The Movie "Inside Out," It's Not Just For Kids...

I had a picture here, it was the poster of Inside Out.... Gotta laugh out loud at the irony. They want advertising, work of mouth, etc., but you cannot use their poster, which millions have seen, on a post in your blog. Yeah. That makes perfect sense.

It's one of those days... what to do, what to watch... Don't want to spend any money... Watch a movie! Inside Out is on RedBox, and I had a coupon - nothing better. And, it occupies my eleven year old's day for at least an hour and a half.

Here's the thing; it's more than a kid's movie, it is absolutely worth it for us adults, too.

Sometimes life knocks you down, and as is life, sometimes it knocks you down several times before you're able to stand back up. Thereby making you believe that you'll never be able to stand up on your own again... that is fear, sadness, mixed into one ugly pile, not allowing you to stand back up.

Then there's anger. That can be intermingled with fear, making it seem that one is angry all of the time, but really that anger is masking fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of judgement, fear of falling and not being able to get back up. Because we've been there before, and we don't want to go back.

Anger is a great motivator if used wisely. It can make you get back up and strive for better. It can make you change what you're doing into something that you were meant to do all along!

Then disgust - if masked by fear will lead into racism, selfishness, isolation. Add in anger, and you've got a potent blend that is sure to alienate even the most loving of individuals.

Here's the main plot of the story; you MUST allow joy to be mingled, healthily with sadness. It is OK to be sad, but not to let the sadness mask your joy. Happiness is an emotion, joy is a lifestyle. Joy is knowing that you will be sad, letting the tears fall, but knowing that the sadness will not define you.

Add in fear, a healthy fear (MUST be healthy!) that remembers what did not work before. Anger to propel you through the "meh" of the journey at hand. 

All of our emotions are there to help us lead a more productive, fulfilling life. It's a matter of knowing when it is best to put down the anger, let go of the fear, bury the sadness, and always, OH BUT ALWAYS live in joy. 

Do a self check. Where do you stand? 

Saying Goodbye Is Sometimes A Choice...

There's a photo statement on Facebook that says:

"I don't care if you're going to tell everyone

about what I have done to you.

But please, just don't forget to tell them

about what you did to me."

This is a tough thing to do when you want to sway someone else's opinion toward your way of thinking, isn't it? Yet - to live morally we must try. And to look one self in the mirror with a feeling of having tried.

I live my life this way, because I've lived through being the one lied about - the truth has always come out - but the damage is done, isn't it?

What can be so detrimental to someone is the "who" behind the lie. The "who" that is suppose to rise above. The "who" can flatten you, the "who" can damage you.

How do you rise above, how do you begin the road to recovery?

First, and most importantly, start with telling yourself how grateful you are for "A,'" "B," and/or "C."

Find a place in your home, your car, your job, your mind, that you can go, and start to thank God, yourself, whomever or whatever you speak to when you're mulling over whatever it is that is holding you back. I start with this, and expound on it, and I do this every day, especially when the "I wish" statements start to needle me.

This was my self talk today, "This is such a beautiful neighborhood. We are so lucky. I am so grateful. We are in a beautiful neighborhood with lovely neighbors. We are in a wonderful country," (don't get snarky or sarcastic here and fill in the blank with whatever political affiliation you have, or what you've read that has ticked you off - this is a grateful moment, not a back pedaling moment! You are speaking gratefulness into your being, don't be an ass to yourself, there are plenty of people in your life more than willing to fill that job requirement, don't you do it to yourself.) "Look at this home, (we rent, so it has never been "my" home, but I do take some ownership, but because we're not allowed to change anything, I take ownership of the love and family we bring to the table) we are so blessed, I am so grateful. I am so grateful. Thank you so very much for all of the blessings that have been bestowed upon us, thank you for the trust you've placed in me, thank you for my family, thank you for all that I have been given. Help me to be worthy, and help me to always see how blessed I have been, and to always be grateful and aware of how blessed I, and my family, are."

