nuttin’ special

Just popping in. Our sons are now 17 and 13 years of age. Our eldest is entering his senior year and turning 18 years of age. He’s a damn fine kid. I’d heard of teenage angst, we’ve had glimpses, but all in all he’s been even keel, kind, compassionate, strong, funny, personable. 

Our youngest is going through that difficult “if my head weren’t attached, it would fall off” phase. He literally forgets EVERYTHING! He’s also a sweet, sweet boy, he’s very compassionate, he knows when others hurt and he is right there to protect them. Middle school is very difficult for him. It’s difficult for me to stand by and watch. One more year, one more year and he’ll be in high school. I believe that’s where he’ll shine and blossom. That’s where Dennis came into his own.

Over the last 6 to 7 years I’ve lost 160 pounds. In my mind’s eye I must lose 50 more, people act shocked whenever I mention this, but I’m only getting older, my arthritis is flaring up, losing this extra weight will only help me. I had my left knee replaced on June 22, 2017, my left hip and right knee need replacing, too, again, weight loss will only help in recovery. Arthritis has flared in my thumbsand I wear thumb support braces to bed. I had carpal tunnel surgery on November 20, 2017. My boys find this exciting, “Mom!! You’ll be the terminator!” 😂 you must hear this in Arnold’s accent as this is the way it was said. 😉

Mike’s had weight loss surgery. He’s lost well over 75 pounds in 2 months. His back is hurting quite a bit, it’s the shift of weight. It’ll take time, he is very impatient! 

My dad is better now. He’s fought cancer twice, prostate 14 years ago, and bladder cancer in June of 2017. I was unable visit him during this time due to my knee replacement surgery, which was difficult, but necessary for my recovery. All is well, that’s the important thing.

Sean does Sean, he doesn’t communicate, but he’s happy, per my father, and that’s all that matters.

I’ll include family photos later.

Take care, and have a beautiful day!

How Refreshing! It was not me after all!







There are a lot of ways to come out nowadays. And thank goodness for that. Though it almost seems cool to be "damaged," it's easier to be quiet, still, than it is to be loud. 




I've always been quirky. I remember being silly, funny, loving, gentle, kind, and just so happy to be alive as a child. That was before an ugly thing happened (this blog entry is not about that, and I don't want to discuss that today). Because of that quirkiness I have also been a target for all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. Sometimes I didn't mind this, because I'm also one to absolutely adore laughter. No one teaches you how to handle when people are laughing at you, not with you. They just teach you how to be one of the crowd that is laughing at someone. Take a look at any of the reality shows out there. Bad behavior is more entertaining than Godly behavior.




Like everyone else on this planet (we have all had pain, shame, embarrassment, sadness, brokenness, loss, injury, etc.) I have had a series of injurious moments that I've done to myself. I've not protected myself well, and have opened myself up to the wrong people. The key element to this, and one I am still trying to practice (but seem to failing at it) is prayer. In all circumstances. I do pray, but sometimes I do not do it with a dedication with which it deserves. This injurious behavior has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.




As I've described in celebrate recovery, to friends, to my family - I feel like I've been white knuckling my life. Sometimes when I'm very busy I will feel like a tuning fork within my gut that spreads throughout my body. I use to welcome it because I would seriously get so much done when I had that feeling emulating throughout. 




Then in October of 2015 I had a huge loss in my life. Not a physical death, but a death of relationship. I started to reel, my white knuckling was causing me to drive off of a cliff and I didn't know what to do, how to handle it - I could not for the life of me figure out how to get out of my slump. I'd gone through them time and time again. I'd always been the life of the party, always been the go to woman at any get together that involved friends from church because I was so "entertaining." But this time. This time was different.

As I sat with my doctor and began to cry, we got to the bottom of my history. All of it. Every yucky moment of it. Yes. I have always been depressed, it started to occur after that incident I'd mentioned as a child. It snowballed while I was an adolescent into my teenage years (one of the reason I have a heart for kids in middle school). After my mom died. And most evident to me after my second child, as I went into full blown postpartum depression. After three months I felt great, so my OBGYN took me off of my antidepressants. I didn't mind, as I did feel better. For a time. Then I learned how to white knuckle.