I grew up in a small town in NW Illinois, because it is only 35 to 40 minutes from Chicago, we often say we are from Chicago - it's logistics, and honestly, at the end of the day, who gives a hoot, right? It is a very poor town enclosed by four other small towns that refer to my hometown as "scumville." It doesn't bother me, because it will always be home, and those that refer to it as such, well, you've shown your true colors, now haven't you?  No one, unless they truly care about you - and I mean care in the sense of if something happens to you it will mess up their life something fierce. Any other care, well, it's like caring about whether your favorite flavor of bagel is available at the supermarket. It's frustrating for a moment, but certainly not earth shattering. Sounds cynical, but let's stop thinking we're all that and a bag chips, shall we? Where we live now? My goodness, we might as well change the name of the town to Mayberry for as wonderfully, peacefully quaint it is! 

As to goodbyes. Sometimes they're planned, sometimes they are not. 

I'm in the midst of a few goodbyes, and I don't want to linger, because I am a lingerer (is that a word - if not, it is now!) During my mother's death, I lingered for years, literally losing time because I was so focused on my loss, rather than my gain - I had one son, and when he was 4 years old we had another son. Take my word for it, lingering holds you back, there is no pay off, there is no award at the end of the day - there is simply time lost, and it is not worth it. Please - take my word for this, I speak from a point of recovery, and now re-emerging to understand that "goodbye" is simply a part of life. 

I have see-sawed from peace and freedom, to "oh man, I wished I'd've done this, I wish I'd've said that, or said that - I wish, I wish, I wish." Wish in one hand and poop in the other, as my mother use to say, and see what fills up faster. Wishing is nothing but one running on a treadmill thinking they're going to end up in another place geographically - you are literally spinning your wheels. STOP THAT!

How do we say goodbye when they're not planned? The easy answer is to write, write, write. Not necessarily in a blog, but long hand - there is something about the physical part of writing. When you're angry, the anger comes out in the pen, happy, it comes through the pen - the pressure, the physicality of it is satisfying and helps you get the pain, anger, happiness, joy, sadness out.

I'm in the midst of a goodbye. Only my immediate family and two friends know what has happened. I wish to keep it this way, because what was once sacred will become food for fodder for others, and frankly, I am tired of being entertainment for others who I don't really know, and if I did, we probably wouldn't like one another anyway. It sounds harsh, but it is, at the end of the day, no less true.

Who have you got to say goodbye to? Is it an old version of yourself that is holding you back? Is it a parent that is long dead, or no longer in the picture? Is it an old love that you know that you know that you KNOW wouldn't have worked out anyway, but you've romanticized a future with? Whatever or whomever you've got to say goodbye to, start today, do not wait.

You've waited long enough, now, haven't you? 

Heart decisions sometimes hurt

We attend a church in Franklin, TN that was literally love at first site for our entire family. We plugged in quickly, the boys were at home, my husband and I were at home. We healed old wounds in Celebrate Recovery, and found more we had no clue existed. Our boys learned lessons in the struggles we faced, in the way a child would process it. We were a living, breathing embodiment of what church can do to change a family for the better. 

Then life happens.

Churches are, not only in America but I assume everywhere, big business. 

Family's like ours - my husband grew up Catholic, he says he has an advanced degree in guilt, I grew up Missouri Synod Lutheran, my husband calls it Catholic light - we had the bible beaten into our heads, but not our hearts. Churches like the one we have been attending for four and half years did both, they opened our eyes, our minds, our hearts to the meaning of a relationship with Jesus. Yes, avoid sin, but more importantly turn to Papa, Father-God, Jesus Christ.

Because of the changes that occurred (I've my own personal opinion that need not be posted, because it is personal and I've no intention of hurting anyone - I just need to voice my opinion, thoughts, heart-process as we go through this change) we are in the midst of possibly changing churches. One part of me screams not to, in teaching our children to hang on through tough times - be it marriage, changes in life, whatever - they must have parents that teach them how to hang on and not run away. Yet, at the same time it is so difficult to go through the doors of a place that no longer feels like home. A great speaker's a great speaker, but if there's no "essence" to it - just flash bang and comedy - what do we hold onto? 

I talked with my family today because I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm tired. My youngest said, with emphatic eyebrows raised, "Mommy, it's easy - talk to Jesus, He's there! And you can teach us!" 

I love it when my children make something so clear, because everything is jumbled right now. My faith is strong, but my faith in man is very low - we're suppose to love our neighbor as ourselves, we are created in His image - so what if I dislike man, do I then dislike God? The perpetual hamster on a wheel, wack-a-mole times a million. 

I'm also hurt because the bible is the written word, the living breathing word of God. Yet man created the bible. Man chose the books that went into the bible. I do not trust man, man is fallible, man makes mistakes, and man misleads for his own agenda. I do not trust man.

In trusting God, in listening to Jesus in my heart the answers are simple. Be more like Mary, sit down, listen, meditate with Him, pray to Him, do not be a part of this world, but be a part of Him, thereby being a light to others that feel as lost as I do.

Yeah, being an adult sucks sometimes. 

His Grace Is Sufficient. Living Simply.

Years ago when I first started CR (Celebrate Recovery) I started a step study (I have done the step study 3 times - as you work the program you learn a lot about yourself, and that each vice has its own set of circumstances and gunk to work through). I don't believe I'll ever be done with CR, and I don't want to be - it literally saved my life and helped me to get to know my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, so very well.

In a step study one of the steps is forgiveness. Some of these life experiences seem impossible to forgive - those that know me well, the girls I now try to love on in Velocity, a teenage ministry - where I know I started to feel my most worthless, and where I wanted to be because these young women need to know they are worth it, they are worthy, they are loved - know my story - know that if I can forgive, so can they, and so can you.

While walking this step, literally the first time I worked through forgiveness it took me a year to do so. It was intermingled, tangled, enmeshed, messy, and incredibly ugly. One night, around 3AM, I was awoken by "Read Romans 8." I thought, OK. I tried to go back to sleep, but kept hearing it. So I said, I promise I'll read it, but first, please let me sleep. I read it the next day, then tried to find a good way to describe it, quickly and concisely. What I found was almost too simple: God's grace is never ending.

Here's a bit more to help you: http://www.jcblog.net/romans/summary

"God's Amazing Story of Relentless Grace

The book of Roman is a masterfully written exposition on grace. This letter to the believers in Rome has changed the hearts of many as they read and understand the wonderful truths nestled inside. Paul wrote this letter to these Christians to explain his revelation of grace."

What was most difficult for me was forgiving one specific person that forever changed my life when I was 7 years old. I would sob, argue with God, not understand WHY should I forgive something so incredibly earth shatteringly disgusting. Finally, I came to understand, it wasn't for him, but for me to forgive - I needed to be freed from his hold. Not living my life to the fullest with Christ at the helm was a sin far worse than the sin originally committed - because I was giving my life to this person - I was giving him my all when I should give Jesus Christ my all. Plain and simple. But it wasn't simple, and it was incredibly painful. But I made it through to the other side, and I can tell you it is so worth it! God is waiting - He will not let you down. His grace is never ending.

Now, we come to today, and the vote for marriage equality. I'm personally confused by the anger. My husband brought up that people that stand by their faith - that marriage is between a man and a woman - may have their livelihood attacked. Such as a baker - if you're a baker and say that you believe in marriage between a man and a woman but not a same sex marriage - you may be sued. My take on that is this: We do not have the information about every single person we serve in this world. What about the man or woman purchasing a cake for their child, but every single night they may abuse this child, we are not privy to this knowledge. If we were privy to this - would Christians fight as wholly for this child as they would against a same sex marriage union? I don't know. I do know my personal experience is I was left to my own devices - church people included - God never left me - but Christians did. To me the abuse of a child is so much worse than a same sex marriage. At least they're living honestly. 

Hot issue debate, no doubt. 

Here's the reason for this - I again dreamt last night and God told me to read Timothy 3 and 4. Now, there's a 1 Timothy and a 2 Timothy. He didn't specify which. That's for me, and perhaps you, to decide. It depends on how you read it, I would assume. In reading it out loud, I thought it was 1 Timothy, my husband thought 2 Timothy.

I do know that at the end of the day, the bottom line is: Live honestly, live kindly, live with Christ at your side, live with Christ within you, Live as much without sin as you possibly can - live praying ALWAYS.

Here are the Timothies, they are in the form of the Message. I like the Message because it's to the point, it's plain language, it's modern day language - they don't pull any punches - they say it like I need to hear it.

God Bless Your Day - Remember, it was always between you and God anyway.