I am what is called manic depression, which today is referred to as Bipolar II. This is a great breakdown of Bipolar depression: http://culturedvultures.com/10-facts-bipolar-disorder-2/

"Steven Fry, as does Catherine Zeta Jones, Tom Fletcher of McFly fame, and Jean Claude Van Damme. All of these celebrities have spoken openly about living with the disorder; Fry spoke about it at length in his 2006 BBC documentary Secret Life Of A Manic Depressive."

One added help that I have yet to do is therapy. Mainly because therapy is incredibly expensive. It is a shame, isn't it, that something so fundamental is something out of reach. So I chat, I meet up with four dear friends nearly every week. We tether one another, and they all know my secret. And now, so do you. Secrets are exhausting, and they are something the devil wishes to continue. Hide away. You're not good enough, do not talk to people who think you're wonderful because then you'll start to think you're wonderful (hint, this is a person's thought process when the screw tape letters start to hamster run in one's head). One of my girl friend's who has dealt with this for a very long time told me to visualize a stop sign when the hate talk starts. Force myself into a stop, then walk, dance, do something that gets my mind thinking differently.

People, we are so much more than a diagnosis. 

While on this topic, I did have a friend tell me that the reason I needed medication is because I did not have the Holy Spirit. I mentioned this at my last get together with my friends. Thank God for my friends! One looked at me, took my hands and said, "you tell anyone that says you do not need medication to take a hike. It is just like diabetes. Would you forgo your medication for diabetes because you didn't have the Holy Spirit? Of course not! Do not listen to such talk."

This journey continues, and I will share as I go. I hope you all have a blessed weekend, and a wonderful, beautiful day.

Angeline




The Movie "Inside Out," It's Not Just For Kids...

I had a picture here, it was the poster of Inside Out.... Gotta laugh out loud at the irony. They want advertising, work of mouth, etc., but you cannot use their poster, which millions have seen, on a post in your blog. Yeah. That makes perfect sense.

It's one of those days... what to do, what to watch... Don't want to spend any money... Watch a movie! Inside Out is on RedBox, and I had a coupon - nothing better. And, it occupies my eleven year old's day for at least an hour and a half.

Here's the thing; it's more than a kid's movie, it is absolutely worth it for us adults, too.

Sometimes life knocks you down, and as is life, sometimes it knocks you down several times before you're able to stand back up. Thereby making you believe that you'll never be able to stand up on your own again... that is fear, sadness, mixed into one ugly pile, not allowing you to stand back up.

Then there's anger. That can be intermingled with fear, making it seem that one is angry all of the time, but really that anger is masking fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of judgement, fear of falling and not being able to get back up. Because we've been there before, and we don't want to go back.

Anger is a great motivator if used wisely. It can make you get back up and strive for better. It can make you change what you're doing into something that you were meant to do all along!

Then disgust - if masked by fear will lead into racism, selfishness, isolation. Add in anger, and you've got a potent blend that is sure to alienate even the most loving of individuals.

Here's the main plot of the story; you MUST allow joy to be mingled, healthily with sadness. It is OK to be sad, but not to let the sadness mask your joy. Happiness is an emotion, joy is a lifestyle. Joy is knowing that you will be sad, letting the tears fall, but knowing that the sadness will not define you.

Add in fear, a healthy fear (MUST be healthy!) that remembers what did not work before. Anger to propel you through the "meh" of the journey at hand. 

All of our emotions are there to help us lead a more productive, fulfilling life. It's a matter of knowing when it is best to put down the anger, let go of the fear, bury the sadness, and always, OH BUT ALWAYS live in joy. 

Do a self check. Where do you stand? 

Saying Goodbye Is Sometimes A Choice...

There's a photo statement on Facebook that says:

"I don't care if you're going to tell everyone

about what I have done to you.

But please, just don't forget to tell them

about what you did to me."

This is a tough thing to do when you want to sway someone else's opinion toward your way of thinking, isn't it? Yet - to live morally we must try. And to look one self in the mirror with a feeling of having tried.

I live my life this way, because I've lived through being the one lied about - the truth has always come out - but the damage is done, isn't it?

What can be so detrimental to someone is the "who" behind the lie. The "who" that is suppose to rise above. The "who" can flatten you, the "who" can damage you.

How do you rise above, how do you begin the road to recovery?

First, and most importantly, start with telling yourself how grateful you are for "A,'" "B," and/or "C."

Find a place in your home, your car, your job, your mind, that you can go, and start to thank God, yourself, whomever or whatever you speak to when you're mulling over whatever it is that is holding you back. I start with this, and expound on it, and I do this every day, especially when the "I wish" statements start to needle me.