1 Timothy 3-4The Message (MSG)

Leadership in the Church

3 1-7 If anyone wants to provide leadership in the church, good! But there are preconditions: A leader must be well-thought-of, committed to his wife, cool and collected, accessible, and hospitable. He must know what he’s talking about, not be overfond of wine, not pushy but gentle, not thin-skinned, not money-hungry. He must handle his own affairs well, attentive to his own children and having their respect. For if someone is unable to handle his own affairs, how can he take care of God’s church? He must not be a new believer, lest the position go to his head and the Devil trip him up. Outsiders must think well of him, or else the Devil will figure out a way to lure him into his trap.

8-13 The same goes for those who want to be servants in the church: serious, not deceitful, not too free with the bottle, not in it for what they can get out of it. They must be reverent before the mystery of the faith, not using their position to try to run things. Let them prove themselves first. If they show they can do it, take them on. No exceptions are to be made for women—same qualifications: serious, dependable, not sharp-tongued, not overfond of wine. Servants in the church are to be committed to their spouses, attentive to their own children, and diligent in looking after their own affairs. Those who do this servant work will come to be highly respected, a real credit to this Jesus-faith.

14-16 I hope to visit you soon, but just in case I’m delayed, I’m writing this letter so you’ll know how things ought to go in God’s household, this God-alive church, bastion of truth. This Christian life is a great mystery, far exceeding our understanding, but some things are clear enough:

He appeared in a human body,
    was proved right by the invisible Spirit,
        was seen by angels.
He was proclaimed among all kinds of peoples,
    believed in all over the world,
        taken up into heavenly glory.

Teach with Your Life

4 1-5 The Spirit makes it clear that as time goes on, some are going to give up on the faith and chase after demonic illusions put forth by professional liars. These liars have lied so well and for so long that they’ve lost their capacity for truth. They will tell you not to get married. They’ll tell you not to eat this or that food—perfectly good food God created to be eaten heartily and with thanksgiving by believers who know better! Everything God created is good, and to be received with thanks. Nothing is to be sneered at and thrown out. God’s Word and our prayers make every item in creation holy.

6-10 You’ve been raised on the Message of the faith and have followed sound teaching. Now pass on this counsel to the followers of Jesus there, and you’ll be a good servant of Jesus. Stay clear of silly stories that get dressed up as religion. Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever. You can count on this. Take it to heart. This is why we’ve thrown ourselves into this venture so totally. We’re banking on the living God, Savior of all men and women, especially believers.

11-14 Get the word out. Teach all these things. And don’t let anyone put you down because you’re young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. Stay at your post reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. And that special gift of ministry you were given when the leaders of the church laid hands on you and prayed—keep that dusted off and in use.

15-16 Cultivate these things. Immerse yourself in them. The people will all see you mature right before their eyes! Keep a firm grasp on both your character and your teaching. Don’t be diverted. Just keep at it. Both you and those who hear you will experience salvation.

______________________________________________________________

2 Timothy 3-4The Message (MSG)

Difficult Times Ahead

3 1-5 Don’t be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They’ll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they’re animals. Stay clear of these people.

6-9 These are the kind of people who smooth-talk themselves into the homes of unstable and needy women and take advantage of them; women who, depressed by their sinfulness, take up with every new religious fad that calls itself “truth.” They get exploited every time and never really learn. These men are like those old Egyptian frauds Jannes and Jambres, who challenged Moses. They were rejects from the faith, twisted in their thinking, defying truth itself. But nothing will come of these latest impostors. Everyone will see through them, just as people saw through that Egyptian hoax.

Keep the Message Alive

10-13 You’ve been a good apprentice to me, a part of my teaching, my manner of life, direction, faith, steadiness, love, patience, troubles, sufferings—suffering along with me in all the grief I had to put up with in Antioch, Iconium, and Lystra. And you also well know that God rescued me! Anyone who wants to live all out for Christ is in for a lot of trouble; there’s no getting around it. Unscrupulous con men will continue to exploit the faith. They’re as deceived as the people they lead astray. As long as they are out there, things can only get worse.

14-17 But don’t let it faze you. Stick with what you learned and believed, sure of the integrity of your teachers—why, you took in the sacred Scriptures with your mother’s milk! There’s nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.

4 1-2 I can’t impress this on you too strongly. God is looking over your shoulder. Christ himself is the Judge, with the final say on everyone, living and dead. He is about to break into the open with his rule, so proclaim the Message with intensity; keep on your watch. Challenge, warn, and urge your people. Don’t ever quit. Just keep it simple.