This was my self talk today, "This is such a beautiful neighborhood. We are so lucky. I am so grateful. We are in a beautiful neighborhood with lovely neighbors. We are in a wonderful country," (don't get snarky or sarcastic here and fill in the blank with whatever political affiliation you have, or what you've read that has ticked you off - this is a grateful moment, not a back pedaling moment! You are speaking gratefulness into your being, don't be an ass to yourself, there are plenty of people in your life more than willing to fill that job requirement, don't you do it to yourself.) "Look at this home, (we rent, so it has never been "my" home, but I do take some ownership, but because we're not allowed to change anything, I take ownership of the love and family we bring to the table) we are so blessed, I am so grateful. I am so grateful. Thank you so very much for all of the blessings that have been bestowed upon us, thank you for the trust you've placed in me, thank you for my family, thank you for all that I have been given. Help me to be worthy, and help me to always see how blessed I have been, and to always be grateful and aware of how blessed I, and my family, are."

I grew up in a small town in NW Illinois, because it is only 35 to 40 minutes from Chicago, we often say we are from Chicago - it's logistics, and honestly, at the end of the day, who gives a hoot, right? It is a very poor town enclosed by four other small towns that refer to my hometown as "scumville." It doesn't bother me, because it will always be home, and those that refer to it as such, well, you've shown your true colors, now haven't you?  No one, unless they truly care about you - and I mean care in the sense of if something happens to you it will mess up their life something fierce. Any other care, well, it's like caring about whether your favorite flavor of bagel is available at the supermarket. It's frustrating for a moment, but certainly not earth shattering. Sounds cynical, but let's stop thinking we're all that and a bag chips, shall we? Where we live now? My goodness, we might as well change the name of the town to Mayberry for as wonderfully, peacefully quaint it is! 

As to goodbyes. Sometimes they're planned, sometimes they are not. 

I'm in the midst of a few goodbyes, and I don't want to linger, because I am a lingerer (is that a word - if not, it is now!) During my mother's death, I lingered for years, literally losing time because I was so focused on my loss, rather than my gain - I had one son, and when he was 4 years old we had another son. Take my word for it, lingering holds you back, there is no pay off, there is no award at the end of the day - there is simply time lost, and it is not worth it. Please - take my word for this, I speak from a point of recovery, and now re-emerging to understand that "goodbye" is simply a part of life. 

I have see-sawed from peace and freedom, to "oh man, I wished I'd've done this, I wish I'd've said that, or said that - I wish, I wish, I wish." Wish in one hand and poop in the other, as my mother use to say, and see what fills up faster. Wishing is nothing but one running on a treadmill thinking they're going to end up in another place geographically - you are literally spinning your wheels. STOP THAT!

How do we say goodbye when they're not planned? The easy answer is to write, write, write. Not necessarily in a blog, but long hand - there is something about the physical part of writing. When you're angry, the anger comes out in the pen, happy, it comes through the pen - the pressure, the physicality of it is satisfying and helps you get the pain, anger, happiness, joy, sadness out.

I'm in the midst of a goodbye. Only my immediate family and two friends know what has happened. I wish to keep it this way, because what was once sacred will become food for fodder for others, and frankly, I am tired of being entertainment for others who I don't really know, and if I did, we probably wouldn't like one another anyway. It sounds harsh, but it is, at the end of the day, no less true.

Who have you got to say goodbye to? Is it an old version of yourself that is holding you back? Is it a parent that is long dead, or no longer in the picture? Is it an old love that you know that you know that you KNOW wouldn't have worked out anyway, but you've romanticized a future with? Whatever or whomever you've got to say goodbye to, start today, do not wait.

You've waited long enough, now, haven't you? 

Heart decisions sometimes hurt

We attend a church in Franklin, TN that was literally love at first site for our entire family. We plugged in quickly, the boys were at home, my husband and I were at home. We healed old wounds in Celebrate Recovery, and found more we had no clue existed. Our boys learned lessons in the struggles we faced, in the way a child would process it. We were a living, breathing embodiment of what church can do to change a family for the better. 

Then life happens.

Churches are, not only in America but I assume everywhere, big business. 

Family's like ours - my husband grew up Catholic, he says he has an advanced degree in guilt, I grew up Missouri Synod Lutheran, my husband calls it Catholic light - we had the bible beaten into our heads, but not our hearts. Churches like the one we have been attending for four and half years did both, they opened our eyes, our minds, our hearts to the meaning of a relationship with Jesus. Yes, avoid sin, but more importantly turn to Papa, Father-God, Jesus Christ.

Because of the changes that occurred (I've my own personal opinion that need not be posted, because it is personal and I've no intention of hurting anyone - I just need to voice my opinion, thoughts, heart-process as we go through this change) we are in the midst of possibly changing churches. One part of me screams not to, in teaching our children to hang on through tough times - be it marriage, changes in life, whatever - they must have parents that teach them how to hang on and not run away. Yet, at the same time it is so difficult to go through the doors of a place that no longer feels like home. A great speaker's a great speaker, but if there's no "essence" to it - just flash bang and comedy - what do we hold onto? 

I talked with my family today because I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm tired. My youngest said, with emphatic eyebrows raised, "Mommy, it's easy - talk to Jesus, He's there! And you can teach us!" 

I love it when my children make something so clear, because everything is jumbled right now. My faith is strong, but my faith in man is very low - we're suppose to love our neighbor as ourselves, we are created in His image - so what if I dislike man, do I then dislike God? The perpetual hamster on a wheel, wack-a-mole times a million. 

I'm also hurt because the bible is the written word, the living breathing word of God. Yet man created the bible. Man chose the books that went into the bible. I do not trust man, man is fallible, man makes mistakes, and man misleads for his own agenda. I do not trust man.

In trusting God, in listening to Jesus in my heart the answers are simple. Be more like Mary, sit down, listen, meditate with Him, pray to Him, do not be a part of this world, but be a part of Him, thereby being a light to others that feel as lost as I do.

Yeah, being an adult sucks sometimes. 

His Grace Is Sufficient. Living Simply.

Years ago when I first started CR (Celebrate Recovery) I started a step study (I have done the step study 3 times - as you work the program you learn a lot about yourself, and that each vice has its own set of circumstances and gunk to work through). I don't believe I'll ever be done with CR, and I don't want to be - it literally saved my life and helped me to get to know my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, so very well.

In a step study one of the steps is forgiveness. Some of these life experiences seem impossible to forgive - those that know me well, the girls I now try to love on in Velocity, a teenage ministry - where I know I started to feel my most worthless, and where I wanted to be because these young women need to know they are worth it, they are worthy, they are loved - know my story - know that if I can forgive, so can they, and so can you.

While walking this step, literally the first time I worked through forgiveness it took me a year to do so. It was intermingled, tangled, enmeshed, messy, and incredibly ugly. One night, around 3AM, I was awoken by "Read Romans 8." I thought, OK. I tried to go back to sleep, but kept hearing it. So I said, I promise I'll read it, but first, please let me sleep. I read it the next day, then tried to find a good way to describe it, quickly and concisely. What I found was almost too simple: God's grace is never ending.

Here's a bit more to help you: http://www.jcblog.net/romans/summary

"God's Amazing Story of Relentless Grace

The book of Roman is a masterfully written exposition on grace. This letter to the believers in Rome has changed the hearts of many as they read and understand the wonderful truths nestled inside. Paul wrote this letter to these Christians to explain his revelation of grace."

What was most difficult for me was forgiving one specific person that forever changed my life when I was 7 years old. I would sob, argue with God, not understand WHY should I forgive something so incredibly earth shatteringly disgusting. Finally, I came to understand, it wasn't for him, but for me to forgive - I needed to be freed from his hold. Not living my life to the fullest with Christ at the helm was a sin far worse than the sin originally committed - because I was giving my life to this person - I was giving him my all when I should give Jesus Christ my all. Plain and simple. But it wasn't simple, and it was incredibly painful. But I made it through to the other side, and I can tell you it is so worth it! God is waiting - He will not let you down. His grace is never ending.

Now, we come to today, and the vote for marriage equality. I'm personally confused by the anger. My husband brought up that people that stand by their faith - that marriage is between a man and a woman - may have their livelihood attacked. Such as a baker - if you're a baker and say that you believe in marriage between a man and a woman but not a same sex marriage - you may be sued. My take on that is this: We do not have the information about every single person we serve in this world. What about the man or woman purchasing a cake for their child, but every single night they may abuse this child, we are not privy to this knowledge. If we were privy to this - would Christians fight as wholly for this child as they would against a same sex marriage union? I don't know. I do know my personal experience is I was left to my own devices - church people included - God never left me - but Christians did. To me the abuse of a child is so much worse than a same sex marriage. At least they're living honestly. 