3-5 You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you—keep your eye on what you’re doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God’s servant.

6-8 You take over. I’m about to die, my life an offering on God’s altar. This is the only race worth running. I’ve run hard right to the finish, believed all the way. All that’s left now is the shouting—God’s applause! Depend on it, he’s an honest judge. He’ll do right not only by me, but by everyone eager for his coming.

9-13 Get here as fast as you can. Demas, chasing fads, went off to Thessalonica and left me here. Crescens is in Galatia province, Titus in Dalmatia. Luke is the only one here with me. Bring Mark with you; he’ll be my right-hand man since I’m sending Tychicus to Ephesus. Bring the winter coat I left in Troas with Carpus; also the books and parchment notebooks.

14-15 Watch out for Alexander the coppersmith. Fiercely opposed to our Message, he caused no end of trouble. God will give him what he’s got coming.

16-18 At my preliminary hearing no one stood by me. They all ran like scared rabbits. But it doesn’t matter—the Master stood by me and helped me spread the Message loud and clear to those who had never heard it. I was snatched from the jaws of the lion! God’s looking after me, keeping me safe in the kingdom of heaven. All praise to him, praise forever! Oh, yes!

19-20 Say hello to Priscilla and Aquila; also, the family of Onesiphorus. Erastus stayed behind in Corinth. I had to leave Trophimus sick in Miletus.

21 Try hard to get here before winter.

Eubulus, Pudens, Linus, Claudia, and all your friends here send greetings.

22 God be with you. Grace be with you.

The Message (MSG)

Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

Frustrated, yet joyful. It's a good place to be...

I'm starting my "normal" shift tomorrow after church. I've been anticipating it, yet I also feel strange about it. Strange in that I will be working the busiest hours of my family's day.... Though the saving grace is that school ends Wednesday, so this time on the second shift will be a good time to try this out. The other strange thing will be working the entire weekend. I am not upset about these things, I just feel strange about them. It's weird. I am also still pinching myself over the fact that I am working from home. Working from home, legitimately! Weird.

I realize I am concerned because my husband is exceptionally lazy during the weekends. He likes to sleep. A lot. Usually the entire weekend is spent sleeping for him. I know this about him, and accept it, but I have to say it hurts. A lot. I took care of my normal day to day chores today, and completed our shopping with our eldest son, along with fixing my headlight to which my husband promised me he would take care of, he's promised since the weekend of April 4th, getting my car washed and vacuumed out, cleaning the fridge and sink, and more laundry. I was able, because of my job, to purchase clothing and sandals today for the kids and Mike. I was so very please. So very pleased. And, my husband slept. I wish he liked to spend time with me. I try not to take it personally. Sometimes it's difficult not to. To anyone who has a husband, or wife for that matter, that is involved with your children in sports, plays with them, truly enjoys being a dad, relish that. Relish it. Some of us will never know that. I am blessed that I have two beautiful boys, I am blessed that I have many good friends, and I am grateful that God made me incredibly independent. But it is lonely. I won't lie to you about that. I am lonely.

I realize my fear is that my boys will not be properly taken care of while I am working. That was the main caveat to finding a job all of these years, because my children needed me since my husband seems so disconnected, distant, unattainable. And I'm really worried that they'll learn to be a father from their own father. I love that other dads step up and help them learn. That's very precious to me. It's sad to feel as if I'm a single parent in a two parent home where one of the parents is such a nice person, but they're the sweet, kind, generous person you could meet anywhere, but never really get to know. I keep praying for direction, for solace, for continued joy. I keep praying. Maybe someday this will change. I keep praying.

Popsicles and crystal light await. Enjoy your evening, weekend, the week ahead. Time flies when you're having fun.

Mother's Day... Happy Mother's Day

I didn't realize that I was sad until I spoke in my small group in celebrate recovery yesterday. And the funny thing is, I'm not really "sad," I'm actually the happiest I have been in years. But that word, Mother, holds so much meaning. For so many of us. 

Yes, it will be a wonderful Mother's Day. Yet for so many it will not be a wonderful Mother's Day for many reasons. Foremost is the memories. The loss of laughter. The loss of strength. The loss of having someone on this tumultuous planet that got me. That got me on a level that no one else, even my husband who I consider to be my best friend, will ever get me. There's a soul lost feeling that is utterly and wholly empty. A throbbing, unsettling empty. An all encompassing empty that is so filling it pushes all else out.