Hot issue debate, no doubt. 

Here's the reason for this - I again dreamt last night and God told me to read Timothy 3 and 4. Now, there's a 1 Timothy and a 2 Timothy. He didn't specify which. That's for me, and perhaps you, to decide. It depends on how you read it, I would assume. In reading it out loud, I thought it was 1 Timothy, my husband thought 2 Timothy.

I do know that at the end of the day, the bottom line is: Live honestly, live kindly, live with Christ at your side, live with Christ within you, Live as much without sin as you possibly can - live praying ALWAYS.

Here are the Timothies, they are in the form of the Message. I like the Message because it's to the point, it's plain language, it's modern day language - they don't pull any punches - they say it like I need to hear it.

God Bless Your Day - Remember, it was always between you and God anyway.

1 Timothy 3-4The Message (MSG)

Leadership in the Church

3 1-7 If anyone wants to provide leadership in the church, good! But there are preconditions: A leader must be well-thought-of, committed to his wife, cool and collected, accessible, and hospitable. He must know what he’s talking about, not be overfond of wine, not pushy but gentle, not thin-skinned, not money-hungry. He must handle his own affairs well, attentive to his own children and having their respect. For if someone is unable to handle his own affairs, how can he take care of God’s church? He must not be a new believer, lest the position go to his head and the Devil trip him up. Outsiders must think well of him, or else the Devil will figure out a way to lure him into his trap.

8-13 The same goes for those who want to be servants in the church: serious, not deceitful, not too free with the bottle, not in it for what they can get out of it. They must be reverent before the mystery of the faith, not using their position to try to run things. Let them prove themselves first. If they show they can do it, take them on. No exceptions are to be made for women—same qualifications: serious, dependable, not sharp-tongued, not overfond of wine. Servants in the church are to be committed to their spouses, attentive to their own children, and diligent in looking after their own affairs. Those who do this servant work will come to be highly respected, a real credit to this Jesus-faith.

14-16 I hope to visit you soon, but just in case I’m delayed, I’m writing this letter so you’ll know how things ought to go in God’s household, this God-alive church, bastion of truth. This Christian life is a great mystery, far exceeding our understanding, but some things are clear enough:

He appeared in a human body,
    was proved right by the invisible Spirit,
        was seen by angels.
He was proclaimed among all kinds of peoples,
    believed in all over the world,
        taken up into heavenly glory.

Teach with Your Life

4 1-5 The Spirit makes it clear that as time goes on, some are going to give up on the faith and chase after demonic illusions put forth by professional liars. These liars have lied so well and for so long that they’ve lost their capacity for truth. They will tell you not to get married. They’ll tell you not to eat this or that food—perfectly good food God created to be eaten heartily and with thanksgiving by believers who know better! Everything God created is good, and to be received with thanks. Nothing is to be sneered at and thrown out. God’s Word and our prayers make every item in creation holy.

6-10 You’ve been raised on the Message of the faith and have followed sound teaching. Now pass on this counsel to the followers of Jesus there, and you’ll be a good servant of Jesus. Stay clear of silly stories that get dressed up as religion. Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever. You can count on this. Take it to heart. This is why we’ve thrown ourselves into this venture so totally. We’re banking on the living God, Savior of all men and women, especially believers.

11-14 Get the word out. Teach all these things. And don’t let anyone put you down because you’re young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. Stay at your post reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. And that special gift of ministry you were given when the leaders of the church laid hands on you and prayed—keep that dusted off and in use.

15-16 Cultivate these things. Immerse yourself in them. The people will all see you mature right before their eyes! Keep a firm grasp on both your character and your teaching. Don’t be diverted. Just keep at it. Both you and those who hear you will experience salvation.

______________________________________________________________

2 Timothy 3-4The Message (MSG)

Difficult Times Ahead

3 1-5 Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people.

6-9 These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself “truth.” They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.

Keep the Message Alive

10-13 You’ve been a good apprentice to me, a part of my teaching, my manner of life, direction, faith, steadiness, love, patience, troubles, sufferings—suffering along with me in all the grief I had to put up with in Antioch, Iconium, and Lystra. And you also well know that God rescued me! Anyone who wants to live all out for Christ is in for a lot of trouble; there’s no getting around it. Unscrupulous con men will continue to exploit the faith. They’re as deceived as the people they lead astray. As long as they are out there, things can only get worse.