I am hanging onto Jesus' promise. As I do every day. Yet, there are days, like this Sunday, that I hold on a little tighter. No one will see my real pain because I am great at hiding it, I've been an awesome actress over the years. Except, blessedly, with those in celebrate recovery. I love you ladies, you have been my lifeline to living my life once more. You're all in the same boat as I am... and yes, at times it has been a napping boat (inside joke :)) 

I have hung on with both hands, white knuckling it through for so long, I didn't realize I wasn't really living - not really - I was surviving.

Happy Mother's Day. 

107 Pounds Down. A Shared CR Inventory. Working The Steps. Teaching My Son To Respect Himself.

I haven't posted in quite some time. I've been working very hard on my celebrate recovery steps, my inventory, my weight loss, my exercise routine, and taking good care of my family ;) For a time there I also left the YMCA to help our eldest with his wrestling schedule, but have, of this last week, been hired back, to which I am very excited.

First, I've hit a wonderful stride in my exercise, and have come to understand I must stick with it. Not to allow more than three days to go by without exercising. My body remembers, and because I'm being gentle with myself not only physically, but psychologically, I'm seeing great change. 100+ pounds in 6 months is no small feat, and my mind must catch up - to which I have done intense work in that area of my life.

Any habit, hang up, or hurt has a long history. The history that we believe is at the core may different than the actual history that exists. As a for instance, I assumed (wrongly) that my weight problem was as simple as me being unable to lose weight due to lack of will. My will is iron. I've learned that. The basis of my eating was the love I received on a plate from my mother. Food was love. Food was joy, Food was celebration. Food was sadness. Food was life itself. It was everything. Because the only time there was love, there was food. Understanding that will help me in my journey, I will never have to lose 100 pounds again, if I remember the steps I took to get here - to say goodbye to the little girl that so wanted approval, who wanted to be accepted, who wanted unconditional love from her parents.

My parents did the best they knew how to do with what they were taught, and with what they had at their disposal. They were very broken people, and during the 50s, 60s, 70s asking for help was unheard of. They did alright considering what they had dealt with. Giving them grace is my gift to myself, because inevitably my children will have difficulties, and I'm sure that I'll be at the root of those hurts, habits, and hang ups. It's cyclical - as much as things change they stay the same. Hence the longevity of Celebrate Recovery. We take our children with us for two main reasons, the number one is pretty obvious, we don't want to leave them home alone. The second reason is we want them to know there is a place to go when they have found themselves hurt, with a habit, or have developed a hang up. The people that take them for the evening give a teaching on the lesson we, the adults, are learning. It's very valuable at such a young age. Life is difficult enough to not have a place to go that is safe, and where you learn you are not alone.

One thing I would like to address, concerning a safe place to go, is this: One cannot attend Celebrate Recovery (CR) believing it is the end all to your problems. There are hurt, sick, redeeming seeking people there, as there is in every single church you will attend. Look at it as a spiritual hospital. You wouldn't walk into a Doctor's waiting room hoping to find a healthy person to kiss. You cannot go into a church believing you'll find the saved - they are not there. Do not look to a person to fill that gap in your soul, in your heart, or to show you the way - only Christ Jesus can do that for you. CR is a wonderful place to go to learn the steps, to learn how to speak to Christ, to find accountability partners, to find a sponsor, to find people who are further down the healing path than you are. But, please understand - hurt people hurt people, as blaze blah as that may sound, it is so very true. Do not come to Celebrate Recovery looking for recovery within another human being - YOU WILL NOT FIND IT THERE. You will only find it within your and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Being the "funny girl" was not who I wanted to be, it was what I thought would save me from being the butt of many jokes. If I poked fun at myself, or came into a room as the silly clown, no one could hurt or make fun of me, because I beat them to the punch. It's not a healthy way to live. I am learning how to not smile when I cry - because I can be sad. It just doesn't last long. The smile was my way of telling everyone, "don't you worry about me! I won't be a problem for you. I promise, this is a passing allergic reaction - it's not tears! I'm just stuffy!" No. That's not healthy at all.

Now, as a grown woman that has learned her worth, it's not very welcome in my family for me to ask not to be made the butt of jokes. I understand it is their way of showing love. But, it hurts. And it embarrasses me. I should not feel badly for asking to be shown respect, and love in a way that is clear that it is love - not love with a slap in the face. But love. Joy. Peace. Letting my guard down, knowing my heart won't break after a visit.

I have hope, and faith, that this will not be the norm in the years to come. It takes time to change. I understand that, because it took time for me to change towards myself. It takes time to change a behavior one has exhibited for years, and years, and years. And to which one believed showed love, only to find out it did not, it hurt. I know this is difficult. I am in such a good place, that I know it will change. Whether by presentation, or an understanding that it will not be revisited.

With that being said. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's! It is the first holiday season I have enjoyed in over 13 years! I had a friend a few door's down that facilitated a shift in my mind. She and I no longer speak because, ironically enough, her eldest, who is in 4th grade, a year older than Robert, was calling Robert fat, chubby, and saying things to Robert, such as 'you should walk more because you're so chubby.' The last straw was a wonderful Friday two weeks prior to Christmas. We had played tag after school. And we'd played tag with our dog Molly, it was one of the best afternoons we'd ever had. At the end of it, I wanted some time to myself to listen to music and to walk home. I'd asked this gal if she wouldn't mind driving Robert home. To which her son said, 'Robert, I think you should walk because you're so chubby.' That was the last straw. I wanted to walk alone, Robert didn't ask for a ride, I'd asked for the ride. And because she never corrected him, enough was enough. In trying to "fix" it, the relationship became irrepairable. That made me immensely sad. But I wasn't willing to allow Robert to continue to force himself to spend time with someone that wouldn't leave him alone concerning something that Robert was working very hard on. Robert is 9 years old. He is 5'4" 149 pounds. He has lost over 40 pounds. He is doing very, very well. I want him to remember he is worth it - lowering oneself to another's standards because they have a problem is not living - it is putting oneself into the Lion's Den time and time again. It is very unhealthy. I surely hope he remembers it that way. I hope he knows what a good boy he is.

In this I held strong to the poem a reason, a season, a lifetime. God brought her into my life for a reason. And that was to enjoy the holidays that held a pall due to my mother's passing. But, my goodness, my mother passed away 13 years ago! I wanted to feel joy, I wanted to show happiness to my children, but I didn't know where to begin - how to let go and let God. This gal helped in ways that only a God hug can. And for that, I will never harbor ill will towards the situation. It is what it is. I am stronger for it. Robert knows mama will back him up, and even walk away from a friend to protect him. That's an important lesson for a child to witness.

We as human beings can be funky creatures, in that we want the pat on the back from someone insignificant in our lives. While those that are there every step of the way can sometimes be over looked. It's understanding that we must place God first, above family, above love, above husband, above wife, above ourselves - if we place Jesus Christ first, He will lead the way. It's the remembering to let go, let God that can be difficult, because we know best, right? No. Not at all. That is an illusion.

Food for thought! Have a blessed day, all. Below are some pictures of myself, my latest "skinny" picture, my grandmothers and great aunt, my uncle Jimmy. Love well. You won't regret it.

The face is, "Take the picture!" LOL :D

A picture my father posted. The top left is my Aunt Thelma, Lord I loved her. She was the kindest, sweetest, softest spoken person I ever knew. Robert looks quite a bit like her, and has her demeanor. Grandma is on the right, I didn't know her well. Great Grandma is on the bottom, she died 6 weeks before I was born. The saddest thing concerning the not knowing was I grew up 8 miles away from my grandmother. In the same vein, when you don't know you're missing something it is not missed. I don't know what I missed in not having a relationship with her, except for the stories I hear from others concerning their relationships with their grandparents. If you've a relationship with a grandparent, be glad. Some of us do not know that kind of joy. An attitude of gratitude will get you through some of the darkest moments in your life.

My Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Jan. My brother, Sean, is on the left, I am in the front. I am approximately 5 years old here. I loved Uncle Jimmy, he was gregarious, funny, a strong family man. Aunt Jan, whom I love, sent this photo along with others to me over the holidays. My mom was adopted, very little is known of her side of the family. What is ironic is I knew very little of my father's side of the family, though the history is long and rich. We in America need to do better than this, due to our "go get it" ideology our families are fractured. I hope we rectify that.

 

Yes, an attitude of gratitude!