14-17 But don’t let it faze you. Stick with what you learned and believed, sure of the integrity of your teachers—why, you took in the sacred Scriptures with your mother’s milk! There’s nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.

4 1-2 I can’t impress this on you too strongly. God is looking over your shoulder. Christ himself is the Judge, with the final say on everyone, living and dead. He is about to break into the open with his rule, so proclaim the Message with intensity; keep on your watch. Challenge, warn, and urge your people. Don’t ever quit. Just keep it simple.

3-5 You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you—keep your eye on what you’re doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God’s servant.

6-8 You take over. I’m about to die, my life an offering on God’s altar. This is the only race worth running. I’ve run hard right to the finish, believed all the way. All that’s left now is the shouting—God’s applause! Depend on it, he’s an honest judge. He’ll do right not only by me, but by everyone eager for his coming.

9-13 Get here as fast as you can. Demas, chasing fads, went off to Thessalonica and left me here. Crescens is in Galatia province, Titus in Dalmatia. Luke is the only one here with me. Bring Mark with you; he’ll be my right-hand man since I’m sending Tychicus to Ephesus. Bring the winter coat I left in Troas with Carpus; also the books and parchment notebooks.

14-15 Watch out for Alexander the coppersmith. Fiercely opposed to our Message, he caused no end of trouble. God will give him what he’s got coming.

16-18 At my preliminary hearing no one stood by me. They all ran like scared rabbits. But it doesn’t matter—the Master stood by me and helped me spread the Message loud and clear to those who had never heard it. I was snatched from the jaws of the lion! God’s looking after me, keeping me safe in the kingdom of heaven. All praise to him, praise forever! Oh, yes!

19-20 Say hello to Priscilla and Aquila; also, the family of Onesiphorus. Erastus stayed behind in Corinth. I had to leave Trophimus sick in Miletus.

21 Try hard to get here before winter.

Eubulus, Pudens, Linus, Claudia, and all your friends here send greetings.

22 God be with you. Grace be with you.

The Message (MSG)

Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

Frustrated, yet joyful. It's a good place to be...

I'm starting my "normal" shift tomorrow after church. I've been anticipating it, yet I also feel strange about it. Strange in that I will be working the busiest hours of my family's day.... Though the saving grace is that school ends Wednesday, so this time on the second shift will be a good time to try this out. The other strange thing will be working the entire weekend. I am not upset about these things, I just feel strange about them. It's weird. I am also still pinching myself over the fact that I am working from home. Working from home, legitimately! Weird.

I realize I am concerned because my husband is exceptionally lazy during the weekends. He likes to sleep. A lot. Usually the entire weekend is spent sleeping for him. I know this about him, and accept it, but I have to say it hurts. A lot. I took care of my normal day to day chores today, and completed our shopping with our eldest son, along with fixing my headlight to which my husband promised me he would take care of, he's promised since the weekend of April 4th, getting my car washed and vacuumed out, cleaning the fridge and sink, and more laundry. I was able, because of my job, to purchase clothing and sandals today for the kids and Mike. I was so very please. So very pleased. And, my husband slept. I wish he liked to spend time with me. I try not to take it personally. Sometimes it's difficult not to. To anyone who has a husband, or wife for that matter, that is involved with your children in sports, plays with them, truly enjoys being a dad, relish that. Relish it. Some of us will never know that. I am blessed that I have two beautiful boys, I am blessed that I have many good friends, and I am grateful that God made me incredibly independent. But it is lonely. I won't lie to you about that. I am lonely.

I realize my fear is that my boys will not be properly taken care of while I am working. That was the main caveat to finding a job all of these years, because my children needed me since my husband seems so disconnected, distant, unattainable. And I'm really worried that they'll learn to be a father from their own father. I love that other dads step up and help them learn. That's very precious to me. It's sad to feel as if I'm a single parent in a two parent home where one of the parents is such a nice person, but they're the sweet, kind, generous person you could meet anywhere, but never really get to know. I keep praying for direction, for solace, for continued joy. I keep praying. Maybe someday this will change. I keep praying.

Popsicles and crystal light await. Enjoy your evening, weekend, the week ahead. Time flies when you're having fun.